Fighting For Us
by piratewench78
Summary: What if things had gone differently after the confrontation at the CMA's? What if Rayna had gone after Deacon? An AU story from Season 1.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: I've been so disheartened about season 3 after listening to so many disappointing spoilers. I wondered if we could have ended up in another place after Season 1. So what if, instead of letting him go in the Season 1 finale, Rayna had gone after Deacon? What might have happened differently? **_

Deacon looked devastated. "So she's mine?" he asked.

Rayna felt a combination of things as she looked at him. Fear, anguish, anxiety, and oddly, relief. But she also felt sick to her stomach and her heart hurt for both Deacon and Maddie. She nodded. "Yeah," she whispered.

He stood there for a moment, then stormed out. She had a gnawing fear that felt so familiar. A fear she hadn't felt in over thirteen years. Adrenaline took over and, picking up her clutch, she hurried after him.

"Ms. Jaymes, you're on in forty seconds," the PA said as she rushed out, but she ran right past him. Deacon was faster than her, plus she had on heels, but she kept close. When he got to his truck, he fumbled with his keys, and she was able to catch up. She grabbed his arm.

"Please, Deacon, let me explain," she said, tears rolling down her face.

He tried to pull away. "I think you've said enough, Rayna," he said tersely.

"Please," she begged. "I want to explain."

He raised his eyebrows and looked at her with disgust. "I don't want to hear it," he said, enunciating every word carefully.

She was shaking, both from the chill in the air and from her horror at what had just happened. "Please," she said again. Her limo pulled up then and she pulled at his arm. "Let me at least take you home. You shouldn't be driving." His face was dark with anger and he stood still, but she felt a small measure of hope when he finally let her move him towards the car.

Once they were in the back seat, he looked out the window. Rayna gave the driver his address and then leaned back, quickly texting Coleman. _Meet me at Deacon's. Urgent!_ She was terribly afraid he'd go back into the cycle if he was left on his own. Coleman immediately texted back. _On my way._ She felt a tiny bit of the anxiety fade. She thought for only the briefest of moments about the fact that she had walked out on her appearance at the CMA's. She was the ultimate professional and that was the height of unprofessionalism. She couldn't worry about that, though.

Her bigger concern was the fallout from Maddie finding out that Deacon was her father and then Deacon as well. As a mother, she felt incredible guilt, not only that Maddie had learned the truth somehow other than from her but that she was not immediately going to her. But the first thought that ran through her head as she watched Deacon leave her dressing room was that she needed to save him. She knew how he often reacted in times of enormous stress and, even though he'd been sober for over thirteen years, this could push him over the edge.

The limo moved slowly through the still crowded streets of downtown Nashville. The CMA Awards were probably the biggest single night in the city and it was crowded with fans hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorites. The honky tonks on Broadway were overflowing and people were out on the streets in droves. She sat back as far as she could in the seat, hoping that the streetlights didn't illuminate her as they passed. This was the worst night of her life and she didn't want anyone else to see her despair.

She turned towards Deacon then, but he suddenly leaned forward and hit the button to raise the privacy barrier. He turned to look at her, his eyes full of pain and anger, his face contorted with rage. "I will _never_ forgive you for this," he said, his voice menacing.

Rayna caught her breath. "Please don't say that," she whispered.

His eyes widened as he looked at her with disdain. "I don't even know who you are," he said evenly. "You told me you loved me, you let me make love to you, you made it seem like we had a future together. But you lied to me! You've been lying to me for all these years!"

She dropped her head, the tears coming harder. "I know," she said, her voice broken. "I'm so sorry about that."

"Sorry? Really? That's all? God damn it, Rayna, what could you possibly have done to me that's worse than this? And you're just sorry?" He looked away from her, running his hand over his face.

Rayna took in a shaky breath and then saw that Teddy was calling. _Maddie._ She lifted the phone to her ear. "Hey," she said.

"Where the hell are you?" Teddy shouted. "Maddie knows. Did you know that?"

"I just found out."

"You need to fix this, Rayna. You need to get home and fix this. Where are you?"

Rayna sat back and bit her lip. She knew she needed to see Maddie and talk to her. But Teddy was there with her and Maddie was going to be angry at her anyway. Right now she needed to be sure Deacon would be safe. "I'll be there as soon as I can," she said and hung up.

She didn't know how she was going to fix this. How was she going to explain to her daughter and to Deacon what had led to the decisions she'd made? Not just the decision to keep Maddie's paternity a secret from Deacon, but then to never tell him. Two of the people she loved most in the world were going to be destroyed from all this and she felt a pit in the bottom of stomach.

Deacon was watching as she talked to Teddy. "So what _are_ you going to say to Maddie?" he asked. "How are you going to make this okay?"

Rayna couldn't look up. "I don't know," she said, her voice breaking.

Deacon shook his head. "Who does this? Who lies about this? How could you have kept this a secret all these years?"

Rayna looked up at him, her face full of anger. "When I went to tell you, you were drunk," she said, her voice cold. "You'd been a mess for months. You'd had blackouts. You'd been missing for days and when I finally found you, you were drunk. How could I have told you then? I couldn't trust you to get sober and stay sober. How could I trust you with a child?" She knew Deacon was incredibly hurt and angry with her, but she'd held in her own anger and despair for so many years.

Deacon looked away from her and rubbed his face. "I got sober, Rayna. What about telling me then? Or when she was 3 or 5?"

"She was a child, Deacon! She would never have understood. It's going to be hard enough now, but how do you tell a toddler her daddy isn't her daddy after all? How do you blow up your child's life?" Rayna was breathing hard, her anger rising.

Deacon covered his mouth. "How could you lie to me all this time? How could you watch me with her all this time and lie to me every single day?" In spite of the anger he was feeling, she could see the tears still glistening in his eyes. She had never meant to hurt him this way and she felt such despair at having done just that.

Rayna sighed. "I was trying to do the right thing for Maddie. I was trying to protect her from getting hurt."

Deacon turned to look at her. "But she _is_ hurt, Rayna. You should have seen her when she came to see me. She was devastated. How could you be so cruel to your own daughter?"

Rayna caught her breath. She knew this was an untenable situation and it wasn't going to be resolved easily. She had never really thought about how this all might unfold, never planned for it. Ever, really. "I never did this to be cruel, Deacon. It was to protect her."

Deacon was silent for several minutes. He was looking out the window when he asked, in a quiet voice, "When were you ever going to tell me? Tell her?"

Rayna knew she had no good answer to that. She knew Maddie would want to know the same thing. "There wasn't a plan for that, Deacon. At some point it would have felt like the right time."

Deacon just shook his head. They pulled up to his house and he opened the door and jumped out. Rayna could see Coleman standing on the porch and breathed a sigh of relief. She opened the door and got out, wincing at the chill on her bare arms.

Deacon stopped halfway up the walkway, then turned back to her. "What the hell is he doing here?" he demanded.

Rayna swallowed hard. "I felt like you needed someone to…help you work through this. And I knew you wouldn't let it be me."

He smirked, putting his hands on his hips. "You didn't trust me. You never have trusted me."

Rayna stiffened. "That's not true. But, Deacon, you're an alcoholic. This was a very big thing to have happen to you. I had to make sure that you had support."

He stepped towards her, anger pouring off him. She took a step back, but he grabbed her by the arms and leaned in towards her. His tone was terse, his eyes full of anger. "I don't need you to look after me. I don't need you _at all_. I can never trust you again, Rayna, so leave me alone." He released her arms, pushing her slightly. Then he turned and stormed up the rest of the steps and, brushing by Coleman, pushed his way into the house.

Coleman watched all of this wordlessly, then walked down to where Rayna stood, her arms wrapped around her waist and tears rolling down her face. Cole took off his jacket and draped it around her shoulders. "What happened?" he asked gently.

Rayna looked up at him, anguish on her face. "Maddie somehow found out Teddy's not her father. She asked Deacon if he was. And now he's furious with me."

Coleman took that in. He'd long suspected it, but had never asked. Audrey had told him when Maddie was born that she was sure the baby was Deacon's, but it had never been discussed openly. "I'm glad you alerted me, Rayna," he said quietly. "This could be a real trigger point."

Rayna looked at him pleadingly. "Can you stay with him? At least until we can figure this out? If he gets in the cycle, it's going to destroy him. Destroy us."

Cole nodded. "I will. Let me handle it and I'll keep you in the loop."

Rayna put her head down. "He'll never forgive me."

Cole put his arm around her. "Give him some time. It's a lot to absorb and he'll need time. Maybe a lot of time."

Rayna nodded. She shrugged off the jacket and handed it back to him. "I need to go home. I have a very angry daughter I need to help through this."

Coleman enveloped her in a hug. "We'll all get through this, Rayna," he said. "It may take some time, but we will."

When he let her go, Rayna stepped back. "Thanks, Cole," she said. "And thanks for looking out for Deacon." She raised her hand in a wave and then turned and got in the car.

Coleman watched the limo drive off. He sighed deeply and turned to walk back up to Deacon's house.

_**I have no idea where I'm going with this or if there will even be more. Normally I have a plan in mind when I write, but this time there's nothing. So if I continue, it will go where the muse takes me. If you're interested in this angle and want me to continue, let me know.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**I'm glad y'all are interested in this "what if" version of the season 1 finale. This chapter is Deacon's perspective on what happened that night.**_

All Deacon wanted was a drink. He hadn't actually wanted a drink in years. He had struggled with his sobriety for so long that he never thought the day would come when he wouldn't actively crave a drink. But at some point, after five attempts at rehab, he'd finally found the strength to stick with it, to stay sober. First it was every minute of the day, then it became a one day at time thing. Later it was weeks, months, then finally years. And as each year went by, he felt stronger, more in control, more certain that he had finally found the way to stay sober. Not that he ever fooled himself into thinking he didn't have to keep working at it, but it became a way of life.

In the past, whenever there was a tough situation or a stressful event, he'd drink. Eventually he drank even for no reason at all except that it was there. He eventually drank to excess so much that he lost hours, days, even weeks. That's when he got scared enough that when Coleman had taken him to rehab that fifth time, he'd vowed to make it work. Even though when he got out, Rayna was lost to him, he still stayed focused. He got sober, finally, for her, and he stayed sober, for her.

But now, because of her, he wanted a drink.

* * *

Maddie Conrad had showed up on his doorstep with a piece of paper and news that caused him to question his entire life for the last thirteen years. She had a paternity test that showed Teddy Conrad was not her father and a theory that he was. Because, as she said through her sobs, "I know you dated Mom right before she married Dad."

That wasn't true though. Rayna had broken up with him many months before she got pregnant with Maddie. He was sure of it. But none of it made sense. The paternity test was clear; Teddy was _not_ Maddie's father. Who could it have been though? He didn't know of anyone else that Rayna dated then. He was positive it couldn't be him. Or could it? He didn't remember being with her, but that was also when his blackouts were at their worst.

At first he couldn't imagine that Rayna would lie to him. About anything. He'd loved her since he was nineteen years old. She was his family. He was hers. For so long they'd had no one but each other. She had been there for all those years that he struggled with drinking. It had taken him two stays in rehab to finally accept that he was a drunk. Just like his daddy. And yet she'd stayed. He knew he'd tried her patience and there were a lot of hard, difficult times. Times when he thought she would leave him. But for a long time she didn't. Until she did.

She'd stood on his front porch late one night not so long ago and told him she loved him. That she'd always loved him. She wouldn't have done that if he was Maddie's father. She would never have done that. _Would she?_

It was gnawing at him, eating away at him. He wanted a drink in the worst way. He had to fight the instinct – hard – for the first time in years. He had gone to a meeting instead of picking up Rayna. He couldn't face her yet, couldn't talk to her, but he needed support. Badly. He'd left before the meeting was over. The craving was overwhelming and he found himself gripping the steering wheel so tightly his hands hurt. When he got near Bridgestone Arena, it would have been so easy to go into one of the honky tonks and get that drink, but he forced himself not to.

_She couldn't have lied to me. She's been in my bed all these nights. I've made love to her over and over again. She couldn't lie to me all the while that I'm touching her and kissing her and making love to her. She wouldn't do that._ He kept telling himself that over and over. But the thought kept creeping in. _Or would she?_

When he saw her backstage, just as they were going on for her performance, she looked upset. "I thought you were picking me up," she'd said, confusion on her face.

He'd shrugged. "I got waylaid," he'd told her and brushed by her. He could hardly stand to look at her. On stage, he'd glared at her and, whenever she'd looked over her shoulder at him, he'd felt rage inside. While she was getting glad handed offstage after the performance, he snuck off. He'd paced the hallways of the arena, trying to work off steam, trying to convince himself not to just bolt for the nearest bar. He needed to ask. He was afraid to ask. What if she said yes. What if she said no. Neither answer really worked, but he needed one.

Finally he'd worked up the courage to go to her dressing room. She was getting her hair done when he walked in, and the first thing he thought was that she looked so pretty. He'd always liked when she wore her hair up, so that he could take it down. But then he remembered why he was there and asked if they could talk. After her stylists left, he sat down and just blurted it out. _Tell me you haven't been lying to me every moment of the last thirteen years._

The look on her face, the fact that she couldn't say a word, told him she had, in fact, lied to him all those years. He felt sick to his stomach. He needed that drink. Badly. He could barely process the rest of what she told him. It had happened when he was blacking out, because, God help him, he did not remember. She had gone to Teddy and _they_ had decided not to tell him. He still didn't understand why she'd never told him. And then he walked out.

She had followed him. Calling after him. She told him she wanted to explain, but he wasn't interested. He'd let her drive him home though. When he thought about that now, he realized he'd let her do it so that he wouldn't get in his truck and drive to a bar.

That was always his fallback. Whenever times got tough, he drank. And he really didn't want to drink. He didn't want to give in. He'd been sober for the last thirteen years. He didn't want to have to start over. So he let her put him into her limo and drive him home. As mad as he was at her, as hurt and humiliated as he felt to find out that the one person he trusted more than anyone else had betrayed him, as not ready to forgive her or even be sure he _could_ forgive her, he was grateful that she did what she always did. She took care of him. And he let her.


	3. Chapter 3

Rayna got back in the limo and watched as they pulled away from Deacon's house, headed back across town. Suddenly she was shaking violently. It was chilly, sitting in the car with just her sleeveless gown on from her aborted appearance at the CMA's, but the reality of what had happened that night was finally enveloping her. She felt sick to her stomach. She took slow, deep breaths, trying to slow down her racing heart and calm her queasy stomach. She pulled her phone out of her clutch and dialed Teddy.

"I hope you're on your way," came Teddy's terse voice.

Rayna felt tears threaten and she kept breathing. Finally she responded. "Yes, Teddy, I'm on my way. How's Maddie?"

"How do you think she is? She's mad and she's upset and she's confused. I've tried to calm her down as best I could. I don't want her to wake up Daphne and get her started asking questions."

Rayna clenched her fist in her lap. "How did she find out? Did she tell you?"

"She's really not saying much at all. She's in her room with the door closed."

"I'll be there in just a few minutes." And she clicked off.

She closed her eyes as she sat back against the limo seat. She'd had an odd feeling that morning when she was talking to the girls at breakfast. They'd seen the news about Juliette Barnes' mother on TV, but Maddie was strangely unemotional about it. Considering how much she idolized Juliette, it seemed off. When Rayna had told them she was going with Deacon to the CMA's as his date, Maddie had made the odd comment about her having dated him right before marrying Teddy. She'd brought that up a day earlier, when she'd overheard Rayna telling Deacon she loved him, but it was as though she were fixated on it.

Deacon had been traveling with her on tour for the last several weeks, but they'd kept their relationship under the radar until Rayna had felt comfortable sharing it with the girls. She was sensitive to their reactions in the wake of Maddie finding out about Peggy and, even though the girls had known Deacon all their lives, she didn't want to take anything for granted. She'd been troubled too by the knowledge that she was keeping Maddie's paternity a secret from Deacon. It felt uncomfortable, but she hadn't known quite how to raise the issue, either with Deacon or with Teddy. And so she had kept quiet. Now she wished she hadn't.

This was not how she had expected this to go. Of course, she'd never really thought about when, or if, she would ever tell Deacon, at least not since Maddie was a tiny baby. She'd always assured Teddy she would keep it a secret, back when she had first found out she was pregnant and didn't know what to do. Deacon was a mess then. In fact, when she had gone to find him and tell him, she'd found him at the cabin, drunk. She had let Tandy pull her away and, when Teddy offered to marry her and raise the baby as his own, she had gratefully accepted. She'd never thought that this could happen. Of course, she'd never thought she and Teddy would divorce or that she would find herself standing on Deacon's front porch, declaring her love for him.

She was trying not to cry. She needed to be strong for Maddie. But this was a mess. This was not how she would have wanted this to come out. She thought about what Deacon had said to her. _How could you lie to me all this time? How could you watch me with her all this time and lie to me every single day? _ She'd always thought she was doing the right thing. It had started because Deacon was an alcoholic, who couldn't seem to get sober. She couldn't put her child through that kind of life. She had lived it herself for so many years and it was debilitating and hard and tumultuous. It had nearly destroyed her and she couldn't do that to a baby. But Deacon had gotten better. Inexplicably, he'd figured out how to get and stay sober. But she'd never been able to figure out when was a good time to tell him. Truthfully, it had felt easier to leave things as they were and just make sure that he had a good relationship with Maddie. Which he did. He loved Maddie and Maddie loved him. She had no idea what would happen now.

When he'd confronted her in her dressing room, she'd seen something in his eyes she hadn't seen in many years. She saw desperation, she saw hurt, she saw anger. She saw hate. It had shaken her to her core. Her instincts had taken over, though, because she knew that, even though he'd been sober thirteen years, this was the kind of traumatic experience that could put him over the edge. And she had seen that in him as he'd stood in front of her, seen that craving for a drink that she still remembered only too well.

She felt tears threaten as she considered that she might have lost him over this. She wondered if there was any way that she could fix it, repair the damage. She loved him. Now that they had finally found their way back to each other and he was healthy and sober, she dreaded the thought of losing him forever. _I have to make him understand. I need to give him some time, but I have to make him understand._

When the limo pulled up to her front door, she nearly jumped out before the car stopped. She raced up the steps to the front door and pulled it open, running for the stairs. She could hear voices in Maddie's room and she hurried to her door and opened it. Teddy was standing at the end of Maddie's bed and Maddie was propped up on her pillows, her eyes red and her cheeks stained with tears.

Rayna felt a lump in her throat and her stomach was knotted up. "Maddie, I'm so sorry," she started, as she walked in.

As soon as Maddie saw her, her face turned hard and angry and she jumped off the bed. She went to her closet and grabbed a bag. She started throwing things in it as Rayna and Teddy tried to figure out what to say. "So Deacon's my dad," she said, her voice bitter and harsh.

Teddy shook his head. "No, honey, well, biological, yes, but _I'm_ your dad and I always will be. There's a difference…."

"Not like Daphne," she interrupted.

Rayna felt devastated. "Honey, it doesn't matter, he loves you the same as he loves your sister." She was wringing her hands, feeling like she was begging. "The decisions we made at the time were because we loved you so much, because…."

Maddie interrupted again, furiously looking at Teddy. "How could you marry her if you knew she was pregnant by somebody else?" she shouted at him.

"Because, honey, we didn't know that was the case at first," Teddy said. "And I loved your mother very much and decided that it didn't matter."

Maddie looked horrified. "It doesn't matter who my real father is?"

"That's not what I'm saying."

"I know it's so hard to understand," Rayna said, trying to explain the unexplainable. "It was such a complicated situation…."

Maddie shook her head. "No, I understand it all. You lied to Deacon and you lied to me." She looked at Teddy. "Daddy, I want to live with you."

Teddy shook his head. "Now, honey, come on, please…."

Maddie turned back to Rayna. "This is all _your_ mistake. My even being born."

Rayna felt like she'd taken a knife to the heart. "That's not true, honey." Maddie picked up her bag and rushed past them. "Maddie!" she called after her and then started to follow her. "No, listen…" She stopped short when Teddy grabbed her arm and pulled her back. She glared at him. "What?"

Teddy held onto her arm as she tried to pull away. "Listen, if she needs to work through it this way, then let her do it." At the look on Rayna's face, he knew what she was thinking. "You promised me I wouldn't lose her. I'm promising you the same thing."

Rayna made a noise in the back of her throat. "I need to help her," she pleaded.

Teddy shook his head. "Let me take her home with me," he said, his voice kind. "Maybe she'll talk to me and give me a little more information. You can come get her tomorrow." Rayna started to protest and he held up his hand. "I know you want to fix this right now, but you can't, Rayna. Neither one of us can. Just give her some time." Then he looked hard at her. "Where were you?"

Her face crumpled and she looked away for a moment. "I had to take Deacon home," she said softly. When Teddy rolled his eyes, she felt herself get angry. "Teddy, this was hard for him too. No matter how you feel about him, this was a surprise to him and he didn't take it very well. I had to be sure he got home without…."

Teddy smirked. "Without falling off the wagon. I get it. And that was more important than our daughter?"

Rayna frowned. "At that moment, it was important that I do that."

Teddy stood there for a moment, but then he backed away. "Whatever. I need to get Maddie home. I'll call you tomorrow." He turned and walked down the hallway to the stairs, leaving Rayna collapsing back against the wall in tears.

* * *

Finally Rayna went downstairs and changed out of her gown into jeans and a sweatshirt. She found her clutch in the foyer where she'd dropped it when she'd come in the house. She pulled out her phone and walked into the den. She sat on the couch, one leg pulled up under her, and scrolled down her list of contacts to Deacon's name. She wanted to call him, but she wasn't sure he'd want to talk to her. She was afraid they wouldn't be able to fix this, that she wouldn't be able to make him understand, that he would never get over being angry with her. She wasn't sure that she could let him go, just when she'd gotten him back.

She pressed the call button and listened as the phone rang and then went to voice mail. Her heart sank. _This is Deacon. Leave a message._ She sighed. "Deacon, it's me. I really want to talk to you. Please call me. I'm begging you. I love you, babe, and I really want us to work through this. Just…just call me." She hung up and then sat there on the couch, tears rolling down her face, feeling utter despair. She just hoped Coleman was able to keep him safe.

She walked back upstairs, stopping briefly at Maddie's room. She felt such a pain in her heart over how unhappy her daughter was. She wished she'd been able to explain more, but she acknowledged to herself that it probably was better that Maddie be with Teddy right now. Even though she ached to hold her and comfort her, she knew Maddie wouldn't be able to accept that from her tonight. She hoped that by tomorrow, she'd have calmed down and would be ready to listen.

She walked down to Daphne's room and slowly opened the door, peeking in. Daphne was lying on her side facing away from the door and seemed to be sound asleep. Rayna hesitated and then softly walked in the room and carefully sat on the edge of Daphne's bed, hoping not to disturb her. She watched her for a few minutes, then reached out and gently smoothed her hair. Daphne startled her by rolling over on her back, her eyes wide open.

"Oh, baby girl, I'm sorry," Rayna whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

Daphne's eyes were wide and sad, her little mouth turned down. "I wasn't asleep."

Rayna frowned and slid over on the bed, pulling her legs up under her. She put an arm around Daphne's head, rubbing her fingers lightly over the little girl's forehead. "Why aren't you asleep?"

"I heard yelling," she said. "You and Daddy and Maddie." Rayna felt a stabbing in her heart that Daphne had heard all that. "I couldn't really understand what y'all were saying, but I could tell Maddie was mad. Why was she mad?"

Rayna thought about what to say. She had thought of this as affecting Maddie, as well as her and Teddy. And Deacon, of course. She hadn't really thought about the fact that, even though it wasn't about Daphne, it impacted her too. She took a deep breath and she slid down on the bed next to her daughter, laying her head on the pillow. Daphne turned her head to look at her mother. Rayna thought it was probably time to stop the lying, so she decided to tell her the truth.

"Well, honey, this might be a little complicated and hard for you to understand, but Maddie found out today that your dad isn't her father. And she's pretty upset about that."

Daphne frowned. "I don't understand. Does it mean she's not really my sister?"

Rayna shook her head. "No, sweetheart, she's still your sister. I'm your mama, yours _and_ Maddie's. But, uh, Deacon is Maddie's father." She paused. Daphne looked like she was going to cry. "I can't really explain it all to you, but when Maddie was born, I was married to your dad and he loves Maddie just like he loves you." She reached out and ran her hand over Daphne's cheek and then picked up a strand of her hair. "Maddie is going to need us to let her know how much we love her right now. Can you do that?"

Daphne nodded. "Is Deacon my dad too?"

"No, sweetie. Daddy's your dad. And he's Maddie's dad too. Still."

Daphne screwed up her face. "That does seem complicated. I guess I understand why she was yelling."

Rayna gave her a sad smile. "I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but I want you to understand why Maddie might be unhappy for a while. She's staying with your dad tonight, but she'll come back home tomorrow."

Daphne sighed. "Okay." She looked pensive, but she didn't say anything else.

Rayna hated having to put such grown up stuff on Daphne's shoulders, but there had been enough secrets and she knew this was one that they wouldn't be able to keep from her. Daphne turned and snuggled into her and Rayna felt tears spring up as she cuddled with her daughter. She hadn't thought she'd be able to sleep that night, but laying there with her younger daughter's small body curled up against hers, she was finally able to let go of some of the tension she'd been feeling and before long, they both fell asleep.

* * *

When Daphne's alarm went off the next morning, Rayna was disoriented for a moment. She realized she'd fallen asleep in Daphne's bed and she turned off the alarm, then leaned over her daughter. "Daph, wake up, sweetheart," she said softly.

Daphne's eyes slowly opened. "Did you sleep in here?" she asked, sleepily.

Rayna smiled. "I guess so. I'm going to go fix your breakfast. You need to get up and get ready for school."

Daphne made a face. "Can't I stay home today?"

Rayna shook her head. "No, you can't. Now, get up." She rolled off the bed and rubbed her face with her hands. "I'll see you downstairs." She walked to the door.

"Mom?" Daphne called out. Rayna turned back to look at her. "Will Maddie be at school?"

Rayna sighed. "I doubt it. But she'll probably be home when you get home." Daphne nodded solemnly and, after a second, Rayna turned and walked downstairs.

She took a quick shower and changed clothes, pulling her wet hair back into a ponytail. When she got to the kitchen, she picked up her phone. No voice mail, no missed calls, no texts. Her heart sank. She wondered if Deacon had listened to her message. She texted Coleman. _How is he? I want to see him._ Then she went to the pantry and got out cereal for Daphne's breakfast, setting it on the counter. She had started preparing her daughter's lunch, when she heard her phone ring. She practically leaped on it, but was strangely disappointed to see it was only Teddy.

"Hey, Teddy," she said when she answered. "How's Maddie?"

"She's still sleeping. She had a pretty rough night. We talked for a while and she finally went to bed. I'm going to let her stay home from school today."

Rayna nodded. "Okay." She ran her tongue over her lips. "Did you tell you anything more about, you know, how she found out?"

Teddy cleared his throat. "Yeah, she did. She went snooping in your closet."

Rayna made a face. "What? But why?"

"Well, apparently after you told her you were seeing Deacon, she decided to go looking for anything she could find about when the two of you were together. She, uh, she found the paternity test results."

Rayna covered her mouth and sat down on one of the kitchen stools. "Oh, God," she said. "But why wouldn't she have come to one of us, Teddy? Why did she go to Deacon?"

"I don't really know, Rayna. I think, in that moment, she was really mad and resentful and she wasn't thinking clearly." He paused for a minute. "So I'm guessing Deacon confronted you about it."

Rayna nodded. "Yeah, he did. As you can imagine, he was pretty upset."

"Well, we're going to have to figure this out between the two of us. I don't want him involved in this at all. Or with Maddie."

Rayna bristled. "Teddy, that's not fair. He's her father. If he wants to…."

"No!" Teddy barked. "No. Absolutely not."

Just then Daphne walked in and looked quizzically at her mother. "Teddy, Daphne's here. I've got to go."

"Don't say anything to her, Rayna."

"I already did. She heard us last night."

Teddy let out an aggravated sigh. "Great, just great. Look, you can pick up Maddie this afternoon. I'll talk to you later." And he hung up.

Daphne hopped up on the stool next to Rayna and started pouring cereal in a bowl. "Is Maddie coming home?" she asked, in a small voice.

Rayna sighed. "Yeah, she is. Later today." She got up off the stool and went around to finish putting together Daphne's lunch. "Hurry up and eat, baby girl. I'll take you to school today." She picked up her phone again and called Tandy.

"Hey, babe," Tandy said as she answered. "What's going on?"

"Can I come by to see you? I'm going to take Daphne to school. Can I come over then?"

"Well, sure." Tandy's voice sounded puzzled. "But why's Maddie not going to school?"

Rayna felt gripped with emotions, but pushed them down. "That's what I want to talk to you about. I'll see you later." And she hung up without waiting for Tandy to respond. She looked over at Daphne then. "Go brush your teeth so we can go," she said.

* * *

Just as she was pulling out of the school driveway, Coleman called. "Hey, Cole, how is he?" she asked, frantic to hear something.

"I'm on my way over there now," he said.

"What? You left him by himself all night? Cole…."

"No, Rayna," he interrupted. "He wasn't there by himself. But I can't be there 24/7, so I got some other sponsors to help out. We're covering him around the clock for at least the next few days."

Rayna breathed a sigh of relief. "How was he last night?"

"I'm not gonna lie, Rayna. It was bad. He's angry. He's hurt. He's humiliated."

She wanted to cry. Her stomach hurt and her head hurt. "I need to talk to him, Cole. I need to explain."

"I think you need to give him some space, Rayna. He's not ready to hear you right now."

"But he let me drive him home. That has to mean something."

"It means he didn't want to go drink. You shouldn't read anything else into that. He doesn't want to see you right now."

Rayna choked back a sob. "But I have to talk to him. I have to make him understand."

"Rayna, just leave him alone for now. That's the best thing you can do for him. I'll let you know when I think he might be ready."

"Just let me know how he's doing, okay? And tell him, I don't know. Just tell him I want to talk to him."

"I will. Look, I'm here now and I need to take over for the guy that's here."

Rayna felt tears running down her cheeks. "Thanks, Cole," she said, and hung up.

* * *

When Tandy opened her door, she gasped when she saw her sister. "Rayna, you look awful!" she cried. She grabbed Rayna's hand and pulled her in the house.

Rayna gave her a look. "Thanks, babe. That's always nice to hear," she said, with a sad smile.

"Well, you know what I mean. I'm sorry I was so blunt, but something is obviously wrong. What is it?"

Rayna looked at her sister helplessly, then looked away. Finally she looked back and burst into tears. "Maddie and Deacon know," she said. "And neither one of them will talk to me."

Tandy immediately took Rayna in her arms. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Come on, let's sit down." She led Rayna into the den and they sat on the couch, Rayna leaning her head on Tandy's shoulder, Tandy smoothing her hair and holding her hand. "Tell me what happened."

Rayna took a deep, shuddering breath as she regained her composure. "Last night, Deacon was supposed to pick me up for the CMA's. It was going to be our first public date. The girls knew we were seeing each other and seemed okay with it and we were ready. Except that Deacon never showed up. Bucky had to get me a limo at the last minute." She sat up then and turned to face her sister. "I just thought maybe he'd changed his mind, but he showed up, just wasn't particularly friendly. I was getting ready to go on stage to present an award when he showed up at my dressing room. And asked me if he was Maddie's father."

"Oh, babe," Tandy said, her eyes wide. "How did he find out?"

"Maddie told him. She found the paternity test results. And then she went and asked Deacon if he was her father. And what was I supposed to say to that? I had to confirm it. And he was furious, as you would expect. He walked out and I was so afraid he was going to go to a bar, so I followed him."

"But what about Maddie? Didn't you need to talk to her?"

Rayna looked conflicted. "I knew Teddy was with her. I had to be sure I could get Deacon home. And that I could get Cole over there to be with him." She started to cry again. "He told me he'd never forgive me. That he didn't even _know_ me." Tandy was silent. "And then when I went home, Maddie was furious and she left with Teddy. She wouldn't listen to me or talk to me."

Tandy squeezed her hand. "Sweetheart, you knew it was risky to get involved with him, because of that."

Rayna snatched her hand away, scowling angrily at her sister. "This coming from one of the people that told me all those years ago not to tell him at all. How dare you!" She stood up and turned towards the door.

Tandy jumped up and grabbed her arm. "Please don't go, Rayna. I'm sorry, but you know that's true. Did you think you would tell him at some point?"

"I don't know!" she shouted. "You and Teddy were both telling me I could _never_ tell him. You just never thought about the fact that I still loved him."

"Sweetheart, neither of us thought you'd ever be in a position to get back together with him either." Tandy reached for Rayna's hand again. "I'm really not trying to hurt you, babe, but you had to know it would be a difficult situation."

"You know what, Tandy? I keep thinking now that I was wrong to have listened to you and to Teddy back then. What if I had just told Deacon the truth? What if I had done that and he had just stop drinking that very day?"

Tandy shook her head. "I was there. I saw what he was like."

"Maybe becoming a father would have been the thing that finally got rid of his demons." Rayna wrapped her arms around her waist.

"I don't think that's how addiction works." Tandy felt compassion for her sister, but she also felt that Rayna had made the only decision she could back then. "You wanted to make a better life for Maddie."

"Yeah, but what's a better life, really? Teddy and I are getting divorced and he's become someone I don't even recognize. Maddie's life's gonna be blown up. I mean, _something_ got him to finally quit drinking. Why couldn't it have been her?"

Tandy walked over and put her arms around her sister. "Babe, there was no way to know. We didn't have a crystal ball we could look into. You had to make the best decisions you could at the time."

Rayna shrugged. "And yet now, here we are. Not where I would have wanted us to be." She stepped back from Tandy. "Listen, I need to go pick up Maddie. I don't know how that conversation's gonna go, but I have to try to reach her. I've given her some time to cool down, but I have to start the healing." She squeezed Tandy's arm. "Thanks for listening." Then she picked up her purse and walked out.

* * *

In spite of the fact that Coleman had told her not to come by Deacon's, Rayna couldn't help herself. She felt like if she didn't try to reach out, didn't try to let Deacon know she wasn't giving up, that he would think she was. When she got out of her car, she saw the two of them sitting on Deacon's front stoop. As she walked up the steps, Deacon saw her. She could see him scowl and then get up and hurry into the house, slamming the door behind him. She felt sick, watching that.

Coleman stood up as she approached. "Rayna, I told you not to come," he said.

Rayna frowned in spite of her tears. "I know you did, Cole, but I can't just stay away. I can't let him think that I'm walking away from this." She continued up the steps until she got to the porch, where Coleman grabbed her arm.

"Don't do this," he warned.

She shook him off. "I can't _not_ do this," she said. She walked towards the front door and hesitated for a moment, then opened it and walked in. Deacon was in the kitchen and, when he saw her, he glared at her angrily.

"I don't want to talk to you, Rayna," he said, his tone icy.

She willed herself to be strong and she faced him defiantly. "I know you don't. But I have to say this to you. I just want to tell you not to do anything you'll regret. I know you're angry at me, but think about Maddie. One day you're gonna want to reach out to her or she'll reach out to you – just remember that before you take a step you'll regret."

"Get out of my house!" he yelled. His voice was angry, but his eyes were full of pain and hurt.

"Deacon, just please think about Maddie. About our daughter."

"I can't look at you! Get out!" He turned and walked out the back door, slamming it as he did.

Rayna stood there, trying to stay strong, but tears ran down her cheeks. _He looks so wounded. What have I done?_ She flinched when Coleman walked up behind her and put his arm around her. She turned into him and wept on his shoulder, as he rubbed her back. Then he took her arm and walked her to the front door.

When they were back out on the porch, Coleman was gentle but firm. "Rayna, you can't do this again. You have to give him some space to process this. I know you want to fix it but you can't right now."

Rayna smiled sadly, thinking that Teddy had said something similar to her about Maddie. She nodded. "Okay. I won't push. But this can't go on forever. At some point, we're going to have to talk about it."

Coleman nodded. "Agreed. But not today. And not tomorrow. And maybe not even next week. You're going to have to be patient."

She nodded. "Okay. Thanks for looking out for him, Cole." She gave him a hug and then she walked slowly down the steps and out to her car.

* * *

On the drive over to Teddy's, Rayna worried that staying away from Deacon would backfire on her, but she decided she had to trust Coleman. For now, at least. But she had decided that she was going to fight for them, that she would do whatever she needed to do to get them through this. She wasn't going to give up on him just as she'd gotten him back.

When Teddy answered the door, she asked how Maddie was doing. "She's pretty quiet," Teddy said. "She's still pretty mad, Rayna." His tone wasn't unkind though.

"Did she say any more about why she was looking for stuff?"

Teddy shrugged. "Not really. I think she's just confused about things, as any teenager probably would be when their parents are getting a divorce. I know she didn't expect to find what she did."

Rayna sighed. "Can I see her? Will she see me?"

Teddy nodded. "Yeah, she will. I don't think she wants to stay mad at you. I think she's hurt and confused as much as anything." He pointed down the hall. "She's in the den. I'll give y'all some time alone."

Rayna smiled gratefully. "Thanks, Teddy. For everything." Teddy gave her a tight smile and then left her alone. She walked slowly down the hall and into the den. Maddie was sitting in a chair, looking both angry and forlorn. Rayna's heart ached, wishing Maddie was still a little girl that she could scoop up in her arms and rock. She walked over and sat opposite her daughter.

Maddie looked a little like she wanted to cry and she had her head bowed down and her arms crossed tightly across her chest. Rayna gave her a small smile and leaned towards her. "I know you're mad," she said, carefully.

Maddie sighed and said nothing for a moment. Then finally she said, "I _am_ mad."

Rayna looked at her encouragingly. "I know. And I'm sorry. But I don't want you to be mad at me forever, 'cause we need each other. I married your dad because I loved him but I also married him because I wanted you to have a father that loved you as much as I do. And I love you more than anybody in the world and I'm never, ever gonna leave you." She watched Maddie carefully as she processed that and she could see that Maddie was rolling that over in her head, trying to decide how to respond. And then she got up and came to sit in Rayna's lap. Rayna wrapped her arms around her daughter and they cried together.

"I wish you had told me," she said finally, her voice small and wavering.

"I do too, sweet girl. That's the one thing I truly regret about all this. I never wanted to hurt you like that." She ran her hand over Maddie's back, much like she had when Maddie was a baby and she was trying to soothe her. "I want to tell you anything that you want to know. Do you want to ask me any questions?"

Maddie breathed in and out and then shook her head. "I'm not ready."

"Do you want to go home?" Rayna asked her.

Maddie nodded. "Yeah. I do." She got up off Rayna's lap and stood there, a little awkwardly, like she was unsure of her place.

Rayna got up and put an arm around her. "Let's go pick up your sister and go home. And when you're ready to talk more, just let me know, and I'll tell you whatever you want to know." She hugged her. "I love you, Maddie."

Maddie looked up at her. "I love you too."

They walked out of the den together and Rayna hoped it was the beginning of the healing process for the two of them.


	4. Chapter 4

When Coleman walked in the house, Deacon was slamming cabinet doors in the kitchen and yelling incoherently. Coleman knew he was looking for alcohol and he hoped there was none hidden anywhere in the house. He stood at the kitchen entrance until Deacon looked up and saw him there.

"Why are you here?" he shouted.

"Rayna asked me to be," Coleman answered. "Looks to me like you need me here." Deacon didn't respond, just glared at his sponsor. "Tell me the truth, Deacon. If Rayna hadn't brought you home, if I wasn't here, you'd be in a bar."

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, I would," he said, unrepentantly.

"Is that really what you want to do right now?" Coleman asked quietly.

Deacon stood at the counter, breathing in and out purposefully, his hands pressed against the counter's edge. "No, it's not." He looked up. "Not because of Rayna though."

"I understand." Coleman walked over to stand across from Deacon. "Do you want to talk about it? Talk about Maddie?"

Deacon growled and slammed his fist on the counter. "So you know too? Did she tell every goddamn person except me?"

Coleman shook his head. "No, I didn't know, Deacon. Not until Rayna told me just now." He decided not to say anything about his suspicions. He watched Deacon carefully. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked again.

Deacon leaned on the counter, dropping his head in his hands. "I don't remember, Cole. I thought it couldn't be true, because I don't remember."

"Deacon, you were in really bad shape back then. You were having blackouts. I'm not surprised you don't remember."

Deacon shook his head. "But why did she never tell me? I got sober, Coleman. Who keeps a secret like that? Who lies to their best friend all those years?" He looked up, his eyes red and devastation all across his face. "She told me she loved me. That she'd always loved me, even when she was married to Teddy. And all that time, we had a daughter together! How can you possibly look at someone every day and lie to them like that?"

Coleman shook his head sadly. "I don't know the answer to that, Deacon. I suppose Rayna thought she had a good reason."

Deacon shook his head and then took a deep breath. "It never occurred to me that Maddie might be mine. I mean, I've known her all her life and it never once occurred to me. How stupid was I?"

"I don't think you were stupid, Deacon. There was no reason for you to think she was your daughter."

Deacon rubbed his hands over his face. "I loved her, Cole," he said, his voice breaking. "She was my family. She was the person I trusted more than anyone in the world. How could she have done this? How could she have spent all these years pretending? Lying to me?"

Coleman walked around the kitchen island and then led Deacon into the living room. They sat down. Deacon still looked shell-shocked. Coleman didn't say anything at first, but finally he asked, "How bad do you want a drink, Deacon?"

Deacon looked up, despair all over his face. "A lot," he admitted quietly. "After Maddie left, I wanted a drink so bad. I had to concentrate so hard on just driving to Bridgestone. I'd forgotten what it was like to crave a drink so bad. Like I had to have it to survive."

"Will you accept help to stay away from it?"

Deacon closed his eyes and nodded. "I have to. I don't want to be weak. Plus I can't do that…" He paused. "I can't do that to Maddie. I don't know what to do now, but I don't want to put that on her."

"Do you want to see her?" Coleman asked.

Deacon took in a sharp breath, his eyes opening widely. "I don't know," he whispered. "I don't know anything about being a father. I don't really know how she feels about this." He looked at Coleman, pain in his eyes. "She seemed so unhappy, when she came over here. Maybe she doesn't want me to be her father."

"What do you want?"

"I don't know. I really don't know."

Coleman moved over and put a hand on Deacon's shoulder. "Well, I don't think you have to decide now. What I do want to do is make sure that you have support for the next few days. Or as long as you feel like you need it. I want to get some other sponsors to cover time I can't be here. Is that okay with you?" He hoped Deacon agreed; there was no way he could leave him alone, not now.

Deacon bowed his head and nodded. "Yeah," he said, his voice sounding defeated.

"We'll get through this, Deacon," Coleman said, as he texted a leader to arrange for help.

* * *

The next morning, Coleman came back by and picked up Deacon for a meeting. It was clear that Deacon hadn't slept well. He looked rough and his eyes had that look of despair in them that Coleman remembered from years ago, when his friend was still drinking. He couldn't imagine how difficult it must be for him to cope with the knowledge that Rayna had kept Maddie a secret from him all these years, that she had lied to him, in effect, for all of their daughter's life. While he'd wondered in the past about Maddie, he truly never believed Rayna would have done something like this. He thought he'd known her, he'd considered her a close friend, someone he admired for her tenacity and commitment to her career and to her family. This had thrown him for a loop.

When he'd gotten home the night before – early morning, in fact – he had told Audrey what had happened and they had grieved together, for both Rayna and Deacon. Audrey had pointed out that this would be a difficult wound to heal and that both of them would need a lot of support and help to be able to find a way to co-exist and be parents to their daughter. She also wondered how Maddie felt, with her world turned upside down, everything she thought she knew being tossed to the winds.

He didn't tell Deacon he'd talked to Rayna that morning. He didn't think Deacon needed to know and didn't think he'd appreciate knowing that Cole was keeping her informed on what was happening. Deacon was quiet on the drive, until right before they got to the church where the meeting was being held. He was looking straight ahead. "She called me last night," he said, his voice terse.

"Who? Rayna?"

Deacon nodded. "She left a voice mail. She still wants to talk."

Coleman raised his eyebrows. "Maybe you should," he said.

Deacon turned to look at him, a scowl on his face. "I can't do it. I can't even look at her right now. She's a liar. Why would I want to listen to her?"

"Well, Deacon, maybe she needs to tell you why she did it." Coleman didn't think Deacon was anywhere close to being ready to listen to Rayna, but he wanted to keep the door open, if he could.

Deacon laughed sarcastically. "She didn't believe in me. She didn't think I could get sober or stay sober. Even though I managed to do that for thirteen years. She had no faith in me. I don't need to hear her say it."

"Deacon, the only thing I'm going to say, and I think you really need to consider this, is that the two of you are Maddie's parents. So at some point, you'll need to figure out how to deal with each other, no matter how this all happened. So you'll have to figure out a way to talk to each other."

Deacon turned away. He worked his lip. "I don't have to do it now," he said, with a sense of finality. Coleman let it go.

* * *

There were probably twenty-five or so people at the meeting. Deacon had been coming to this meeting for years, although he mostly kept to himself. He knew faces and he knew names, but he didn't talk much to anyone and he didn't talk often to the group at large. It had been a safe place for him to come and find support, which he did. Today, though, he felt compelled to speak.

He got up and walked slowly to the front of the room. Everyone looked at him as he did. He appreciated the anonymity of AA and he knew that most of these people were working people and didn't know who he was. They might know who Rayna Jaymes was, so he'd never spoken of her, at least not by name. Everything at AA was supposed to be confidential, and it wasn't like the music community didn't know about his history, but he was glad not to have to really put himself out there.

He stood at the podium for a moment, working his lip, trying to decide what to do with his hands. He finally jammed them in his pockets. "My name is Deacon and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hey, Deacon," the group responded.

"I've been sober for over thirteen years. I haven't been tempted by alcohol for a lot of years. But last night I was the closest I've come to taking a drink in at least ten years." He stopped for a moment and swallowed hard. "I found out last night that I have a thirteen year old daughter. I've known her all her life and just found out she's mine. If you would have asked me if I thought her mama would have kept that a secret all those years, lied to me all those years, I would have told you no way in hell. But she did. And the only thing I thought would make it feel any better was to lose myself in a bottle of whiskey." His eyes were damp with tears and he had to stop to collect himself. "It took everything I had to not take that drink. It took an army of people to keep me from doing that to myself." His voice was almost a whisper. "I still want a drink. I want to wipe away the pain of knowing I was lied to for all those years. By the person I trusted most in the world." He took a deep breath. "But I'm not going to do it. Because of my daughter. I don't know what will happen for us, but I don't want to disappoint her or cause her shame. So I'm going to fight this thing for her." He took his hands out of his pockets and reached for the podium, tapping it with his hands. He couldn't think of anything else to say so he tapped it one more time. "Thank you." He quickly walked back to the back of the room.

"Thank you, Deacon," the leader said.

Deacon sat, breathing deeply, not listening to anyone else in the room. He hated the feeling of wanting a drink. It had become so unfamiliar to him that he struggled with feeling it now. He pulled up in his head a visual of Maddie. She'd always been a serious girl, although she had a warm sense of humor about her. She'd loved music almost from the time she could talk and she'd always begged him to teach her how to play the guitar. When she was young and Rayna brought the girls out on the road, Maddie would sit next to him and watch him play. He thought about her and Daphne, up there on the stage in New York City, doing sound check for Rayna. They were so unbelievably good. A part of him felt so proud of her, even though he'd had nothing to do with the person she had become. And he silently cursed Rayna yet again for robbing him of the joy of being Maddie's father, the pride of being able to watch her grow up and know that his blood ran through her. He had to force himself to stay and breathed deeply, trying to calm himself.

This wasn't going to be easy.

* * *

When he and Coleman got in the car after the meeting, he asked if they could stop by Juliette's. "Her mama died and I just want to check on her," he said. "I stopped by to see her yesterday and she slammed the door in my face. But I feel like I need to check in on her." Coleman looked wary. "You can hover if you want, Cole," he said, a little curtly, shaking his head.

Coleman looked back straight ahead. "I'm not trying to stand over your shoulder, Deacon," he said, finally. "I just don't want you putting yourself in a position to make a slip."

Deacon looked down at his hands and then nodded. "I know." He cleared his throat. "She might not even see me."

When they got to Juliette's house, Deacon got out of the car and walked up to the front door. He had that shaky feeling he vaguely remembered from being hung over, even though he was not. But considering all he'd been through the day before, he kind of was hung over from the emotions. Emily answered the door when he knocked.

"Hey, Deacon," she said, a tinge of sadness in her voice.

Deacon gave her a ghost of a smile. "Do you think she'll see me today?"

Emily shrugged and started to turn, but Deacon saw Juliette walk up behind her assistant. She gave him a sad smile. "I'm surprised you came back," she said. Emily walked away and Juliette came to the door.

"I was still worried about you," he said.

Juliette took a step back. "Come on in," she said.

"Um, do you mind sitting out here?" he asked.

She frowned but walked out, closing the door behind her. "Okay," she said slowly. She spotted the car across the street. "What, you have a bodyguard now?" she asked, looking up at him with a puzzled look on her face. "Or is that Rayna?"

Deacon scowled and shook his head. "No, it's not Rayna."

Juliette detected something wasn't quite right, but she decided not to probe right away. "Will you be coming to the funeral?" she asked.

Deacon shifted on his feet and looked away. "That's one of the reasons I came by. I can't."

Juliette frowned. "Why not?"

He took a deep breath. "I just can't be there. I'm sorry about that, but it's just…complicated."

Now she decided to probe. "Does this have to do with Rayna somehow? Did y'all have a little lovers quarrel and now you can't suck it up enough to be around her?" She felt annoyed.

Deacon frowned. "No, it's not that. It's a lot more complicated than that."

Juliette put her hands on her hips. "To tell you the truth, if only one of you is going to show up, I'd really rather it not be her. But this is ridiculous, Deacon. You're my friend and I really need you to be there with me for this. Why don't you just tell me what the hell is going on?"

Deacon fumed. He really didn't want to talk about this just yet, with anyone else, but he knew Juliette wouldn't let it go. "It's personal, Juliette. And I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

Juliette stood there for a moment, looking at him. Part of her was angry, but she detected a deep pain in Deacon that made her soften that anger a bit. She reached out and put her hand on his arm. "Why don't you come inside and we can talk?" she said quietly.

A part of him wanted to, but he wasn't ready to share. He shook his head. "I'm in a bad place right now, Juliette. I got my sponsor with me and I need to stay here." He nodded towards the car.

Juliette let that sink in. "What's so bad that you think you're gonna fall off the wagon?" she asked, with concern.

Deacon put his hands in his pockets and breathed in deeply. "I really can't do this right now, Juliette. I'm sorry. I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing and tell you that I'm gonna have to miss the funeral. Maybe we can talk in a few days."

"Okay." And then she watched as he turned and walked back down the walkway, out to the sidewalk, across the street, and got in the car. She wondered what could possibly have happened between him and Rayna that would cause him this much pain and this much grief. She shook it off though, because she had her own pain to deal with, and walked back in her house.

* * *

It was nearly a week later when Juliette showed up at Deacon's house. When he opened the door, she could see that he looked better, but not by much. "Hey," he said.

"Hey. Now it's my turn to come and check on you." She tilted her head and looked up at him. "How are you?"

He worked his lip. "Hanging in there," he said.

She smiled at him. "Are you going to let me come in or what?" she asked.

He gave her a small smile and walked out on the porch, shutting the door behind him. They both sat on the top step. Although it was November, it was still warm, so it was pleasant sitting outside. Deacon rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands in front of him. He looked out towards the street. "I'm sorry about missing the funeral and the memorial," he said.

"It's okay. Rayna was there for both and she looks kinda awful too, so I figured there's some major thing going on between y'all." She looked at him encouragingly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Deacon sighed. "I feel like all I done's talk about it, Juliette. At my meetings and with my sponsor."

Juliette frowned. "Did you…."

Deacon looked at her and scowled. "No, I didn't. I wanted to, but I didn't. I had around the clock sponsors for a few days until I felt like I could manage on my own. And my niece is back living with me, so that helps." He looked down. "I found out that Maddie Conrad is my daughter."

Juliette sat back in shock. "What? Are you kidding me?"

"No, I'm not. She found a paternity test that said Teddy Conrad wasn't her father, so she asked me if I was. When I asked Rayna, I found out it was true."

"You didn't know this? How is that even possible?" Juliette was incredulous.

"I was a drunk, Juliette. For a long time. You know that. It happened when I was probably at my lowest point. I just never knew she was mine."

"Rayna never told you?"

Deacon shook his head. "No."

"Wow." Juliette shook her head in disbelief. "Well, I guess I understand why you didn't want to see her and she looks like she lost her best friend. So what are you gonna do?"

"What do you mean?"

Juliette looked at him. "I mean, you have a daughter. What are you gonna do? Are you going to see her? Start hanging out with her? Be a dad?"

Deacon shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know how to be a dad."

"Well, I think you better start figuring it out. And what about Rayna? How does she figure into all this?"

Deacon scowled. "She doesn't." He turned and glared at Juliette. "I don't want to talk about her. Okay?"

"Sure. But you do need to figure out what you're going to do about your daughter, Deacon."

Deacon didn't respond. But he knew she was right. He needed to figure that out and he had no idea what to do. He hadn't heard from Maddie since that afternoon she'd come to his house and he didn't even know if she wanted to see him now. He'd had a great relationship with her all her life, but now things were all mixed up and knowing she was his daughter changed everything. Plus it meant he'd have to talk to Rayna and he still wasn't ready to do that. She was still trying to reach him, but he ignored her texts and didn't return her calls. He just didn't know what he was going to do about all this.

* * *

Deacon was cleaning out the gutters on his house when he heard her footsteps approaching. He couldn't avoid her, as he was standing on the ladder. She looked stiff and purposeful, her gaze steely. She walked over to the foot of the ladder and looked up. "Deacon, get down here," she said, firmly.

He glared at her. "What do you want, Rayna?" he asked.

She put her hands on her hips and frowned up at him. "I want to talk to you." She sounded angry.

He scooped up a handful of leaves and tossed them down. "I'm not interested in what you have to say, Rayna. That's why I haven't answered your texts or returned your calls."

"Deacon, I'm here to talk to you about Maddie. I wouldn't have come over here if you'd just answered my calls. I know you don't want to see me, but we need to talk about Maddie."

He stopped what he was doing and looked out over the roof of the house. He knew they needed to do that, but he didn't even know what to say to her. He wasn't even sure what he wanted.

"Deacon, please," Rayna said, her voice softer.

He slowly climbed down the ladder and took off his gloves. Then he stood facing her, his gaze level. "Okay, I'm here," he said.

She looked down and then away from him. "She's really confused about things, but I think she might want to see you." She turned back to look at him. "How do you feel about that?"

He worked his lip. He wasn't sure exactly what to say. He didn't know what the right thing to say was in this kind of situation. But he had to think about Maddie. _His daughter._ "I'd like to see her," he said finally. "I just thought I'd wait for her to decide what she wanted."

Rayna ran her boot over the grass and looked down. When she looked back, her eyes were sad. "Well, I think she might be waiting on you. How do you want to do this?"

Deacon felt himself get a little emotional, thinking about spending time with Maddie for the first time as his daughter. He ran his hand over his mouth. "Ah, wow. What if she came over for a guitar lesson? Would that work?"

Rayna smiled. "I think that's a great idea. And I think she'd like that. She always did like to sit with you while you played."

Deacon clenched his jaw, thinking about all the time he'd spent with Maddie over the years, not knowing she was his daughter. He wanted Rayna to leave. He wished she hadn't come by at all. Even though he was feeling stronger, didn't have the overwhelming, constant desire for a drink anymore, this brought that feeling back. He found himself clenching his fist with the gloves in it, trying to will himself to not think about the bottle of whiskey still hidden in his storage shed.

Rayna seemed to understand what she'd said and she looked away, with an apologetic look for him before she did. After she recovered, she said, "I could bring her over whenever you like. Just let me know."

Deacon nodded. "Anytime. Any afternoon she'd like." He cleared his throat. "Have her call me. Or text, when she'd like to come."

Rayna looked like she wanted to say something else, but instead she just nodded. "Okay. I'll have her do that." She gave him a tiny smile. "Thanks, Deacon."

He shrugged. "No problem," he said. Then he put back on his gloves and walked over to the ladder and started climbing back up, effectively ending the conversation. Rayna watched as he climbed up and then turned and walked off, without saying another word.

* * *

Coleman hurried up the steps. Deacon was sitting on the top step, a bottle of whiskey beside him. He looked like he needed help, his eyes haunted. Coleman looked at him questioningly. Deacon shook his head. "No, I didn't drink any," he said, his voice heavy. "But I wanted to."

Coleman sat down. "The good thing is you didn't." He took the bottle. "When did you get this?" he asked.

Deacon shrugged. "I don't even remember. Long time ago. I guess it's the one nobody found. I don't even know why I remembered it was there."

"What happened?"

"Rayna came over here. Wanted to talk about Maddie. I couldn't stand looking at her. That's when I remembered it was out there." He sighed. "I think I put it out there a couple years after I got sober. When I was still afraid I couldn't do it. Then I finally forgot about it. Until she was standing here in my front yard, wanting to talk about Maddie." He looked at Coleman and let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Isn't it ironic that she didn't want to talk about Maddie for thirteen years and now she does? Now that her secret isn't a secret anymore, it's important?"

Coleman smiled sympathetically. "You _do_ need to talk about Maddie, though, Deacon. Maybe not with her yet. But with somebody. It's hard for any of us to understand what you're dealing with, finding out you have a daughter you didn't know you had. And trying to build a different kind of relationship with her. I imagine it's tough for her too. Don't you think so?"

Deacon looked at Coleman, devastation on his face. "I love Maddie. I've always loved Maddie. But I don't know how to be a dad. You know that. I don't have a good role model for that. She _has_ a good dad, who loves her and knows how to be a good dad. What if I mess up?"

Coleman sighed. "I think you figure it out as you go. No one knows at the beginning. And you don't have to be your father, Deacon. I think you already know how to have a good relationship with Maddie, because you've always had one. I don't think it's going to be as complicated as you think." He put his hand on Deacon's shoulder. "How about we go to a meeting?"

Deacon looked down at his hands and nodded. "I think that would be good," he said.

* * *

He hadn't planned on sharing this time. He hadn't done that since the time he'd talked about finding out about Maddie. He just wasn't the type to share his life with others. The only person he'd ever truly done that with, laid himself bare, was Rayna. And he couldn't do that anymore. That left him feeling a tiny bit sad, a little regretful, and a lot pissed off. But Coleman had badgered him on the way over about it. Told him that maybe he needed to talk about what his fears were. That until he did that, he might never overcome them. He'd told Coleman to shut up and leave him alone.

He did get up though. Somehow he felt like he needed to say this stuff out loud. It was actually one of the few things he'd never shared with Rayna. He'd been too embarrassed. He still was, but somehow it felt safer saying these things here. "I've never really talked about my childhood before. Mine was kind of tough. My father was a drunk. A mean drunk. He wasn't a nice person, even in the best of circumstances. I remember once when I was a kid. This isn't the first time I remember it happening, but it's the time I remember the most." He gripped the podium as though it were a lifeline.

"My mom had made dinner and, I guess, when my dad got home, it wasn't to his liking somehow. It was some kind of casserole, something my mom made a lot. Anyway, he told her it wasn't what he wanted and he picked up the dish and threw it across the room. My sister and I tried to hide ourselves, so he wouldn't come after us. After he threw the food, he hit my mom. Hard." He felt tears coming as he remembered the incident, as though it had just happened. "Then he hit her again. And when he got ready to hit her a third time, my sister rushed over to try and protect her and he slammed her up against the wall." He wiped away the tears. "She was just ten, just trying to protect our mom. All our lives were messed up, but I tried to not be like him. But you know what? I am. I'm a drunk, just like him." He rubbed his hands over his face. This was hard. "I have a daughter now. And she's thirteen. I'm scared to be her daddy, because I don't know how to be one. I never learned how to be one. I just don't want to embarrass her or make her scared of me or do the wrong thing. I haven't talked to her since I found out and I don't even know if she wants me to be her daddy or not. I just don't want to mess it up."

He couldn't say any more, so he stopped. Then he said, "Thank you," and walked back to his seat.

Coleman put a hand on his shoulder and said, quietly, "You can do this, Deacon. You know you can. I think this was a step in the right direction."

Deacon wasn't sure about that. The thought occurred to him that Rayna ought to be the one helping him navigate this, but that wasn't going to happen. He was going to have to somehow figure this one out on his own.


	5. Chapter 5

Coleman was the one to suggest counseling to Rayna and Deacon. At first, neither one wanted to do that, but he persisted. He knew they needed to talk about what had happened and he was also concerned because it had kept Deacon from reaching out to Maddie yet. He didn't think they could resolve this just between the two of them. It was such a volatile issue and they were both such strong-willed people. He considered them both friends, but he truly felt that Rayna owed Deacon an explanation, more than what she'd given him. In his opinion, she should never have started a relationship with Deacon again with that still hidden.

Rayna was conflicted about it. She brought it up with Tandy, hoping for some support. "I just don't know what will be gained from going through this," she said. "I've told Deacon what was happening at that time and why I made the decisions I did. What else is there to talk about?"

"Well, isn't part of this so that the two of you can work out how to help Maddie get through this? Has she seen him at all?"

Rayna shook her head sadly. "She hasn't pushed the issue. I tried talking to Deacon about it, and he seemed interested, but he never really followed through. I don't know if he's just afraid or if he doesn't want to spend time with her. And Maddie won't really talk to me about it. She still goes back and forth between being angry and being withdrawn."

"You can't really blame her," Tandy said. "It's all pretty confusing. But you and Deacon really do need to work together, I think."

"I want to. I just don't think he's gotten over it yet. And so it's hard to deal with him right now."

Tandy reached for her hand and looked at her sister compassionately. "Do you still love Deacon, sweetheart? Do you still want things to work out for the two of you?"

Rayna had really put that aside in the aftermath of the reveal. Deacon wouldn't speak to her and she had felt him slipping away from her. Her face crumpled as the tears started to flow. "I'll always love Deacon," she said, brokenly. "I don't want to lose him. But I think I already have. He's so furious with me, I don't think he'll ever forgive me."

Tandy took a deep breath. She had felt for years that Deacon was bad for her sister, that he pulled her down. She still wasn't sure that it was good for them to be together, with all the tumultuous history they shared. But she knew Rayna loved Deacon, had never loved anyone the way she loved Deacon. "I think you need to try this," she said finally. "You're going to need to be parents together, at the very least, so you need to try to work through this. And Rayna, I have to be honest, I do believe it's more than just explaining why you decided not to tell him you were pregnant. Surprising as that may sound, coming from me."

Rayna frowned. "So you agree with Coleman?"

Tandy made a face. "I don't know if that's how I'd put it, but I think y'all need to talk about this. If for no other reason than that you need to help your daughter. And maybe having a neutral third party will help you work through all of this." She shrugged. "And if it brings you back together, then we'll see how that goes."

* * *

Deacon told Juliette about Coleman's suggestion. When he had finally told her about Maddie being his daughter, she had not really been surprised by the news, but she had been shocked that Rayna had kept it a secret. She'd encouraged him to reach out to Maddie, but he'd been reluctant, not knowing if he could be the kind of father she deserved.

They were sitting on the steps at his house on a sunny afternoon in December, a week before Christmas. Deacon worked his lip and then looked off into the distance. "Coleman thinks Rayna and me should go to counseling," he said. "To figure things out about Maddie."

Juliette looked surprised. "Really." She thought about that for a moment. "You know, maybe that's not a bad idea. There's a lot that Rayna hasn't told you that you need to know."

Deacon turned his head to look at her. "I guess. I don't know if I want to hear it though."

"When's the last time you saw her?"

He looked down at his feet. "She showed up here, wanting to talk about Maddie. A few weeks ago, I guess." He looked back up at Juliette, a scowl on his face. "But I told her I didn't have anything to talk about with her. I still don't."

Juliette put her hand on his arm. "Deacon, Maddie's your daughter. You need to deal with that."

"She hasn't actually asked to see me. I don't think she wants this any more than I do."

"I don't think that's true," Juliette said with a sad smile. "She's just thirteen. She doesn't know how. She really needs both you and Rayna to help her. And y'all being at cross purposes isn't helping that. You and Rayna, I mean."

"But how is counseling going to help? I don't know if I can be in the same room with Rayna."

Juliette looked puzzled. "Don't you want to know why she never told you? I mean, you've been sober for a very long time. Don't you want to know why the right time never came up? If she was ever going to tell you?"

Deacon took a deep breath. "Maybe I don't want to know the answers," he said quietly.

Juliette shook her head. "I don't believe that. The two of you were back together. Why would she do that when she knew she was hiding the fact that y'all had a daughter together? I think you need to know all of this to be able to move past it. It's going to be an obstacle between y'all if you don't."

Deacon scowled. "There's no 'us' anymore, Juliette. I can't trust her anymore and without trust, there's nothing. She kept a secret from me for thirteen years. She betrayed me for thirteen years. I don't know that woman anymore."

"Oh, please," Juliette said, making a face. "Much as I hate to say it, she's the love of your life. She's the only woman you'll ever love. I think you're afraid to hear what she has to say because it might mean you could get past it. And you'd just rather hang on to the mad."

"I can't even believe you're saying that to me," Deacon said, his voice tight. "The woman I lived with back when we were starting out, _that_ woman was the love of my life. This woman, well, I don't know the woman she's been the last thirteen years. And I don't care what she says, I'm never forgiving her."

Juliette laughed. "I think you should do the counseling anyway, Deacon. You never know. It could help. If nothing else, you need to be a dad to Maddie. And I guess you can't do that until you have some answers."

* * *

Coleman was finally able to convince them they needed to do this for Maddie, if not for themselves. When they both finally agreed, Audrey found a well-respected family therapist through Vanderbilt. The initial plan was for Deacon and Rayna to meet with him together, to work through all the issues and come up with a plan for how to be parents together. He asked to see each one individually first in order to find out what they were hoping to gain from counseling, in order to structure the joint sessions.

Rayna went by to see Tandy after her session with Dr. Harris. "I don't know about this, Tandy," she said. "He seems to want me to talk about more than I'm comfortable with."

"What did he say?"

Rayna scrunched up her face. "Well, he asked me first what I wanted to accomplish. And I told him that I just want Deacon and Maddie to have a relationship. And that I want Deacon to be able to get past this."

Tandy reached out for her sister's hand. "I think the first thing makes complete sense. But it sounds to me, from what you've told me, that Deacon is still pretty angry about what happened. What are you going to tell him?"

"What I've been telling him. That I made the best decisions I could for Maddie. And that I had to think about her and what was in her best interest." She sighed. "I just don't see why we have to open up all those old wounds. All it will do is make him angrier and I want us to heal, not grow farther apart."

Tandy gave her an encouraging smile, even though she felt anything but. She was afraid that this would not end the way her sister wanted it to. She knew she had counseled Rayna to not involve Deacon and she had supported her not telling him about Maddie over the years. She still believed that was the right thing to do and, while she was sorry all this was happening, she wasn't sure she wanted them to "heal". "Well, sweetheart, I think you just go into this sharing what you feel comfortable sharing and just see how it goes from there. I mean, this counselor can't force you to share anything you don't want to. Right?"

Rayna nodded. "I guess," she said. "I just really don't want Maddie to get hurt."

* * *

Deacon felt uncomfortable sitting in a therapist's office. He'd certainly spent his share of time with addiction counselors in all his stays in rehab, but this was different. Instead of talking about what was causing him to drink, he was having to deal with matters of the heart. And his was battered and bruised and he wasn't sure he could handle more heartache.

"Deacon, what is it that you want from this?" Dr. Harris asked.

Deacon shrugged. "I don't know," he said, sullenly.

Dr. Harris was quiet for a moment. "I don't think that's really true," he said, finally. "Why don't we start with what questions you have that you want answers to."

Deacon huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. He scowled. Then finally he leaned forward in the chair and rubbed his hands over his face. He looked up and said, "I want to know why she did it. I know I was a drunk back then, but once I got sober, why did she not tell me I had a daughter?"

"Tell me how you felt when you found out."

Deacon sat back. "I was confused at first, because I didn't think it could be true. Then I was mad." He worked his lip. "I'm still mad. Rayna was the last person on earth that I thought would ever lie to me. About _anything_. But especially not something like this."

"How would it help to know what she was thinking during that time?"

Deacon looked incredulous. "I want to know why she lied!" he said heatedly.

Dr. Harris nodded and held up his hand. "I understand that. What I mean is, would it change anything for you if you could understand that? Would it change how you felt about her not telling you? Would it change how you feel about her?"

Deacon raised his eyebrows as he considered that. "I don't know. Probably not, but I don't know." He sighed. "Truthfully, I would like to hear her side of things. I don't know that it changes anything, but for my own peace of mind, I'd like to hear it. And I'd like for her to admit she was wrong."

Dr. Harris made some notes and nodded. "And what about Maddie? What do you want to happen with Maddie?"

Deacon sighed and looked down. "I don't know. I don't think I'm built to be a father."

Dr. Harris looked at him over his glasses. "What makes you think that?" he asked.

Deacon sat back and his eyes got teary. "I do want to know her as my daughter. But I'm scared. My father was a bad man and I don't want to be like him. I've known Maddie her whole life and I love her. But everything is different and I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I know how to be a father."

"Would it help at all if I told you that there's no right way to go about it? That you just start by spending time together and getting to know things about her that you wouldn't have known before? Start by filling in those blanks. You do it together, because, remember, she's in the same place as you. She's known you all her life, but not as her father. Start with what you have in common and work from there."

Deacon nodded. "Music. That's what we have in common. I actually had said I could do guitar lessons but that never really went anywhere."

"Why not?"

Deacon shrugged. "I didn't follow through. I told Rayna to have her call me, but maybe that wasn't the right way to do it."

"That's something we could talk about when the two of you are together. Set some ground rules and make a plan." He made a note, then looked back up at Deacon. "The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes. And it can make Maddie think you don't want to have a relationship with her. That's not what you want, is it?"

"No." Deacon took a deep breath as he felt tears threaten. "No, it's not."

Dr. Harris smiled. "I think we have a place to start. I hope we can gain some common ground."

Deacon nodded. "Me too," he said.

* * *

The morning of their first session together, Deacon was already in the waiting room when Rayna arrived. He met her gaze, but gave no indication of welcome, so she went and sat across the room. She stole glances at him, but found his face unreadable. He seemed so shut off. Her heart ached, thinking that they might never have another chance together. All she'd ever wanted, back when they were together, was for them to be a family. To get married and have children and raise them together. That seemed so impossible now.

Deacon didn't look at Rayna again after she walked in, but he was acutely aware of her. He felt angry at himself for not being able to just dismiss her. It hurt him to his core to remember how happy he'd been when they'd gotten back together and how quickly it was all blown to bits by that afternoon visit from Maddie. He found himself questioning again why he was here. Then he reminded himself it was for Maddie.

They didn't have to wait long before the doctor called them from the door. They followed him to his office and sat in separate wing chairs, avoiding the couch. Dr. Harris sat across from them, noting where they'd chosen to sit. He watched them for a moment and then started the session. "Rayna and Deacon, I understand that you're here to try to work through issues surrounding the fact that Deacon recently found out the two of you had a child together. And you want to work on how you parent that child together. Is that correct?" They both nodded. He looked at Rayna. "Rayna, maybe you could start by sharing what happened back in the beginning. Just for some context."

Rayna took a deep breath and then looked down at her hands in her lap. She could feel Deacon's eyes on her. "Uh," she said and then words escaped her.

After a moment, Dr. Harris prompted her. "When did you find out that Deacon was your daughter's father?" he asked.

Rayna looked up at him. He was a middle-aged man, with salt-and-pepper hair and kind brown eyes. He had on those half-moon glasses that she normally associated with older men. He was dressed comfortably in khakis and a sweater, which had somehow surprised her. It had thrown her off a bit when she'd first met him and now it did again. "I, uh, well, officially, I knew after the paternity test. Which was after Maddie was born."

"But unofficially?"

Rayna sighed. "I always knew," she said quietly. She could see, out of the corner of her eye, Deacon moving in his seat, turning to look towards her.

"Why did you decide not to tell him then?"

"Well, actually I had planned to." She turned to look at Deacon, her eyes narrowing a bit. Her voice had a hardness to it. "I went to the cabin to tell you. But…you were drunk. I got there and you were drunk, Deacon. And I had to think about my baby. And whether that was the kind of life I wanted for her." She breathed in deeply. "It was one thing for me to live with that, and you know that I dealt with your drinking for a lot of years, but it was different with a baby." She lowered her head. "I didn't know what to do. I was scared."

"Why Teddy?" Deacon asked, his voice low.

Rayna looked up at him. Her voice was brittle. "Because he was safe. And he was stable. And he offered to take care of us. He was willing to raise the baby as his own. And I thought that was best for Maddie. I could give her a father that we could count on. To be there, to provide for us. You know I couldn't always depend on you to be there. Or be sober."

Deacon glared at her. "And yet you sent me to rehab again. Paid for it yourself. But you still couldn't tell me." He ran a hand over his mouth. "Damn it, Rayna, you cut me out! You cut me out of my own daughter's life! You never even gave me a choice!"

Rayna looked away. When she turned back, she said, "I don't want to rehash all this old stuff. I just want to get to a point where we can be parents to Maddie and not fight with each other."

"What is it that you want from me?" he asked, his voice still angry.

"I need you to talk to me about Maddie. I want us to be able to talk to each other."

Deacon scowled. "I don't want to listen to all your excuses, Rayna."

Rayna frowned. "Deacon, I promise that the only time I'll call you is when it's about Maddie. If that's how you want it, I'll respect that. But you have to meet me halfway. Answer when I call you. Can you do that?"

He nodded and looked away. He tapped his fingers on the arm of the chair, then turned back to her. "You know, the hard part right now is that I _still_ wouldn't know she was mine if she hadn't found out. You would never have told me."

"You don't know that."

"Sure I do. You'd still be sitting in that chair, lying to my face, right now and every day for the rest of my life." At that moment, he felt like he wanted to jump out of his chair and shake her until she owned up to the fact that she'd betrayed him, hurt him.

"This wasn't how I wanted it, Deacon. I wanted to marry you and raise our daughter up together. But you couldn't do that. You couldn't provide us with a stable home." She took a deep breath. "I know I lied to you and I guess you resent the hell out of me for that. But I resent you even more for putting us in this position," Rayna said heatedly.

Deacon bristled and got up from the couch. He stormed over to the window and looked out, breathing in and out, his fury evident.

"This isn't a contest," Dr. Harris said. "It's good to get this out, so you can deal with it, but one person's hurt isn't greater than the other's." He looked over the top of his glasses at Rayna, as she crossed her arms over her chest and scowled.

She was quiet for a moment, first looking at Dr. Harris, then turning her eyes to Deacon. She could see the tension rippling through him. His hands were in his pockets and his shoulders were rolled forward. She felt a twinge of pain as she recognized that gesture as being one that Maddie took on when she was frustrated and angry. _Just like her father._ She closed her eyes and willed herself to breathe, to relax.

When she opened her eyes, she put her hand on the arm of the chair and pushed herself up. She walked over to Deacon and, standing behind him, put her hand on his arm. He jerked away and she made herself try again, this time wrapping her fingers around him. "Deacon, Dr. Harris is right," she said quietly. "It's not a contest. We both are hurt and my hurt isn't more than yours."

Deacon turned to face her, his eyes dark with fury. "I don't know if I can really do this." He waved his finger between the two of them. "Together. I do want to listen to you, Rayna, but I just can't yet. I can't get past how mad I am right now. Looking at you hurts too bad."

Rayna took in a sharp breath and teared up. "But we need to do this if we're ever going to work this out. I'm fighting for Maddie. I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for us," she said. In her mind this was as much about their relationship as it was about them being able to be parents to Maddie together.

Deacon threw his hands out in exasperation and then put them on his hips. "That's just it. I don't know if we _can_ work this out. I don't know that there's an 'us' to fight for. I don't know that I can ever trust you again. And I sure as hell can't forgive you right now." He looked away and ran his hand over his mouth. Then he looked at Dr. Harris, who was watching the exchange. "I'm sorry, Dr. Harris, but I'm just not ready for this."

"But, Deacon…" Rayna started to say.

Deacon waved his hand at her dismissively. "I'll still meet with Dr. Harris, Rayna. Just not with you. Not now." He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm sorry. I'll make another appointment." And then he walked out.

"Deacon!" Rayna called out, her voice broken, but he was gone. She started to cry, then walked over and sat on the couch.

Dr. Harris handed her a tissue. "Rayna, it's okay. It probably was too soon. It's clear there are a lot of open wounds between the two of you and maybe you need to heal them separately before you can heal together."

She looked at the therapist, feeling distraught. "But how do we help Maddie if we can't work things out between the two of us?"

"I think you can still help your daughter. You have some rebuilding to do with her on trust and closeness. Deacon has his own issues to work on so that he can have a relationship with his daughter. Iit will eventually lead to the two of you needing to work together to create a good parenting environment for Maddie. And you'll be in a better place to do that."

"But I love him. I don't want to lose him," she said, her voice broken.

Dr. Harris took a breath. "That may not be possible, Rayna. Not unless you are willing to do some work to understand your motivations for making the decisions you made. Not just before Maddie was born, but all the years after. Keeping that a secret, even after you knew that Deacon was on more solid ground, is something you need to confront and deal with."

Rayna opened her mouth to defend herself, but she stopped. If she was honest with herself, Dr. Harris was right. She might have been able, at one time, to defend why she'd made the decision not to tell Deacon she was pregnant, and she might have even been able to make him understand that it was the right decision at the time. But as time went on, she had consciously not told him. She'd let him have a relationship with Maddie, and told herself it was her way of making sure they were connected, but it truly was a horrible thing she'd done.

"Are you willing to do that, Rayna?" Dr. Harris asked. "Can you?"

Rayna felt tears spring to her eyes. She felt beaten down, exhausted. She shrugged. "I think I have to," she said, sadly.

* * *

As she drove home, Rayna thought about what Dr. Harris had said to her, about what she knew Deacon wanted from her. He wanted to know it all. He wanted her to explain herself and why she made the decisions she had. She wasn't sure she could do that. All of the things she'd told herself for all those years – that Maddie needed to be protected, that she could never be sure that Deacon wouldn't get drunk again, that she couldn't blow up Maddie's life, that Teddy had been a good and loyal father and husband and didn't deserve to be cut out of his daughter's life, that she had promised Teddy she would never tell – none of those things seemed so valid today. But then the one thing she'd said to Deacon, that he was the one that had put them in that position, she still believed that was true. At the time, there was no way to know he'd get, and stay, sober, and she couldn't risk her child's life for that.

She wasn't sure she could give Deacon the answers he wanted. She wasn't sure she wanted to say she was wrong all this time. _I put Maddie first,_ she told herself. That was what she wanted to believe. That was what she _had_ to believe.

* * *

Rayna was at home by herself when Maddie called, a week after the counseling session with Deacon. She and Juliette had a short two week break from their tour and Teddy had used that opportunity to schedule his wedding to Peggy Kenter. Daphne had quickly accepted Peggy into her life, which was so like her youngest daughter. Daphne let very little get her down and she almost always had a sunny disposition. Rayna often thought that if Daphne ever did want to be a performer, she already had the performance face down pat.

But Maddie had not had an easy time with Teddy's remarriage. Rayna supposed a lot of that was because of the situation with Deacon. Maddie was still struggling with the whole idea of Deacon being her father and Teddy getting remarried had gotten her out of sorts as well. She still was keeping most of her feelings to herself, but she'd started acting out more than normal. Rayna had wanted Deacon to reach out to Maddie, but he was keeping a low profile, waiting for Maddie to make the first move, which she found annoying.

At first Maddie wasn't going to go to Teddy and Peggy's wedding, but she finally relented after Teddy had a heart-to-heart with her. The plan was for all of them to stay the night at The Hermitage Hotel and then the four of them would be going to the Blackberry Inn for a long weekend. Rayna actually did think it was nice of Peggy to invite the girls along on their brief honeymoon. But here it was, just after eight o'clock, and Maddie was calling.

"Hey, sweet girl," Rayna answered. "How's the wedding?"

Maddie's voice sounded wistful. "It was nice. Daphne and I sang for Dad."

Rayna smiled. "Oh, honey, I'm so glad you did." Maddie had threatened not to, which had upset Daphne. Apparently Teddy's heart-to-heart had done the trick.

Maddie was silent for a moment. "Can you come pick me up? I think I'd like to spend the weekend with you."

"Of course. I'll be right there."

* * *

When they got home, Maddie had headed for her room, while Rayna made some popcorn. When she got upstairs, Maddie was listening to music on her iPod and reading. Rayna sat down on the bed. "I made some popcorn. You wanna go downstairs and have a mother-daughter movie night?" she asked.

Maddie gave her a small smile. "I'm okay. I'd rather just read, if that's cool."

Rayna nodded. "It's cool." She wondered what Maddie was listening to. "Do you mind if I listen?"

Maddie handed her an ear bud. "Sure," she said.

Rayna felt a pang in her heart as she heard Deacon's voice singing "A Life That's Good". The song he'd written about her back when they first met. She hadn't realized Maddie had been listening to his songs. Then Maddie pulled out her ear bud and Rayna did the same.

"Do you think Deacon will ever look at me the way that Dad looks at Daphne?" she asked.

Rayna caught her breath. "There are just so many questions we don't know the answers to, sweet girl." She took Maddie's hand. "We made a lot of decisions a long time ago that are really impacting your life right now. And I'm so sorry that you've felt even an ounce of pain over that. But we're gonna make it right. I promise you."

Maddie nodded and gave her mom a smile. "Okay," she said.

"Are you sure you don't want to watch a movie?" Rayna asked. Maddie shrugged. "I'll let you pick," she said with an encouraging smile. "But nothing scary, okay?"

Maddie got up from the bed and laughed. "Okay," she said as she walked out the door.

Rayna sat on the bed a moment, then got up and followed her daughter. She walked into the kitchen and picked up her phone, walking out to the butler's pantry where Maddie couldn't hear her. She scrolled down and hit the call button.

"Yeah," came Deacon's chilly voice after the third ring.

_At least he did answer._ "Hey. Listen. I know we've been trying to keep our distance while we work through things, but we're just not going to be able to do that." She paused. "Deacon, she's asking for you. Our daughter wants her father."

Deacon was silent for a moment on the other end. Finally, he said, "Can you bring her by tomorrow? I don't have anything planned, so maybe she and I could spend the afternoon together."

Rayna smiled to herself. "I think she would love that. I'll bring her over then." She paused. "Thank you, Deacon."

"I'm happy to do it. I'm looking forward to it, actually."

"Bye, Deacon," she said and hung up. She stood there for a moment, feeling a mix of happiness for Maddie and longing for herself. She missed him so much. She hoped that a combination of his working on his relationship with Maddie and the counseling they were going through would help them both be able to break through the impasse between them. She wanted them to be a family together. But this was a start and she took a deep breath and whisked away the tears that were threatening. Then she put on a smile and walked out to join her daughter for movie night.


	6. Chapter 6

_**The next few chapters are made up of short vignettes taking place over the better part of a year, as Deacon and Maddie develop their relationship and Deacon and Rayna work through their issues in counseling.**_

Maddie was coming over today. When Rayna had called last night, he had hesitated to answer the phone, but then he remembered their agreement, that she would only call when it was about Maddie. And so he had. He wondered what had happened to cause Rayna to believe that Maddie needed him now. Or had Maddie asked? It didn't matter, really. He did feel like he should have been the bigger person and reached out first, but he hadn't really known exactly how to do that. How to say how much he wanted to know his daughter. He'd been afraid. He was still afraid. Being a father seemed like something he wouldn't be good at, so he was afraid to take the risk.

Scarlett had laughed at him as he'd rushed around that morning trying to get ready for Maddie. "Deacon, she isn't going to care if the house is clean or not," she'd said. "She's coming over to spend time with _you_."

Deacon had looked at her in exasperation. "This is the first time she's going to be here, Scar. She's never been to my house, so I don't want her to never want to come back."

Scarlett had laughed again, shaking her head. "Just stop worrying. It's going to be fine. I promise."

He hoped she was right.

When Maddie got there, Rayna was with her. Of course. He didn't know why hadn't realized Rayna would bring her and walk her to the door. She'd asked what time she should pick Maddie up and he'd told her. He wanted her to leave and he could sense that Maddie did too. He found himself wondering if he could tell her not to come to the door anymore. He supposed that was impossible, but every time he saw her, the hurt and anger rose up again. He wasn't sure he could get past it, if he kept having to see her.

Deacon shut the door on Rayna and stood for a moment, breathing in and out slowly. The tension started to leave him as he turned to see Maddie standing there watching him, holding on to her guitar case. She seemed to be sizing him up, which made him slightly uncomfortable. "Does it still make you mad?" she asked.

He raised his eyebrows. He'd forgotten how direct she could be sometimes. "What?" he asked.

Maddie gave him a ghost of a smile. "Mom. She still makes you mad, doesn't she?" When he didn't respond right away, she shrugged. "It's okay. She still makes me mad sometimes too."

Deacon breathed out and rubbed his hands over his face. "Yeah, I guess," he said. Then he realized they were both still standing in the middle of the living room. "Hey, why don't you sit down? Do you want something to drink?"

Maddie smiled a real smile. "Do you have root beer?" she asked.

Deacon smiled back at her. "You know I do," he said, as he turned and went to the kitchen. That was something that Rayna had always made sure was stocked on the tour bus, especially when the girls went on tour with her. He and Maddie always shared a love of root beer. Realizing that made him wonder if that was something she'd inherited from him, but he decided that it probably was just coincidence. He got two root beers out of the fridge and brought them back.

Maddie was sitting on the couch and he put one down in front of her. "Thanks," she said, with a smile.

Deacon felt awkward and he suspected Maddie did too. She sipped her drink, as did he. Then he cleared his throat. "Uh, Maddie, I wish I'd had more of a chance to be part of your life," he said. As soon as he said it, he felt like he hadn't said the right thing at all. But he didn't really know how to start being her dad.

Maddie looked at him curiously. "But you were," she said. "I remember hanging out with you the whole time I was growing up. You never talked to me like I was a kid. And you let me play with your guitars. And I realize now that probably freaked you out." She smiled. "But you were always there, Deacon."

Deacon worked his lip. He felt like he had a vise around his chest. "Well, I would like to have been more of a dad," he said.

Maddie shrugged. "You can now. Plus now that I'm older you won't have to punish me or tell me no." She smiled slyly.

Deacon smiled back. "So you're telling me you never get in trouble or do the wrong thing?"

Maddie laughed. "Well…." Then she looked serious. "I guess snooping in Mom's closet was kind of a wrong thing."

Deacon took a deep breath. "I guess snooping isn't the right thing to do, but if you hadn't we wouldn't know I'm your father."

Maddie nodded, looking thoughtful. "I always wondered why I was so interested in playing the guitar. Because Mom is not very good at it and Dad is not musical at all. So I guess I got it from you."

Deacon smiled at her. "Maybe. You always did like to play. And you're very good."

Maddie blushed. "For someone my age."

Deacon shook his head. "For anyone. I meant what I said when I told you that you were better than a lot of the session musicians I know." He smiled. "It makes me proud of you."

Maddie beamed at him. "Thanks. But I know I still can learn a lot." She nodded towards her guitar. "So you'll give me lessons?"

"Absolutely."

That love for music turned out to be the glue that bound them together and was the path they took to navigate their new relationship.

* * *

"Deacon, how do you write songs? I've been writing in my journal, but now I want to try to write a song, and I don't really know how." Maddie knew that Deacon was working on a few new songs as he hoped to get signed to a record deal. She'd tried playing around with song lyrics but had felt discouraged.

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "Well, the basic format is verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus. It doesn't have to be that way, but that's what I would recommend to start. Especially when you're first starting out."

"Do you start with the words or the music?"

"I usually start with the words. But sometimes a melody will come in my head and I'll play it out and then write it down. Sometimes I can come up with the words at the same time, but usually not. But I'll always find something that the music will work with at some point."

Maddie looked at him curiously. "Do you always write by yourself?"

"I do a lot. But I'll write with other songwriters. Those are usually songs for other people though." He smiled. "What I sing, I write myself."

Maddie nodded and smiled. "You used to write with Mom."

Deacon tried not to react to that. He and Dr. Harris had talked about the fact that, regardless of how he felt personally about Rayna, he needed to remember she was Maddie's mother and he needed to be respectful. "Yes, that's right," he said, his voice a little tight. "A long time ago, though."

Maddie nodded. "What are you working on now?"

"A song called 'Believing'. But I'm having some trouble with one of the verses. I've got one line, but I can't figure out what comes next. Nothing I've tried really seems to work." He looked at her and smiled. "And that will happen sometimes too. When I'm writing with someone else, that person might come up with the rest of the verse. But when you write by yourself, sometimes you just have to wait it out."

"Will you play what you have so far?"

Deacon smiled. "Sure." Maddie scooted up on the couch so she could watch Deacon's fingers on the guitar strings. She listened as he played, following along with the words he'd written down in his notebook. When he was done, he looked at her, waiting for her thoughts.

"That was really nice," she said, rolling it around in her head. He watched her as she processed it, occasionally looking back at the words he'd written. She was a natural at this, he could tell. Her guitar work was flawless, even though she felt like she wasn't good enough yet. Her singing voice was like listening to an angel. She had a light, airy tone to her voice, not like Rayna's voice. Rayna had a strong singing voice, built for arenas and big venues. He suspected Maddie would be one of those artists who sang in places like the Bluebird and other smaller, cozier venues.

She tilted her head and looked up at him. "It makes me think about when everything seems lost, there's someone there to pick you up, put you back together again." She gave him a little smile. "You know when I found out that you were my dad, it really made me feel like I'd lost control. I didn't know where I belonged. But you really helped put me back together again."

Deacon felt like he'd been hit by a lightning bolt. "That's it!" he said. "That's what I was looking for. 'When I'm broken, you put me back together again.' I think that's it." He grinned at Maddie. "See? You can do this."

Maddie wrote down the words in Deacon's notebook. "My fears are safe here, held in your hands. When I'm broken, you put me back together again," she read. She looked up at him. "That's exactly how I felt."

He took a deep breath. He'd never felt so proud of someone in his life. He sometimes couldn't believe she was his daughter, but listening to her turn of a phrase made him realize that they were kindred spirits and his heart nearly burst from it. "Maddie, that's amazing," he said softly. "Would you let me use it?"

Maddie looked incredulous. "Really?" she asked. When Deacon nodded, she beamed. "Oh my God! This is awesome!"

Deacon's heart turned over as he watched the joy on her face. He knew right then that he would do anything to make sure that she had that look on her face as often as possible. He felt like they had truly connected, on a much deeper level than they had before, that day. They had found what tied them together and he began to feel more like a father.

* * *

Maddie and Deacon were having a root beer in the kitchen, before her lesson, when someone started knocking angrily on the front door. Deacon raised his eyebrows at Maddie. "Wonder what that's about?" he said, getting up and walking to the door.

When he opened it, Teddy came storming through, looking furious. "Maddie!" he called out angrily. He headed for the kitchen, Deacon on his heels. He scowled at Maddie. "Let's go," he said tersely. "Daphne's waiting in the car."

Maddie frowned in return. "Dad…." she said.

"What's going on here?" Deacon asked, a scowl on his face.

"Maddie, go out and get in the car," Teddy said, pointing at the door. He turned to look at Deacon. "She's grounded. Did she not tell you that?"

"No, she didn't," Deacon said as he watched Maddie gather up her things and head for the door. "Is that true?" he asked her, but she just walked out without a word. He looked at Teddy. "I wasn't in the loop on that."

Teddy looked at him. "Maybe you and Rayna need to figure out how to communicate better so that you _are_ in the loop," he said, and walked out, slamming the door shut behind him.

Deacon stood looking at the door, fuming, not sure who to be mad at. He went and picked up his phone and called Rayna.

"Hey," she said, as she answered.

"So how come I didn't know Maddie was grounded?" he asked, angrily.

"What?"

"Maddie was here and Teddy came storming over here and made her leave. Told me she was grounded."

"Oh, yeah. She is. She was disrespectful and he grounded her. Wait, was today a guitar lesson? And how did she get there?"

"I assumed Teddy brought her, but I guess that wasn't the case. And yes, it was a guitar lesson." Deacon scowled. "So if she's grounded, I can't see her? That's not right, Rayna."

"No, it's not. I agree. I also agree with no guitar lessons though."

"Why didn't you tell me this?"

Rayna was silent for a moment. "Maybe because you won't talk to me, Deacon," she responded, her voice brittle. "Since you don't want me bringing her over or picking her up, I don't have an opportunity to share those things with you. And you know Teddy won't."

"You could still let me know."

"Yes, you're right, I suppose I could. But calling you still seems to be a problem, so what do you want me to do?"

Deacon worked his lip. He was beginning to realize that they were going to have to interact some, even if they were still miles apart in being able to interact normally. If he was going to make this father thing work, he was going to have to rely on her. "I guess we'll go back to you bringing her over," he said tersely.

"Fine," Rayna said. "I'll let Teddy and Maddie know we're going back to the original schedule. But, there's no guitar lessons for a month. You need to honor that."

"I will," he said. After a moment, he went on, "Thanks, Rayna."

"I'm glad we worked it out. I'll bring Maddie over next week."

"Okay." He paused. "Bye, Rayna."

"Bye, Deacon." He could have sworn there was a quiver in her voice as he hung up.

* * *

Maddie understood. She still got mad too. So she understood why it was hard on Deacon. She wasn't mad all the time though, but that was probably because she was around her mom so much and she really was trying. In the beginning, Maddie had hated her a little and she thought that's probably how Deacon still felt. It had all been so confusing, especially in the beginning. She felt like nothing in her life made sense. She felt like a fake. But now that she was getting to know Deacon as her father, a lot of things made more sense. Like where her talent came from. And her moodiness. And her sensitivity. Because she saw them in her father. Her real father. Finally the pieces of the puzzle were coming together and she felt happier than she'd been in a while. She just wished Deacon felt that way too.

They were sitting on the porch one afternoon because it was finally getting warmer. Rayna would be coming by to pick up Maddie in less than an hour, so it made sense to sit and wait outside. Maddie had been thinking a lot about her mom and Deacon and wondering more about their lives together. She also had seen how sad her mom was now and she wondered if there was anything she could say that would help.

"Would you tell me about meeting my mom?" she asked Deacon.

Deacon took a deep breath. He and Maddie had not really talked about Rayna at all. He was a little surprised she'd brought her up, but he was reminded of what Dr. Harris had said to him about the fact that he couldn't put his issues with Rayna on Maddie. That he needed to figure out a way to manage his anger so that his daughter didn't feel like she was in the middle. "Well, I met her at the Bluebird," he said finally. "She was doing an open mic and Watty wanted me to meet her. Actually he wanted me to play guitar for her."

Maddie smiled. "Because she wasn't any good?"

Deacon smiled back. "No, she wasn't. She tried and she really wanted to be good, but she just wasn't."

"So what did you think of her, other than that she wasn't a good guitar player?"

Deacon sat back a little and thought back to that day. He could still see Rayna up on the stage with her short jean skirt, showing off her incredibly long legs. She had on a little sleeveless top that she'd tied at her waist. Her hair was short then, and curled around her face. And she had on those red boots that always turned him on. He breathed in, thinking that this was a different Rayna. Not the one that lied to him, and he concentrated on that. "I thought she was pretty," he said. "And she had a beautiful voice. And her smile lit up her face. She was so excited to be up there on stage, you could tell."

Maddie smiled. "Did you fall in love with her right away?"

Deacon rubbed his hands over his face. "I guess," he said quietly.

Maddie bit her lip. She could tell she'd gone too far. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice small. They both sat there, not saying anything for several minutes. "This is all my fault," she said.

Deacon turned to face her and frowned. "No, Maddie, it's not. Don't ever think that. It's…." He stopped, thinking that this was his opportunity to be the bigger man, to put aside his own hurt and help his daughter. He reached out and put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. "It's not your fault. It happened and now we just have to deal with it and figure out how to move forward. You know, I'm glad I found out I'm your father. I'm proud of you and proud you're my daughter."

"Really?" Maddie beamed.

He smiled at her. "Really."

"Thanks…Dad."

Deacon caught his breath. "Wow. You know, I can't say I ever expected to be called that." He smiled. "But I like it."

Maddie leaned her head on his shoulder. "Me too."

* * *

Maddie was excited as she walked up to Deacon's door. He was taking her to the Bluebird while he recorded some songs for his album. When he'd told her that he had signed a recording contract as a solo artist, she'd felt ridiculously proud of him. As they'd spent more time together and worked together on their music, she had felt herself growing closer to him. He was different than her other dad. Maybe it was because they'd found out about each other when she was older, but he was less strict, less dad-like.

Things had been a little awkward in the beginning. Even though she'd known him all her life – and had loved him – this was different. Good, but different. It had felt like they had to relearn everything. But now things were more comfortable. And so was she.

Things were still not good between Deacon and her mom. Deacon still got tense and irritable when her mom was around. Maddie felt bad for her mom, because it was clear she wanted to make things right, but Deacon wasn't ready.

When Deacon opened the door, he smiled. "You ready?" he asked. Maddie nodded. "Let's go!" As they headed to the Bluebird, he talked to her about what he would be doing that night. "I've got three songs that I'm going to do. Avery Barkley, I don't know if you know him, he's producing for me. I decided we're going to call it 'Live at the Bluebird', so everything is being recorded live, not recorded and then produced later."

Maddie smiled. "That's exciting," she said. "One day I'd like to play at the Bluebird."

He smiled back. "I bet you will one day. But you're a little young right now."

She sighed. "That's all I ever hear. 'You're too young.' When will I be old enough?"

Deacon laughed. "That's a good question. I don't know. I guess you'll wake up one day and be old enough. How's that?"

Maddie smirked. "Not a good answer, Deacon." But she let it go. She was in a good mood and was looking forward to seeing him play.

Deacon hoped Maddie couldn't tell how nervous he was about today. He was continually amazed at how smart and insightful she was. It often made him feel like he was a complete open book, as good as she was at reading him. It had been a big decision to try for a solo career. Most solo artists his age were past their peak, so for him to just be getting started really stacked the odds against him.

The original plan, all those months ago now, had been for him to go back to Rayna's band and that night at the CMA's was supposed to be his big return. But that, of course, was over. Juliette had offered to let him come back to her band, but he'd never felt really comfortable with that before and declined. He knew he could continue writing songs – he had a long-standing publishing deal that had been very successful for him – and he could be a session musician, or do any number of other things, but he loved playing in front of an audience and decided to take the chance.

He'd talked to a number of labels in town, but most weren't interested in him, at least as a solo artist. He finally was able to sign a deal with Belcourt Records, an imprint label for Big Machine, for a lot less money than he remembered solo artists getting in the past, but at least with some freedom to do what he wanted. So he decided to do the recorded live album, after Avery had suggested it. It would be an EP, with fewer songs, and he was releasing it on vinyl, as well as digital downloads.

"Did you decide what songs you're doing?" Maddie asked.

Deacon smiled at her. "I did. Today I'm gonna do 'You're the Kind of Trouble', 'Like New', and that song you helped me with."

Maddie's eyes grew wide and she beamed. "Really? 'Believing'? That's awesome!"

"It's a great song."

"What else is going on it?"

"Three other songs – 'Keep Coming Back', 'Playin' Tricks', and 'Back Home'. I actually laid down those tracks last week."

"Are they all new songs?"

Deacon shook his head. "No. A couple are songs I wrote a long time ago."

Maddie sat back in her seat and looked pensive. "Are they songs you wrote when you were with Mom?"

"Not really," he said quietly. It was true, mostly. He had actually started writing "Back Home" when he and Rayna were still together, but hadn't finished it until much later. And "Keep Coming Back" was about her, but he told himself now it was just a song.

They rode the rest of the way in silence. But after the recording session was over, Maddie was energized again and she chattered about everything and nothing as Deacon drove her to Teddy's. It had turned into a really good evening and he had enjoyed sharing this part of his life with his daughter.

* * *

Deacon drove to Maddie's school to pick her up. Rayna was taking Daphne to a friend's birthday party, so he had agreed to do it. He got to the school early and waited. He knew Harpeth Hall was one of the more exclusive private schools in Nashville and it was all girls. That pleased him, knowing she didn't have to deal with all the boy issues at her age.

He remembered that Rayna had gone to school here and hated it. She'd told him she didn't think it was normal to just be with girls, especially since they could be so cruel. He hoped Maddie didn't have to deal with that.

As the students started to exit, he watched carefully. When he saw her, he put his hand out the window to signal her. He could see her smile and then hurry over. She got in the truck and put on her seat belt. Then she turned to him and smiled. "Hey," she said. "Thanks for picking me up."

"Happy to." He turned out of the school driveway and started heading for Rayna's house so Maddie could pick up her guitar.

Deacon noticed Maddie was a little fidgety. She finally folded her hands in her lap and then she looked over at Deacon. "I wrote a song," she said. "And I want to play it for you today."

Deacon grinned. "I'm looking forward to it." He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it lightly. "It's a big day."

He was blown away when he heard her song. She'd had to start over a couple times in her nervousness, but once she got going, he'd watched her carefully. He loved to watch her fingers fly over the guitar strings, picking out the surprisingly upbeat melody. The words she'd chosen were so grown up and he felt his heart catch a time or two with the wisdom she showed in the turn of a phrase or the picture she painted with her words. He was deeply impressed with her skill at the tender age of fourteen. She'd been a good student. He couldn't help but feel that somehow, some way, she'd gotten this from him. He was proud of her, in a way he thought maybe he didn't have the right to be, but he was anyway.

When she finished the song, she looked up with a tentative smile. "What did you think?" she asked.

He shook his head in amazement. "Maddie, that was amazing," he said. "I've heard professional songwriters that couldn't write a song as well as you just did."

Maddie smiled and blushed. "Thanks, Dad," she said. "That means a lot, coming from you."

"What's the name of the song?"

"It's called 'I Can't Sleep Tonight'. 'Cause sometimes I can't, with everything that's happened."

He thought about the words she wrote. _Yeah, I know that / When it's good, it's good / When it works, it works / And when it don't, it hurts._ He hated thinking that everything that had happened to them had hurt her. He knew the anger and hurt and betrayal he had felt, and he'd wallowed in it and hung on to it and felt righteous in it. But he'd lost sight of the fact that his daughter, his and Rayna's daughter, was hurting too. As he looked at her now, excited about her song and feeling good about what she'd done, he knew he needed to start moving past the hurt so that he could help her more.

* * *

Deacon was anxiously waiting for Maddie to arrive. He had big news, as well as a gift, for her, and he couldn't wait. At her knock, he raced for the door.

"Hey!" he said with a smile.

Maddie gave him a curious look. "Hey," she said as she walked in and he shut the door behind her. "Something's going on, I can tell."

"It's kind of an exciting day for me," he said. "First…" He lifted something from the bookcase and showed her his album.

Maddie's eyes widened and she clapped her hands with glee. "Oh, your album! Dad, that's awesome!" She beamed with pride.

Deacon held it out to her, with a smile of his own. "This one's for you," he said.

Maddie grinned. "Will you autograph it?" she asked.

"Of course," he said. He found a pen and when he finished he held it up. _To Maddie, You make me smile, Love, Deacon._

Maddie took it and looked at the inscription. Then she held it to her chest. "Thank you. This is so amazing and I'm so glad I was in the audience for part of it."

Deacon pulled her into a hug. "Me too. That was the best part. My best girl was there."

Maddie stepped back, smiling shyly. "Really?"

Deacon made a face. "Of course." He worked his lip, his eyes feeling moist. "I love you, Maddie. To have you be part of something important like this means everything to me."

Maddie smiled. "Thanks. And I love you too. You're a great dad, you know." Her smile turned playful. "So what's second?" she asked.

Deacon looked briefly confused, then remembered the rest of his news. "I'm going out on tour," he said.

"Really? Your own tour?"

"Well, no. I'm going to be opening for Luke Wheeler."

Maddie looked unimpressed, scrunching her nose. "I don't really like his music. Mom had to do some kind of Edgehill show and he was there. Why are you going out with him?"

"It's one of the biggest tours out there right now. It's an arena tour, so it'll be in front of a lot of people."

"That's so awesome, Dad! I know you'll be great! I bet you'll end up replacing old Luke Wheeler before long."

Deacon laughed. "I don't know about that. I am excited though. But it means we won't see each other as much. Just when we have breaks."

Maddie shrugged. "I guess Daphne and I will be staying with our other dad more then. You know Mom and Juliette are back out on tour."

Deacon nodded. Juliette had asked him again to join her and he had again turned her down. "I heard. I guess that's good for her."

Maddie looked wistful. "I wish the two of you could tour together. It would make everything so much easier."

Deacon took a deep breath. "Well, I don't think that's gonna happen. She and Juliette have a good thing going. And I think it's better for me to kind of blaze my own trail now." He couldn't imagine him and Rayna ever going out together again, but he wouldn't say that to Maddie.

* * *

When Maddie asked him if Rayna and Daphne could come in this time when they came to pick her up, Deacon hesitated for a moment. Things were a little better between him and Rayna. She still didn't come in the house – he didn't invite her in and she didn't ask – but their conversations about Maddie lasted a little longer these days. He didn't feel the white hot rage he'd felt in the beginning and he even felt less of the hurt these days. "Yeah," he said finally. "Sure, if you want them to."

Maddie had given him one of those big smiles that he treasured. The one that told him he'd said or done something that brought her great joy. He lived for those smiles. "Great! I thought we could play a song for them, so they can see how much better my playing is," she said.

He'd winked at her. "You were already amazing, Maddie. But I'm always happy to be your back up."

Maddie laughed at that and it gave Deacon a warm feeling inside. When Rayna and Daphne arrived, Rayna had looked surprised when Deacon asked them to come in. She smiled hesitantly and nodded shyly at the invitation. "Maddie wants to do a song for the two of you," he said, by way of explanation.

Rayna smiled again. "I can't wait to hear it," she said.

He and Maddie sat across from the couch, where Rayna was sitting. Daphne sat next to Maddie. He looked at Maddie. "What do you want to play?"

She looked back at him. "Let's do 'Believing'." She looked over at Rayna. "It's on his new album."

Rayna smiled and nodded. "Great," she said, encouragingly. "I can't wait to hear it."

He was surprised that Maddie hadn't wanted to do the song she'd written, but he nodded, and they started to play. As they worked their way through the song, Daphne chimed in, impromptu, with harmony vocals. At one point, Deacon looked at Rayna and saw a sense of awe on her face. He wasn't sure she'd really realized how talented her girls were and he thought that she was probably particularly surprised at Maddie's skill. She looked at him and he could see that there were tears in her eyes. He nodded at her and then shook his head as if to say "look who we made".

As they sang, he found himself listening to his lyrics in a different way. When he'd written the song, he hadn't considered that it was about Rayna in any way. He'd still been angry at her and wanted to keep pushing her out of his life. But he realized that the words were so much about who she had been to him back in his darkest days, when he couldn't stop drinking, even for her, and yet she'd been there to support him. _All that I once was / All I could be / When I've forgotten / Baby, you remind me._ He didn't think she'd recognize that in the lyrics – although she knew he'd written songs about her before, before all this had happened – but the realization kind of washed over him in what felt like a catharsis. He realized he was finally getting to a place where he could separate all that had happened before from what had happened in the past year, and that maybe he really was at a place where they could start to put the pieces back together. He wasn't sure what that would mean, just yet, but he felt like the dark cloud was lifting.

* * *

Deacon felt a little nervous. Maddie was going to be spending the weekend with him. Rayna was out on tour, so the girls were staying with Teddy. But Maddie had asked about staying with him. Luke's tour was on a three week hiatus, so it would work for him. Rayna had agreed, but it had taken Teddy some time to get on board with it. He and Maddie had fought about her desire to spend more time with Deacon and Rayna had had to get involved. As much as he was looking forward to spending more time with his daughter, it still got under his skin that he owed it to Rayna.

Scarlett had helped him get a room ready for Maddie. Deacon hoped this was the first of many times that Maddie would stay with him and he wanted to make the room feel special for her.

"Do you think she'll want to decorate it herself?" Deacon asked his niece.

Scarlett smiled. "I think she would love that. She's a teenager and I'm sure she'd like to create her own space. Why don't you take her out this weekend and let her pick out some things. It's not like you couldn't toss out that old crap that's in there."

Deacon frowned. "Hey, now, that's good stuff in there. It's been there for…."

"Twenty years?" Scarlett interrupted, with a laugh. "Deacon, I'm pretty sure that's the stuff you and Rayna moved in with."

Deacon frowned more. "Nothing wrong with that stuff," he mumbled.

Scarlett giggled and flipped her hair. "Take her to Rustique. Lots of cute, cute stuff. She would love it."

"What kind of place is that?"

Scarlett rolled her eyes. "Nice stuff. Shabby chic stuff. Things girls like. Just take her. It's over on Fatherland. Will you just do it?"

Deacon frowned, yet again. "Yes, I will do it. Are you satisfied now?"

Scarlett grinned at him. "Yes, I am."

He did as Scarlett recommended and Maddie did pick out a few things for her room, to make it suit her more. Deacon felt like he couldn't stop grinning the whole time they were shopping and then as he helped her arrange things in her room. He was enjoying this father stuff, a lot more than he had expected. But Maddie made it pretty easy, at least in his mind. It had now been nine months since that night of the CMA's, when his world had turned upside down. A lot had changed and much had come into sharper focus. Life was certainly better now than it had been.

Deacon had ordered pizza for movie night and Maddie had ordered up one of the "Nightmare on Elm Street" movies. He remembered Rayna telling him she hated when it was Maddie's night to pick a movie, because she always picked scary movies. And he remembered how much Rayna hated scary movies. It had made him smile a little to think about that, which had surprised him.

When the movie was over, Maddie wanted to talk. "So tell me how the tour is going," she said. "Is it like you remember?"

Deacon grinned. "Well, it's a lot different than just being somebody's guitar player. If it doesn't go well, it's on me. But it's good. People seem to like me and that's a good thing."

"How's riding on a bus?"

"I actually like riding on a bus. It gives you a lot of time to hang out with your band and get comfortable with each other. I like the feel of the road underneath me while I sleep."

Maddie looked down for a moment and then back at him. "What was it like when you were touring with my mom?"

Deacon took a deep breath and raised his eyebrows. "Well, you went out with us for a lot of years. You know what it was like."

She shook her head. "No, I mean, before that. When it was just the two of you. When you were together."

Deacon was quiet for a moment. "It was great, Maddie," he said finally. "Back in those days, we lived and breathed the music, and that was just part of it. We rode that bus nearly every week for a lot of years, going from place to place, until your mama hit it big. We'd write songs and try out new stuff. When she started opening for George Strait, she added some band members and we'd practice on the bus."

Maddie fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "Did you ever think about asking her to marry you?"

Deacon worked his lip. She was opening up old wounds, unintentionally, and he wanted to be careful how he answered her. "You ask hard questions, Maddie," he said, stalling for time.

She looked up at him, with a thoughtful look on her face. "I just want to understand. This is still hard sometimes, getting used to having another dad. I just want to understand why it all happened like it did."

_So do I_, he thought. He cleared his throat. "Well, Maddie, the truth is, I did think about asking her to marry me. A lot of times."

"Then why didn't you? Why did you let her marry somebody else?"

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "I didn't actually let her. But I, well, it's kind of complicated." He didn't know quite what to say and he didn't know if she'd talked to Rayna about this. "What did your mama say?"

Maddie rolled her eyes. "She just said it was all too grown-up for me. And she looked kind of sad. But it affects me, so I think I have a right to know _something_."

Deacon looked away. He wasn't sure exactly how to respond to her. It _was_ pretty grown-up stuff and he didn't know how much to share with her. "Maddie, I had a lot of problems back when your mama and I were together," he started.

Maddie gave him a look. "I know you're an alcoholic. I read it on the internet."

Deacon looked surprised. "You did?"

"Yeah, I did. There's stuff out there. Not a lot, but there is stuff, so I've read stuff and seen pictures. I know y'all were in love and then all of a sudden she married my other dad." She sighed. "So why didn't you marry her?"

Deacon rubbed his face. "I probably wasn't in the best place to be a husband, Maddie. Or a father, back then. I loved your mama a lot, but I think she just needed someone who could be there for her. All the time." He swallowed hard. "And I just couldn't do that then." And at that moment, he suddenly started to realize some of what Rayna had probably gone through back then and why she might have felt she had to make some of the decisions that she had. He thought that maybe there was more that he just hadn't wanted to listen to.

Just then, Scarlett came in and broke the mood. In many ways, Deacon was grateful that she had, because he wasn't ready yet to explore that wound, especially with Maddie. That was something he and Rayna needed to talk about. Finally.

* * *

Deacon smiled when he saw Maddie's name and face pop up on his phone. He was in Denver, an hour away from sound check. "Hey, Maddie," he said, with a smile.

"Hey, Dad," she said. "Where are you?"

"Denver. The Mile High City."

"Good luck tonight."

"Thanks."

"So, I signed up for an open mic," she said.

"What? Where?" He was a little concerned about that, and surprised that Rayna would let her do that. They had talked a little about Maddie's desire to perform and he agreed with Rayna that she was too young.

Maddie laughed. "Calm down, it's a kids' open mic. At Two Old Hippies. It's in two weeks on a Sunday afternoon. I know that you have that weekend off and so does Mom, so I was hoping you would come. Dad and Daphne are going to be gone on a school trip, so they won't be there. Will you come?"

Deacon smiled. "I wouldn't miss it. I can't wait to see my girl up on stage."


	7. Chapter 7

"Thanks for letting me do this alone," Deacon said, when he went for his first solo session with Dr. Harris.

"Not a problem. Are you comfortable starting by telling me about your relationship with Rayna?"

Deacon scowled. "I don't have a relationship with her. Not anymore."

"But you did. For many years. I'd like to understand your perspective about that."

Deacon looked puzzled. "Why? What does that have to do with my spending time with Maddie?"

Dr. Harris peered at him over the top of his glasses. "It doesn't, exactly. But your feelings about her, or lack thereof, do color the overall relationship the two of you must develop in order to be Maddie's parents. And I think it would help you to explore some of that history and how it got you to where we are today."

Deacon didn't like it. He didn't want to talk about Rayna. Everything he thought he knew about her seemed to be all messed up. "Alright," he said finally.

Dr. Harris waited a moment, but when Deacon didn't say anything else, he started again. "Talk to me about your early relationship with Rayna."

Deacon felt the anger rise up and he took a deep breath, trying to push it down. "I met her when she was first starting out. She needed a guitar player and Watty White hooked her up with me."

"How did that go?"

"It went good. We started working together. First I was just her guitar player, but later on we started writing together."

"So it was just a business relationship."

Deacon shook his head. "Not exactly. I mean, it wasn't like we were together right away, but it didn't take long. Plus her father kicked her out not long after I met her and she needed a place to stay."

"Was it a good relationship?"

Deacon breathed in sharply. "Back then, yeah. We were both pretty much on our own and we were working towards a common goal. It bonded us, I guess." He stopped and thought back to those days. She was pretty much an open book then. When had that changed?

"Did you always drink during the relationship?"

Deacon frowned. "Yeah, I guess. But it wasn't like it was a problem right away."

"What caused it to be a problem?"

This was what Deacon had worked on all those times in rehab. It was what the counselors always wanted to talk about. This question, at least, was easy. "A lot of things. First, my father was a drunk. A mean drunk. That's what I grew up with. I tried not to follow in his footsteps, but it happened. And then, this business is tough. It was a way to cope with some of that. My problem was that I couldn't control it. It got out of hand too easy."

Dr. Harris nodded and made a note. Then he looked back at Deacon. "Did any of it have to do with the fact that Rayna was the one that got the accolades and the stardom?"

Deacon scowled. "No. I always supported Rayna. I was happy for her. I didn't need to be the star, not like she needed to be."

"So it didn't bother you to be out of the spotlight? You never wanted that for yourself?"

Deacon was ready to deny it, but then he stopped to think. He remembered when he cut his album. He had thought then that he wanted his own career, but it hadn't happened. It had hurt at the time, but he'd gotten past it. They had been a duo when they first started out, equal billing. But Rayna was the one with the star power. She was the one that the labels wanted, Rayna as a solo artist. He was glad to support Rayna and be part of her success. "Maybe," he said finally. "I guess there was a time when I did want that. But when Rayna started getting the attention, I didn't want it as much. Or maybe it was just that I didn't _need_ it as much." He stopped to think. "If I had had my own career, I don't know if Rayna and I would have made it. I think I wanted _her_ more than I wanted all the fame."

"Did you ever resent her for that?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so. When I recorded my record, she was right there with me, being supportive. When it didn't sell, she was just as disappointed as I was." He frowned at Dr. Harris. "We were a team. We supported each other."

Dr. Harris looked at him and nodded. "How many times were you in rehab?"

"Five."

"And how supportive was Rayna during that time?"

Deacon looked away and worked his lip. "At first, very supportive. But after a while, it seemed like all we did was fight about it. She was always angry, seemed like. I think she wanted to help and she wanted to be encouraging, but I know I made it hard." He looked sharply at Dr. Harris. "She didn't give up on me until long after she should have. Back then, I believed in her and she believed in me. I just didn't make it easy."

* * *

"Tell me about your relationship with Teddy Conrad."

Deacon frowned. "I don't have a relationship with Teddy Conrad," he said, his voice sharp.

Dr. Harris looked over his glasses. Deacon hated when he did that. "You've never interacted with him at all? Talked to him, had contact with him?"

Deacon huffed. "Sure, I've been around him. But not often. We don't really have anything to say to each other."

"What about now, with Maddie?"

"I haven't talked to Teddy about Maddie."

Dr. Harris looked at him intently. "I know what your reaction to Rayna has been, but what about Teddy? After all, he was involved with the decisions about Maddie before she was born. And he's been her father all these years."

Deacon's eyes got dark. "I never liked Teddy. I was mad when Rayna married him. And he was always kind of a jackass whenever he was around me. Talking down to me, treating me like I was garbage. I think he always thought of me as a drunk, even though I was sober."

"How do you feel about the fact that he was involved in the decisions about Maddie?"

Deacon rubbed his face. "Well, now that I know, it doesn't surprise me that he would have suggested lying to me to Rayna."

"Do you feel that he should have some of the blame for what's happened?"

Deacon thought about that. "Maybe. I guess. But she didn't have to go along with it, so it's mostly on her."

"Have you seen him since this all came to light?"

"Not really. He drops off Maddie sometimes, but he never comes to the door. I think, based on some things Maddie has said, he doesn't like her spending time with me." He looked down at his hands. "I hate to say it, but Maddie is a really good kid. She's smart and she's got good manners and she's just a really good kid. They did a good job raising her. I have to feel at least a little grateful for that." He looked back up, his face tight. "That doesn't mean everything's okay. The fact that she's a good kid is a good thing, but that doesn't change the fact that I was lied to for the last thirteen years."

"I understand."

Deacon got up suddenly and walked over to the window, his hands in his pockets. "Teddy Conrad lied to me the same as Rayna did. I don't know what makes people think they can do that to someone else. I'm not a bad person. I was a drunk, but I got sober. And I've been sober for thirteen years. And they let me be around Maddie her whole life. Who does that? What kind of people can sleep at night and do that?"

* * *

Dr. Harris looked at Deacon. "Let's talk about your family, Deacon. You mentioned before that your father was an alcoholic and that it wasn't a good family situation. Why don't you tell me about that?"

Deacon frowned. "I guess he was always a drunk. I don't ever remember him not drinking. He was a mean drunk."

"What do you mean by 'mean drunk'?"

Deacon took a deep breath. "He hit us. He threw things. He broke stuff."

"What was it like growing up with that?"

"It was scary. You never knew what would set him off. Sometimes he'd drink so much that he'd pass out and that was good, because you knew you weren't going to get hit that day. But most times you could expect to be hit or he would yell and insult us. I would always try to stay out of his way, but it was hard."

"Tell me about your family."

Deacon looked at him warily. "What's that got to do with this?"

"I'd just like to understand your background."

Deacon sat back and rubbed his face. "My mom tried to protect me and my sister, but she couldn't. He beat her down so much that she was too afraid, most of the time. I feel like she was always just trying to save herself and she didn't have much left for Beverly and me."

"How did that make you feel?"

Deacon looked up, his eyebrows raised. His eyes got a hard look to them. "How do you think? I was a kid. I was scared. I never knew when my dad would get mad at some little thing I did and go off on me. Beat me, tell me I was worthless, tell me I was going to be just like him. I wanted my mom to help me, but she couldn't. I felt sorry for her, but a part of me hated her for not stopping him. I mean, we were just kids and she wouldn't even protect us." He felt tears pricking his eyes and swiped at them roughly.

"Is she still alive?"

Deacon shook his head. "She died a long time ago. Not too long after I left Natchez."

"What about your father?"

"He died about ten years ago. Drank himself to death, basically."

"When was the last time you saw him?"

"The day I left Mississippi. He'd beat up my mom, again, and I'd had enough. I couldn't save her so I decided to save myself. And my sister. Except she didn't really want to be saved either."

"Tell me about your sister."

"Beverly was a little over a year older than me. We were close growing up. We had to be. We just had each other. She was supposed to leave with me. We were going to come to Nashville and she was going to sing and I'd play guitar. But she had a boyfriend and she didn't want to leave him, so she didn't."

"Are you two still close?"

"Not really. She thinks I abandoned her. She got married and had a baby and then the marriage broke up. So she thinks that's my fault somehow. I always sent her money and I helped out with Scarlett – that's my niece – as much as I could, but Beverly had her own problems."

"What kind of problems?"

Deacon worked his lip. "I turned into a drunk, just like our daddy. She went crazy, just like our mama."

"Crazy how?"

"She's bi-polar. She's been in and out of mental hospitals. When it gets to be too much for her, she goes off her meds and ends up in the hospital." He looked up at Dr. Harris. "We both had our own ways of getting through things. That was hers. Mine was whiskey."

"But you were able to overcome it."

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. But not after I destroyed everything good I had in my life." He looked pensive. "Rayna was the best thing in my life. She was so much more than I ever thought I deserved, but she loved me. She really loved me. And I screwed that up. I pushed her and pushed her and pushed her and she finally gave up on me." He looked at Dr. Harris. "I may not have hit her like my daddy did my mama, but I hurt her in a hundred other ways."

"Did she know about your family history?"

He shook his head. "Not really. She only met Beverly and she knew Beverly was all messed up. I didn't really talk to her much about my parents. Just like she didn't talk a lot about hers. Except that we had to deal with Lamar." He made a face. "I didn't want her to know."

"Maybe it would have helped her to understand all of that."

Deacon shrugged. "Maybe. But that's all water under the bridge now."

"Is it?"

He nodded, suddenly feeling a lump in his throat. "Yeah," he said. "It is."

* * *

"How did you feel, knowing that you were an alcoholic like your father?" Dr. Harris asked.

Deacon breathed out and then frowned. "I lied to myself for a long time about that. Even after Rayna sent me to rehab the first time, I told myself I wasn't like my father. That I just had a drinking _problem_, that I wasn't a drunk."

"Why was that?"

Deacon looked up at Dr. Harris and scowled. "I didn't want to be him." He worked his lip. "It took me a long time to be able to say I was a drunk. I knew that once I said I was, I couldn't escape it. It would always be hanging over me. That he would be right, all those times he told me I was gonna be just like him."

"But you weren't. Just like him. You didn't hit Rayna."

Deacon shook his head. "No, I didn't. But I broke _things_. I smashed bottles and furniture. I hit _other_ people, got into fights. I didn't show up for rehearsals and shows. I broke her heart. In a million different ways. I might as well have hit her, for all the pain I caused her."

"Do you think your drinking played a part in why the two of you never got married?"

Deacon nodded. "Probably. We talked about getting married, probably more in the beginning than later on. But in the beginning we were building our careers and it was a hard life for someone who wanted to get married and have a family. I knew Rayna wanted kids. It was something she dreamed about. And I was scared about that."

"About being a father?"

"Yeah. I didn't want to be like my father and hurt my kids." He wiped away a tear. "I never wanted to be that kind of dad." He looked up at Dr. Harris. "I won't be that kind of dad to Maddie. I will _never_ hurt her like that." Suddenly he stopped and narrowed his eyes at Dr. Harris. "Is all of this your way of trying to get me to let Rayna off the hook for lying to me? Because it's not going to work."

Dr. Harris shook his head. "No, not at all. But now that you're building this new relationship with Maddie, you need to start to figure out how to move on from some of this anger. Because if you don't, it could spill into that relationship and you could damage what you've built so far. That's not what you want, is it?"

Deacon frowned. "No."

"In an ideal situation, you and Rayna would be able to move beyond this, figure out a way to put it aside, even if you don't 'let her off the hook', as you say. For Maddie's sake. That's what we're here for, right? To help you and Rayna be able to co-parent?

"Yeah," Deacon responded reluctantly. He hated dredging up all these old feelings. It was starting to make him feel like, at least when she found out she was pregnant, that she was justified in some of what she did. He just wasn't ready to concede that just yet.

* * *

"So, you've been spending time with Maddie?" Dr. Harris asked.

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. She comes over a couple times a week, every other week, for guitar lessons."

"Just guitar lessons?"

"No, we talk too. But we have music in common. And that helps."

"Helps with what?"

"The awkwardness, I guess. It gives us something to talk about that isn't, you know. About what happened."

Dr. Harris frowned a little bit. "Have you ever talked to Maddie about that?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah, a little, in the beginning. But it feels like we should just get on with getting to know each other."

Dr. Harris made a note. "Well, I can understand that. It's painful for both of you to think about, but I think it might help the two of you to be able to talk about the fact that you were hurt. Certainly for you to be able to offer comfort and support to Maddie."

"But how do I do that without bringing up Rayna?"

"Just tell her that you understand how confusing it is and let her know she can ask you anything she wants. I don't want you to badmouth Rayna, because that doesn't help. But you can support her as she works through all the change in her life. Just let her know you're there for her. And if she wants to talk, be as honest as you can without getting into a situation where you tear down her mother."

* * *

"We've talked before about your reluctance to marry Rayna. Did you ever actually ask her to marry you?"

Deacon shook his head, then stopped and shrugged. "If I did, I don't remember. I did buy her a ring. I carried it around with me for a long time, just too scared to ask her. I thought she'd tell me no. I mean, I knew she loved me, but I didn't make it easy on her, so I don't know what she would have done. I do remember one time being pretty sure I was gonna ask her, but that had more to do with her dating Teddy, I think. I couldn't think about her being with him without getting so mad. So I thought about asking her then." He stopped and worked his lip, breathing in and out slowly. "I don't know what happened," he whispered, "but I don't have that ring anymore. I guess I lost it, probably when I was drunk." He swallowed over a lump in his throat and swiped at his eyes. He was pissed at himself for getting emotional like this over her. He looked at Dr. Harris with a sad smile. "But she went on to marry Teddy, so I guess it wouldn't have mattered anyway."

* * *

"I know you were in Rayna's band for many years, after she had Maddie."

"Thirteen years," Deacon replied, his voice testy.

"Why do you think she invited you back in her band?"

Deacon thought about that. She had told him, at the time, that she needed him. That he was the best guitar player. That he made her a better artist. Now he wasn't sure. "She needed a guitar player," he said. "I didn't have a job at the time, so she hired me."

"What was it like working for her all those years?"

Deacon gave him an odd look. "It was a good gig, steady money. I got to do one of the things I do well, which is play guitar and sing. It was a good situation for me, in some ways."

"How do you mean?"

Deacon sighed. "I guess, because she had the girls, first Maddie, then Daphne too, she didn't run a year-round schedule. We'd tour mostly in the summer, then take time off, and then record an album in the winter. So I could do other things. Write songs, play around town. I got a gig playing every third Thursday at the Bluebird."

"Did you and Rayna write songs together then?"

"After I got sober? Yeah. We did. We didn't write any love songs, like we used to, but yeah, we wrote together. I think she liked writing with me and she was a good songwriting partner."

"What was your relationship like then with Rayna?"

Deacon frowned. "I worked for her. We were friends. She could bounce ideas off me."

"There were no romantic feelings?"

"She was married. Why would there have been?" Deacon's tone was curt.

"She had broken up with you. Married another man. Had a child. She'd moved on with her life and had told you you didn't have a place in it. Yet she hired you for her band. You didn't think anything about that? You didn't have any feelings about that?"

_Damn, this guy was pushy._ Deacon's face was fierce, his jaw rigid. "Yeah, I had feelings for her then. But I couldn't do anything about them."

"Did you ever think she had feelings for you?"

"Yeah, I know she did." He was getting annoyed with this direction.

"Is that why she hired you? And kept you on?"

He glared at Dr. Harris, daring him to take it further. Dr. Harris wrote a few notes, then looked back at Deacon. He looked, for a moment, like he wanted to push the issue, but, mercifully, he dropped it.

* * *

As Deacon drove home from the session, he thought about the inference Dr. Harris made that Rayna wanted him in her band for himself. He'd often thought that was the case, although she'd never made an overt move towards him. In the beginning, when she'd set the ground rules, she'd adhered to them strictly. She never allowed herself to be alone with him, never encouraged anything beyond a friendship. But as time went on, the lines were blurred. She started turning to him as a confidante and he wondered if she wanted more of him. Even while she was pregnant with Daphne, she seemed to need him to be close. It was confusing, but he had honored the boundaries.

They were best friends again. She'd always been his best friend, not just his girlfriend. They were family and they shared things they didn't share with anyone else. She'd started sharing again, everything except about Teddy. There had been a lot of times when they'd almost crossed the line. The only time they had was that night after she came to the Bluebird, when she'd sat in his truck and they'd kissed. When he'd let that embolden him the night they sang at a fundraiser for Teddy, everything had gone off the rails. She had fired him the next day and it had taken them a while to get past that.

She had implied that she'd kept him around for Maddie's sake, but he thought maybe it was more for her own. And that left him even more confused than ever.

* * *

"So now that you're spending more time with Maddie, how do you see things going with Rayna?"

Deacon sat back and rubbed his face with his hands. Then he looked at Dr. Harris. "I'm not sure."

"What are things like now?"

"She drops her off and picks her up, most times. She only comes to the door when she picks her up."

"Do the two of you talk?"

Deacon shook his head. "Not much. If she has something to tell me about Maddie, she will. But that's it."

"So the two of you haven't had a real conversation about Maddie? Anything about her?"

"No."

Dr. Harris put down his notebook. "Deacon, I'm going to be a little more directive here. You've known about Maddie for about seven months now. You've been spending time with her for quite a while. But for Maddie, this is like having two separate lives. I know you and Rayna aren't together, but you should talk about what's going on in your daughter's life. She's definitely talking to Teddy about that, you can be sure of that. But at this point, she should be talking to you also."

Deacon sighed. "I don't want her to get the wrong idea."

"What wrong idea would that be?"

"That I'm forgiving her. That she's off the hook."

"I don't think she's going to think that. I think you've been very clear about that. But you two need to figure out how to be parents together. I want you to think about that and how you might get to that point. For Maddie's sake."

Deacon didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure how to make that happen. He was starting to get to the point where he didn't want to be angry all the time, but he didn't want to mislead Rayna either. This being a parent stuff was tough, he decided.

* * *

"So, Deacon, do you think forgiveness is a possibility?"

Deacon frowned. "I don't know. I thought I knew her. She's always been good at covering up what's inside, for the public. I always thought that was because of me and my drinking, but I think it goes back further than that. I believe that we shared as much as we'd ever share with anyone, with each other. If you ask her, she'd say the same. But obviously, even with that, we had secrets. Both of us. But this was something I wouldn't have expected. It was calculating, it was deliberate, it was something she decided to do. And I've never seen that in her before. So maybe it's possible that I could forgive her someday, but I'm nowhere close to that now.

Dr. Harris put down his notebook. "Deacon, I want to give you a little something to think about. Forgiveness often gets associated with spiritual or religious actions, but it's much more than that. And many people feel like you do, that if they forgive the other person, it means that person's off the hook or that they've let that person believe what they did was okay. But that's just not true. People can ask for forgiveness and you can choose to give it or not. But understand that forgiveness is for _you_. In this case, it's for you and Maddie, not for Rayna. You aren't absolving her of what happened if you forgive her. You're moving past it. And you're not letting it have control over you anymore."

"But won't she think it means she's not accountable anymore?"

"No. You can forgive her without saying what she did was okay. It's for you. You're developing a good relationship with your daughter but we're almost nine months from when you found out and you can still barely speak to her mother. You're holding on to the pain and the anger and you need to let it go. It doesn't mean it's not valid pain, it means you're not going to let it define you or harm your relationship with your daughter."

"Don't hang on to the mad," Deacon murmured. Dr. Harris looked at him questioningly. "Something someone said to me. That I was holding on to the mad."

"That's a good way to put it. I know it feels strange right this moment but go home and think about it. If you remove the burden of your pain and anger, it could speed up the healing. You and Rayna do need to function together as parents. Forgiving her and moving past it can help."

* * *

Deacon and Coleman went to their usual diner after their meeting on Saturday. Coleman had noticed Deacon seemed distracted at the meeting and he seemed distracted now. "What's going on, Deacon?" he asked.

Deacon looked up. "What makes you think something's going on?"

"You're distracted. You've said very little today."

Deacon lifted his coffee cup and took a sip. When he put the cup back down, he tapped it with his fingertips. He looked out the window, then back at Cole. "Dr. Harris wants me to forgive Rayna."

Coleman raised his eyebrows. "And you don't want to." It was more a statement than a question.

"I always thought forgiving someone meant you let 'em get away with whatever it was. That they got a free pass. _He_ says forgiveness is for me."

Coleman nodded. "He's right. And maybe it is time for you to do that, put this all behind you and move on. As long as you can't get past it, you won't ever be able to figure out what's next. Trust me, it really takes a load off your mind."

"I don't know…."

"Look. I get how you're feeling. What Rayna did was wrong. I agree with you. I mean, I love Rayna like family, but she should have told you a long time ago. But you know now. And if you don't let it go, you'll never be free of it." He paused a moment. "So I think you should give it some serious thought."

Deacon looked at him and nodded.

* * *

Deacon sat down and looked at Dr. Harris. "So Maddie invited me to an open mic she's going to perform in."

"That's great. Something the two of you can share."

"Rayna's gonna be there."

Dr. Harris nodded. "Did you know that when Maddie asked you?"

"Yeah, I did. She told me that Teddy and Daphne were gonna be out of town, so it'll just be Rayna and me there."

"Do you think Maddie might have done that purposely?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. She's been asking a lot of questions about Rayna and me. About what things were like back when we were together."

"She needs to know where she comes from."

Deacon sat for a moment, working his lip. He finally looked back at Dr. Harris. "I guess we'll see if I can do this forgiveness thing. For Maddie's sake."


	8. Chapter 8

Rayna saw Maddie in the den and went to sit next to her. Tension had been high in the days and weeks after she'd found out about Deacon. Even now, her body stiffened when Rayna sat next to her and she moved slightly away. "Do you want to talk, hon?" Rayna asked carefully.

Maddie narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "No," she said.

Rayna sighed. "It might help. And I'll answer any questions you have. I know it's all so complicated," she said.

Maddie turned and frowned. "It's not that complicated. My mom's a liar, my dad's not my dad, and my real dad's an alcoholic." She smirked at the surprise on Rayna's face. "I found that on the internet. He was in rehab five times. Is that why you decided to lie to him?"

Rayna felt like she had a pit in the bottom of her stomach. "It's not that simple, Maddie," she said.

Maddie smirked again. "Oh, I get it. It's complicated," she said, using air quotes as she said 'complicated'.

Rayna frowned. "It _was_ complicated back then," she said. "Even for me. It wasn't a simple thing. I wanted to protect you and Deacon had a lot, well, a lot of things he had to deal with then."

Maddie shook her head. "And you didn't want anyone to know he was my father. Were you afraid he'd hurt me? Or lose me? Or not love me?" She narrowed her eyes. "Or was it just to protect yourself from people knowing you had an illegitimate child?"

Rayna gasped. "That's not true!" she said, her voice full of emotion. "You were wanted, Maddie." She steepled her hands over her mouth for a moment while she regained her composure. "And I never thought Deacon wouldn't love you," she went on. "He _did_ love you. He _does_ love you."

Maddie looked down. "Then why doesn't he want to see me now?" she asked, her voice small.

Rayna thought her heart would break. She scooched over and put her arms around Maddie and was grateful when her daughter put her head on her shoulder. "Oh, honey, it's hard for both of you right now. I think he just needs to adjust to the idea of being a father, just like you're having to adjust to him being your father." She hugged her daughter closer. "I know he wants to see you and he wants to spend time with you. But we need to give him a little time to adjust and then I know it will work out."

Maddie sighed. "It's okay. I'm still trying to figure it out too." She reached up and rubbed her eyes. "I wish this hadn't happened to me. I wish it had all been different and not so messed up."

Rayna felt tears rolling down her cheeks. _What have I done?_ She kissed the top of Maddie's head. "I know, sweet girl. And I am so, so sorry this is happening to you too." They sat together silently for a long time, Rayna gently rocking her daughter while she quietly cried on her mother's shoulder.

* * *

"Mom, I'm ready!" Maddie called out, annoyance in her voice.

Rayna rushed out of her bedroom. "I'm sorry," she said. She was putting earrings in as she walked over to where Maddie stood, guitar case in hand.

Maddie rolled her eyes. "You're not coming in, Mom," she said. "You didn't have to put on makeup."

Rayna frowned and picked up her purse. "I _always_ wear makeup, Maddie," she said. "Let's go, then."

Maddie said little on the way over to Deacon's. Rayna looked over at her several times, but resisted the urge to prattle on. When they arrived at the house, Maddie jumped out of the car quickly. Rayna got out also and Maddie frowned. "You don't have to walk me up, Mom. I'm not a baby."

"I know you're not, Maddie, but I'm doing it anyway. I need to see how long you're going to be here." She was a little nervous, truth be told. She was glad Maddie and Deacon were finally going to spend some time together, but she was nervous all the same. When she had told Maddie last night that Deacon wanted to see her, Maddie had said little. When Rayna had asked if she was okay with going, Maddie had said yes, but she hadn't wanted to talk about it and stayed focused on the movie they were watching. Now Maddie was practically running up the steps and Rayna had to hurry to stay caught up with her.

Maddie knocked on the door, Rayna standing behind her. When Deacon answered the door, a flash of annoyance crossed his face when he saw Rayna, but then he turned his attention to Maddie and smiled. "Hey, Maddie," he said. "Come on in." He stepped back and she quickly slid in the door. He looked at Rayna, his face neutral.

Rayna smiled a little. "Thanks for doing this, Deacon," she said.

He shrugged and gave her a look of annoyance. "Why wouldn't I, Rayna?" he said curtly.

Rayna resisted the urge to snap back at him. "What time should I pick her up?" she asked instead.

"Maybe about six. If that's okay with you?" He was standing with one hand on the door jamb and the other on the door itself, as though he were anxious to close it and make her go away.

Rayna felt a lump in her throat. "Um, that's fine. I'll come back then." And then he nodded and closed the door, leaving her standing on the porch. She swallowed hard, then turned and walked down the steps to her car. As she drove off, the tears rolled down her face, and she thought that they seemed further apart than ever, even as he was finally taking a step towards their daughter. She wondered if Dr. Harris was right and that he might never come around.

* * *

Rayna pulled up outside Deacon's house. Maddie paused for just a moment before she got out and looked at her mom. "I think you shouldn't come to the door when you pick me up," she said, her gaze unreadable.

Rayna scrunched up her face. "What?"

"I think it's awkward. For both of us. But especially for Deacon."

Rayna frowned. "Maddie, I'm not going to sit out here and honk the horn for you." Maddie folded her arms across her chest and turned to look out the window. "Sweetheart, I understand that it's awkward. You might be surprised to know it is for me too. But I'm not going to do that. You'll just have to suffer that indignity."

Maddie turned and scowled, her hand on the door handle. "Well, don't expect to be invited in," she said, opening the door. She got out and then retrieved her guitar from the back seat, slamming both doors.

Rayna watched sadly as Maddie stomped up the steps. She saw Deacon open the door and Maddie slip inside. Deacon stood at the open door for a second, then turned away and closed it. Rayna felt a lump grow in her throat. "I don't expect to be invited in," she said softly, to no one. She whisked away the tear that rolled down her cheek and drove off.

* * *

Maddie was sitting at the kitchen island, propping herself up with one elbow, a book open in front of her. She looked up when the door opened. Tandy smiled at her. "Hey, Maddie," she said.

Maddie sat up straight but didn't smile back. "Mom's not here. She's picking up Daphne at Sarah's house."

Tandy walked over and got up on the stool next to her niece. "I know. I thought I'd come over a little early and see you," she said. Maddie shrugged and then rolled her shoulders forward and looked down. Tandy frowned and put her hand on Maddie's shoulder, rubbing it gently. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Maddie sighed, then looked up at her aunt, her face screwed up. "Why does my life have to be all messed up like this?"

Tandy reached for Maddie's hand and looked at her with compassion. "I know it feels all messed up right now, but it will get better." She looked at her niece closely. "Your mom told me that you are spending time with Deacon though." Maddie nodded. "How is that going?"

Maddie gave her a smile. "Actually, pretty good. He's giving me guitar lessons and we get to just talk too."

Tandy smiled encouragingly, although she had such mixed feelings about all this. Now that Maddie knew the truth, it was inevitable that her relationship with Deacon would change and grow. Even though she knew Deacon had been sober for over thirteen years, she still worried, the same way she suspected Rayna still worried. And, while Maddie had grown up around Deacon, now she would be watching him with different eyes. Tandy admitted to herself that she had been one of the strongest enablers of Rayna lying to Deacon about Maddie. She wouldn't apologize for it, but now that it was out in the open, she felt a need to protect Maddie too, from any hurt from this fallout. "You know, don't you, that you don't have to do anything different. If you don't want to spend time with him, nobody's going to force you to."

Maddie looked puzzled. "But I do want to, Aunt Tandy. He's my dad. I think I should get to know him. And I like spending time with him." She smiled. "He's really cool."

Tandy squeezed her hand and then sat back. That was part of what worried her a little. She knew that Rayna and Teddy had raised the girls a certain way and that Rayna was reasonably strict with them. Considering that Rayna was so famous, Tandy had always been impressed that she kept the girls as grounded and normal as she had. So she worried that Deacon would undo that, especially in his new role as a parent, one he had no experience in. "Well, I'm glad it's going well," was all she said. Then the door opened and Daphne blew in the house, her usual whirlwind of energy, Rayna following behind.

After Rayna sent the girls off to do homework in their rooms before dinner, she and Tandy curled up on the couch. Tandy looked at her sister intently and reached over and patted her knee. "So how's Maddie doing?" she asked, concern on her face.

Rayna looked away and then back, her smile cryptic. "She's okay," she said. "Ups and downs. Some of that is teenage angst, but a lot of it is all this upheaval in her life." She closed her eyes for a moment and rubbed her forehead. "I never know what to expect from her. Some days she's the Maddie I remember, happy and loving. She asks questions, but not hard ones. Then other days, usually around the times that she sees Deacon, she's sulky and rude. She challenges me on everything."

Tandy frowned. "Have you talked to Dr. Harris about it?"

Rayna scrunched up her face. "A little. Mostly we've talked about me and my feelings and all the stuff that went on when Deacon and I were together."

"Maybe he can give you some insight."

"Maybe. But I think it's just that whenever she sees him it reminds her that I kept her away from him, that I didn't tell her about him. And she's still angry with me about that. I don't need a therapist to tell me that."

"Have you and Deacon talked about it at all?"

Rayna shook her head sadly. "Very little. He's still very angry with me too, so we don't talk much. Mostly just about when Maddie's coming over and when to pick her up. I'm hoping that changes soon, but I get that I hurt him. A lot."

Tandy frowned. "But you had good reasons, Rayna."

Rayna shook her head. "I don't think I had the right to make the decision for him," she said, her voice firm. "That's one thing I'm coming to realize. I think my instinct to protect Maddie was normal, but keeping the truth from him for all these years is something I'm having to come to terms with." She looked hard at her sister. "Not all the decisions we made back then were good ones, Tandy. Some of those choices were not ours to make."

* * *

After tucking Daphne in, Rayna walked down to Maddie's room. Maddie was sitting on her bed, reading, and Rayna walked over and sat on the edge of the bed beside her. "How are you doing, hon?" she asked.

Maddie looked up and shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

"Your dad said he grounded you this week. Do you want to talk about it?"

Maddie shook her head. "There's not really anything to talk about." She sighed. "It's just hard."

Rayna reached out and smoothed Maddie's hair back from her face. "What's hard?"

"I wish Dad would understand about me wanting to spend time with Deacon. He's just not being fair."

Rayna sighed. "I don't think he means to not be fair."

Maddie's eyes flashed with anger. "I think he does," she said. "He doesn't understand about my music. At all. All he wants me to do is study and then he took away my guitar."

"Well, Maddie, school _is_ important. And it does come first, before guitar lessons." She gave Maddie an understanding smile. "But he told me that you yelled at him and then threatened to go live with Deacon. Did you do that?"

Maddie scowled. "He hates Deacon. And he tries to keep me from seeing him. He told me that I couldn't go over there at all and I don't think that's right."

"How did you get to Deacon's?" Maddie looked at her guiltily. "Yes, I know you went over there. Deacon called me. How did you get there?"

"I took a cab."

Rayna sighed. "Sweetheart, you'll still get to go spend time with Deacon, but you can't go off by yourself like that. And it's not fair to Deacon to put him in that kind of position." Maddie sat, fuming. "You know your dad loves you. He's just trying to do the right thing by you, but you're not making it easy. I know you feel like this is hard for you, but it's hard for him too."

Maddie pouted. "He's not the one who found out he has a different father," she said.

"I know that. But he's the one that feels like he's losing his daughter." She looked closely at Maddie, who looked away. "Maddie, he loves you. He's loved you your whole life. And now you're starting this whole new relationship with Deacon and he's afraid he's going to lose you." She reached for her daughter's hand. "I know you're excited about spending more time with Deacon, but think about how your dad feels. He just wants to know that you still love him too."

Maddie looked up at her mom. "I do love him, Mom. He just needs to understand that I need time to get to know Deacon as my dad."

"I think he understands that, but it's hard for him. Just be patient with him, okay?"

Maddie shrugged. "I guess."

Rayna moved to sit next to her daughter and put her arm around her. "We're all learning our way here. Your dad too. Just remember that, okay?" Maddie nodded and then snuggled into Rayna's side.

* * *

Rayna and Daphne started up the walkway to Deacon's. Daphne sighed dramatically. "I hope they invite us in this time," she said, wistfully, as she did every time they picked up Maddie. "I don't _ever_ see Deacon anymore."

Rayna looked at her younger daughter. "That's not true," she said. "You see him every time we come."

Daphne looked up at her and rolled her eyes. "We never go inside, so I never get to talk to him," she complained.

Rayna wanted to say she felt the same way, but she decided to say nothing. So it was surprising when Deacon came to the door and then stepped back. "Why don't y'all come in?" he said. "Maddie wants to play a song for you."

"Yes!" Daphne crowed and hurried in, Deacon smiling as he watched her.

Rayna looked at Deacon hopefully and he gave her a small smile. "Thanks," she said softly. "We'd love to hear her." She walked in. Maddie was sitting in a chair with her guitar. Daphne was already kneeling at her feet. Deacon went over and sat in the chair next to Maddie, pulling up his own guitar.

Rayna sat across from them on the couch and felt her breath catch as she gazed at the three of them together. _This should be my family._

"What do you want to play, Maddie?" Deacon asked.

"'Believing'," she said. She looked at Rayna. "It's on his album." Rayna smiled and nodded.

As Maddie and Deacon played the opening notes of the song, Rayna sat and listened to her daughter's beautiful voice and how perfectly Deacon's voice harmonized with hers. The blend of their voices together nearly broke her heart, when she thought about what they'd missed together. Daphne added her own perfect sweet harmonies and it made Rayna want to cry. She watched Maddie's fingers fly over the guitar strings. The words touched her heart. _When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling / On those darker days when my faith has lost all meaning / You keep me believing._ She looked over at Deacon at one point and he nodded slightly and gave her a look that said "she's amazing". And she was.

When they were done, Rayna sat still, stunned a little by the beauty of it. Then she realized they were looking at her. She smiled. "That was so beautiful," she said. Maddie beamed at the praise. "Thank you for sharing that."

While Maddie put away her guitar and gathered up her things, Daphne chatted up Deacon. Rayna watched the three of them and she felt tears prick her eyes. _I messed this up so bad._

Then the girls rushed out to the car, leaving Rayna standing at the door. She turned to Deacon. "Thank you for that," she said and she smiled. "Maddie is really enjoying the time with you."

Deacon smiled back. "I am too. She's a really quick study." He hesitated a moment. "I was actually surprised she didn't want to do the song she wrote."

Rayna looked surprised. "She wrote a song?"

Deacon nodded. "She did. And it's really good." He shook his head with a smile on his face. "She has a lot of talent, Rayna. And she wants to perform. Like you."

Rayna's eyes got wide. "Well, she's not old enough for that," she said, then looked at him. "Don't you agree?"

Deacon nodded. "I do. She should be at least sixteen." And he winked.

Rayna frowned. "I want her to finish school. So I need you to support me on that."

"I will. No worry." He smiled again. "But she really is good."

Rayna had to smile. "Yeah, she is. And the two of you together was perfect." She immediately felt a catch in her heart, thinking of how much time had been wasted. Would she ever not feel guilty about this? "Well, the girls are waiting, so…."

"Yeah. Well, thanks again. I'll see her next Tuesday?"

Rayna nodded. She started to walk out, then turned back. "Thanks, Deacon. You're really doing a good job with this."

Deacon took a deep breath, his hand on the door frame. "Bye, Rayna," he said, his voice quiet.

She smiled at him and said, "Bye." She lifted her hand in a wave and then turned and walked down to her car.

As she drove home, the girls chattered to each other, which allowed her to think about what had just happened. Deacon had invited her in – Daphne, too, of course, but he didn't have to – and they'd actually had a conversation that didn't feel angry. They'd talked about Maddie without accusations or hurt feelings. And they'd been able to talk about Maddie's future, just like parents would. It had felt good and it had felt a little like progress.

* * *

Rayna was so ready for this tour to be over. Back when she and Juliette had started the Red Lips, White Lies tour, she had counted down the dates until the tour was over. She and Juliette Barnes were like oil and water, although she had developed a somewhat grudging respect for her over time. Just after Juliette's mother had been involved in a murder-suicide, Maddie had found out that Deacon was her father and in the aftermath of those events, the tour had been put on hold. When they finally resumed, several months later, not only did they have the fifteen remaining dates, but the new head of the label, Jeff Fordham, had demanded another forty shows. They were the top grossing tour for the label and he wanted to strike while the iron was hot.

It was a horrible time to be out on the road. Maddie was still running hot and cold, although now that she was spending time with Deacon, she seemed to be leveling out. It felt like it was more teenage angst these days than anger at her situation. Teddy was still making life difficult, trying to control Maddie's time and requiring Rayna to make time to smooth things out. And then things were still chilly with Deacon. They had very little time to try to bridge the divide between them and Rayna was feeling a little desperate about that. It felt like the more time went by, the less opportunity there was for them to reconnect. The little moments they did have seemed hard fought and they never seemed to string them all together into a pattern that felt like they were truly moving forward.

She missed her girls. She was feeling really alone, even in the midst of all the people that surrounded Juliette and her on the tour. She hated the nights in the hotel rooms the most. That's when she missed Deacon most of all. He had been with her on the tour, in his unofficial capacity as her "companion". They had both hated it, but she'd wanted to be careful reintroducing him into her life and, especially to her girls, as her boyfriend, or whatever she was supposed to call him, now that she was forty. He would wait in her dressing room until she finished her set and then when the show was over, they would be whisked away in a limo to the hotel, where he would make love to her all night long.

Then just when she was ready to step out into the world on his arm, Maddie had discovered the paternity test and their world had blown up. When she considered it now, she had no idea what she had been thinking when she walked away from the weekend trip with Liam and drove herself to Deacon's. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve where she was concerned and she couldn't shake how he'd looked that night as he'd told her he couldn't get past her and then watched her walk away with Liam. But she had not once thought about the fact that she hadn't told him Maddie was his daughter, as she had driven to his house, instead of going to the airport. All she could think about was the fact that she loved him, had always loved him, and why the hell were they apart now when she and Teddy were getting divorced. So she had walked up his steps, knocked on his door, and told him she loved him. For a split second, she thought he was going to turn her away, but, of course, he did not.

It wasn't until the next day, in the cold light of reality, that she realized she was in a dangerous position. She had no idea how to navigate things and she had tried, not particularly hard, to push him away. But once he had her back, he wasn't giving up and she didn't really want him to, so she kept that little piece of dynamite tucked away as far back in her mind as she could put it. Until it exploded in the worst possible way.

They were in Dallas and Rayna was closing the show that night. She was sitting in her dressing room in her robe, halfway watching the monitor as Juliette silently was prancing on the stage. Her hair and makeup was done and in thirty minutes, her glam squad would be back to help her get dressed. She got up and started pacing the room. When her phone started to buzz, she pounced on it.

"Hey, Mom," came Maddie's voice.

"Hey, sweet girl," Rayna said as she curled up on the couch. "What's going on?"

"Not much." She was quiet for a moment. "I miss you."

Rayna's eyes teared up a little. She treasured these moments these days, when she got them. "I miss you too, sweetheart. And Daphne too. Are y'all being good for your dad?"

Maddie sighed. "Yeah. But he still doesn't understand about my music."

Rayna smiled sadly. He never had. "I know, baby. But I do."

"And Deacon does."

Rayna bit her lip. "Yeah, Deacon does too."

"Can I spend the weekend with him?"

"With Deacon?"

"Yeah. You know, I've never stayed with him."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Yes. He said if you and Dad were okay with it, he was okay with it."

Rayna thought for a moment. "He isn't out on tour?" He had gone out on his own and was opening for Luke Wheeler, newly signed at Edgehill. She had hoped, when Jeff had signed Luke to great fanfare, that he would lighten up on the Red Lips, White Lies tour, but that had not been the case.

"He's on a break."

"Have you talked to your dad?"

Maddie sighed. "No. I was hoping you would."

Rayna smiled. "Well, let me do that. I'll let you know."

"Thanks, Mom. I love you."

"I love you too, sweet girl."

She waited until the next day to set things up for Maddie. Teddy had fought with her about letting Maddie stay with Deacon, as she expected. She was beginning to wonder if he'd ever get over his extreme jealousy of Deacon and be able to feel secure in the knowledge that Maddie did love him. Eventually she got Teddy to agree and then she called Deacon.

"Hey, Rayna," he answered.

She wasn't sure, but she thought the edge to his voice wasn't there. "Hey. So, Maddie called me last night and asked me about spending the weekend with you."

"Yeah, I told her she needed your permission. And Teddy's."

"Well, I'm fine with it. And I got Teddy to agree."

He laughed softly. "I'm sure that wasn't easy."

Rayna smiled on her end, but didn't respond to that. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Of course I do, Rayna. She's my daughter." The edge was back.

"I'm sorry. I just meant, are you ready for it? She's a teenager, after all, and it's a whole weekend."

"Oh, okay." The edge softened. "Yeah, I'm ready."

"Good." She paused for a moment. "Congratulations on your album and the tour. That has to feel good."

"Thanks. It does." He paused. "So, is Teddy going to drop her off?"

Rayna felt a lump in her throat. "Yeah," she said finally. "Have a good weekend."

"We will. And thanks, Rayna."

"You're welcome." And then he was gone.

* * *

Rayna was sitting on the couch in the den, reading emails, when Maddie walked in and sat down next to her. Rayna looked up and smiled. "Hey, sweet girl," she said.

Maddie smiled back. "Hey."

Rayna put her phone down and looked at her daughter. "How are things going? How was the weekend with Deacon?"

"It was good. Thanks for letting me do that."

"I'm glad it went well. How is everything else with him?"

"It's good. He's really helping me a lot with my guitar and with my songs."

Rayna reached out and grabbed Maddie's hand. "You're very lucky, you know, to have him as a teacher. He's the best guitar player in Nashville."

Maddie's smile got bigger. "I really want to be the best I can be and he's really patient with me." She gave her mom a curious look. "What was it like when you were pregnant with me? How did you feel about having a baby?"

Rayna first looked surprised and then smiled. "Well, it was exciting. I'd always wanted a family and I really was excited about being a mama. The first baby is always really special, so it was really exciting for me. But it was also scary, because I didn't know how to be a mama and I didn't really have anyone to learn from. 'Cause, you know, my mama died when I was younger than you. So I worried that I wouldn't do the right things."

Maddie rolled that over in her head. "Did you ever think about Deacon when you were pregnant?"

_Every single day._ Rayna's smile was sad. "I did. I thought about him a lot. It was a confusing time. We had talked about having a family before, so I was sad about that." She didn't want to tell Maddie how she'd cried every day, how every time she looked at herself in the mirror or looked down at her growing belly, she felt an anguish like she'd never known. She wasn't going to tell her that as she was pushing her out, she'd cried because Deacon wasn't the one standing there, holding her hand. "But you know that your dad was there and he was so happy that day. He loved you so much."

"Did you wish you'd told him? Deacon, I mean."

Rayna took a deep breath. She'd decided that she wasn't going to lie to Maddie about Deacon, that she'd done enough damage. She nodded. "Sometimes I did. But, you know, things were really tough for him back then and I was really afraid that he wouldn't be able to be a good husband and father. That he would want to, but he wouldn't be able to, and I couldn't do that to you."

"Do you wish things had been different?"

Rayna looked away. Tears had started to form in her eyes. When she looked back at Maddie, she reached for her hand. "I don't ever want to not tell you the truth again, Maddie. I'm so sorry that I did and I'm so sorry for the pain it's caused you." She breathed in slowly and then let it out. "Deacon asked me once, not so long ago, if I'd change anything. At first I told him nothing, then I told him I'd change everything. I know I keep saying this, but it's true. It's very complicated. I didn't know that he'd get better. If I had known that, then maybe I _would_ have made different decisions then. But I also have to think about the fact that if I had made different decisions then, we wouldn't have had Daphne. And I love her just like I love you." She gave Maddie a sad smile. "But do I wish that Deacon had been stronger then? Yes, I do. Because it was all I wanted back then, to have a family with him. We'd talked about it a lot and it was important. But those were hard choices to make. I wish you'd been able to know him as your father, regardless of how that had worked out."

Maddie moved over and snuggled up to Rayna. Rayna put her arms around her and held her tight. "I am glad Deacon's my dad," Maddie said. "And I'm glad I'm getting to know him better."

Rayna ran her hand over Maddie's hair. "Me too, baby. Me too."

* * *

"Mom, you'll be home in two weeks, right?" Maddie asked. Rayna was Skyping with her daughters in her dressing room in Boston, but Daphne had run off, so it was just Maddie now.

"I'll be home in three days," Rayna responded.

Maddie rolled her eyes. "Well, I know that. I mean, you'll be here two weeks from now."

Rayna looked confused. "Yes, I will. The tour is over in two days."

Maddie smiled shyly. "I signed up for an open mic and I want you to be there. It's in two weeks."

Rayna's eyes widened. "Maddie, you're too young…."

"Chill out, Mom," Maddie said, rolling her eyes again. "It's an open mic for kids."

"Oh. Okay then, I guess."

"It's at Two Old Hippies. On a Sunday afternoon." She bit her lip. "I invited Deacon."

Rayna felt a flutter in her heart. Things had steadily improved with Deacon and they were talking more, still mostly about Maddie, but it felt like things were getting better for the two of them and she was hopeful. "Well, sweetheart, you know he's out on the road, so he may not be able to be there."

"He's coming," she said firmly. "He'll be on a break then, so he can come. I already asked him and he said yes."

Now the butterflies were going crazy. She bit her lip and then smiled. "That's great, Maddie. I'm glad he'll be there. And I'm looking forward to seeing you."

Maddie smiled broadly. "Dad and Daphne won't be able to come, but that's okay. Maybe they can come next time."

Rayna didn't know what to say. She couldn't believe that she and Deacon would actually be there together for their daughter's debut at an open mic. Well, maybe they wouldn't be together. They might not even sit together. But they would both be there and that felt really good. She collected herself and smiled. "I can't wait. So, I need to go get ready now, so I will see you in three days," she said.

"Bye, Mom," Maddie said and turned off the feed.

Rayna sat, looking at the blank screen, thinking that maybe this was the beginning of better times for her and Deacon. And Maddie as well.


	9. Chapter 9

_**This chapter is pretty long, but then Rayna had a whole lot more to deal with in this situation than Deacon did. There is quite a lot of angst, but stay with me – it will start to change soon!**_

Rayna sat on the couch in Dr. Harris's office. She was nervous about how this was going to go. Things had gone so poorly in the joint session she and Deacon had attempted. Now she had nothing to hide behind, there was no one she could justify her actions to. She could refuse to answer, sure, but she had woken up that morning feeling like she needed to dig deep. She had compartmentalized her life for so long and maybe it was time to stop, even though it made her afraid.

"So, Rayna, I know we talked before about what happened when you found out you were pregnant with Maddie, but let's go back to before that. I want to go into the whole timeline and we may as well start with the beginning. So why don't you tell me about your life with Deacon?"

Rayna frowned. "You mean, when we were together?" Dr. Harris nodded. "Well, we met when I was sixteen and he was nineteen, at an open mic night. Watty White, who was my mentor, introduced me to Deacon and I probably fell in love with him inside ten minutes."

"You were pretty young then. Was he your first boyfriend?"

Rayna scrunched up her face. "Sort of. I mean, I'd had dates before, but there was something different about Deacon. I'd never had a serious relationship, if that's what you mean, until Deacon. We just connected. It felt like fate, like we were meant to be together. I felt pretty alone back in those days. I didn't have lots of friends, my mom had died when I was twelve, and I had a bad relationship with my father. He didn't want me to pursue a music career and we fought about that. He was so against it that he kicked me out when I was sixteen years old. Deacon took me in and he was my family, for a very long time."

"You've said that you always tried to keep your private life private. What did you mean by that? Did you hide your relationship with Deacon?"

"No, it wasn't that. I just wanted people to focus on my music and not what was going on in my personal life. Deacon and I agreed right from the start that we weren't going to talk about our relationship with reporters or be real obvious in public. Our life together was _our_ business, not anyone else's."

"And that was also true during the times he went to rehab and had problems with his sobriety?"

"Yes, it was."

"Did he always have a drinking problem?"

She shook her head. "Not always. I mean, he always liked to drink but it was several years before it got to a point where he had trouble controlling it."

"So how did you deal with it?"

Rayna ran her tongue over her lips. "Well, like I said, I've always been careful with my private life. People knew Deacon and I were together, but we didn't talk about our lives. That was just for us. So when the drinking got bad, I just protected him, I guess. I didn't talk about it. I didn't acknowledge it in public. I covered for him when he missed a rehearsal or a show."

"How did that make you feel?"

Rayna thought about that for a moment. "It hurt," she said, finally. "And made me mad, I guess. I hated that it was happening and I hated having to deal with it. And it was exhausting." She looked at Dr. Harris. "Living with an alcoholic is exhausting. Never knowing what's happening. The blackouts. Having to bail him out of jail or take him to the ER. Dragging him out of bars and hotels when it hard to tell if he was dead or alive." She stopped and took a deep breath. "I couldn't let people see that. What it was doing to him. What it was doing to me. I was just so tired."

"When did it really start to be a problem?"

"I guess around the time that I got my first opener gig. That's when he started going out to bars with my bass player and would end up so drunk sometimes that he'd miss rehearsal or miss a show or whiff a song or something. He'd be passed out in bars and hotels and I'd have to go find him sometimes. That's when I put him in rehab the first time."

"And how many times did he go to rehab?"

Rayna sighed and felt tears rise up in her eyes, which she brushed away. "Five times," she said softly. "The last time was before Maddie was born. I wanted to make sure he stayed alive. For her sake."

Dr. Harris raised his eyebrows. "And yet, you didn't tell him he was a father."

Rayna shook her head sadly. "No, I didn't. I just didn't want to have to tell my baby someday that he was dead from drinking."

"So what was going on between the two of you when you got pregnant?"

She took a deep breath. "When it became obvious that he couldn't stay sober, I broke up with him. I started seeing Teddy not long after that. But he invited me to the cabin – he had bought the cabin on the lake when he got out of rehab the first time – and I went. He had seemed like he was doing really well. I wasn't around him as much then, so that's why I didn't realize he really wasn't in good shape at all. But I went and, well, he asked me to marry him." She brushed away the tears that were streaking down her cheeks. "He seemed fine that night and so I said yes. I mean, I loved him, that hadn't changed. It was what I wanted, to marry him. And I stayed overnight. But the next morning, he was drunk and he didn't even remember asking me to marry him. I was so pissed. I felt like a fool. So I left." She put her face in her hands.

Dr. Harris watched her for a moment. Finally he said, "And then you found out you were pregnant?"

She nodded. "I wanted to tell him, I really did. I went to tell him, but he wasn't at his house. I found him at the cabin, but he was drinking. And he was tearing up everything. And I was scared. I had lived with that for so many years and it was so hard. I was so tired. I just couldn't do that to a baby. But I didn't know what to do." She stopped for a moment and took a few deep breaths. "Tandy convinced me to tell Teddy, because he was a good man and she thought he'd help me figure out what to do. I was really surprised when he offered to marry me and raise the baby as his."

"Why did you decide to take him up on his offer?"

"Because he would take care of us and be a good father to my baby."

Dr. Harris shook his head. "Why did you really decide to take him up on his offer?"

Rayna frowned. "I just told you."

"I think there's more to it. I need you to really go deep, Rayna. That's the purpose of these sessions. So what were you afraid of? Why didn't you want to tell Deacon?"

"I wasn't afraid of anything." Rayna's eyes flashed with annoyance.

"Why did you decide not to tell Deacon you were pregnant? Even if you married Teddy?" He took off his glasses and looked hard at her. "Why did you really not want to tell Deacon? How did you really feel about Deacon then?"

Rayna breathed in and out, trying to control her emotions. "Deacon was a drunk," she finally said, her voice low. "I couldn't live like that anymore. I was embarrassed." She wrapped her arms around her waist. "I didn't want to be with him anymore and I was afraid."

"What were you afraid of?"

She pulled her legs up to her chest and laid her forehead on her knees. Dr. Harris had to strain to hear her. "I was afraid he'd never get better and I'd never be rid of him, if he knew," she whispered. Then she burst into tears.

* * *

Rayna went back and forth over the next week wondering if she should cancel her session with Dr. Harris. She was horrified by what she'd said at the end, about being glad to be rid of Deacon. That had sounded so cold, so harsh, so hateful. She didn't know where that had come from. She didn't know if she wanted to keep doing this. Everything had been so nicely tucked away for so very long.

She didn't wait for Dr. Harris to start before saying, "I didn't really mean for what I said to sound so…damning. That sounded like I didn't love Deacon or support him and I did. I loved him so much. I was just so exhausted and it was good not to feel that way for a change." Tears were streaking down her face.

"Rayna, there's no judgment here. The whole purpose of this is for you to have a safe place to talk and explore all of this. You and Deacon have a child together, a child you never told him about. It's obvious that you were very careful about your personal life and I think that's part of what happened here. But if you ever want Deacon to trust you again, you have to be honest with yourself. Even if it's messy or it sounds awful."

Rayna wiped away her tears. "It _was_ a relief in some ways, but it still hurt so bad. It was all I'd ever wanted, to have a family with Deacon. I cried about it for a year I wanted it so bad."

"So why didn't you tell him when he got back from rehab?"

"Well, I was married. Teddy was Maddie's father. We'd already decided that."

"Did you ever talk about when you would tell Deacon and Maddie? You and Teddy?"

Rayna shook her head. "Teddy didn't want me to tell him. The whole point was that he was Maddie's father."

"But you had to know that one day this would come up. Maybe not in the way it did, but some other way."

Rayna shrugged. "I didn't think about it. Maybe that was wrong, but all I was focused on was Maddie."

"When it became apparent that Deacon was going to stay sober, why didn't that change your mind about telling him?"

Rayna looked flustered. "I don't know. I guess because of Teddy."

"But, Rayna, _you_ could have made that decision. She was _your_ daughter, not Teddy's, at least not biologically. Did you not think Deacon had a right to know?"

Rayna's eyes filled with tears. "I never really thought about it that way, I guess. It just got comfortable. And Deacon never knew we'd been together then. He had awful blackouts and he didn't remember any of that. It was just…easier, I guess."

"Were you happy with Teddy?"

"I was content. Yes, I suppose I was happy. Teddy was a good man, a good provider, a good father. He was stable. He wasn't a drunk. I never had to worry about that." She took a deep breath. "It was a long time before I stopped worrying about Deacon. At least every day. That would have been tough with a child, I think. And then, I got pregnant with Daphne. That changed a lot of things."

"Like what?"

"Well, it meant that Teddy and I were more committed to each other. And to our family. I had that connection to him now. We'd created a child together."

"But you also had the child you and Deacon had created together." Rayna looked away. "Would you have told Deacon about Maddie if Teddy hadn't wanted you not to?"

Rayna's eyes looked haunted. "I don't know," she whispered.

"Why not?"

Rayna felt tears coming again and she screwed up her face and looked away. She put her hand over her mouth. "He's an alcoholic. And you just never know. I just couldn't put Maddie through that."

"Was it just because of Maddie?"

"Of course! Why else?"

"Was it because _you_ didn't want to deal with an alcoholic anymore? You already said that was why you didn't tell him in the beginning. So even though he appeared to have found a way to stay sober, did you still not want to deal with that? Or did you just not trust him?"

Rayna gasped. "No," she whispered. "No, that can't be it. I _did_ trust him."

"And yet you let him think he was just 'Uncle' Deacon. You let him get close to your daughter and let him develop a relationship with her. What did you think would happen when he found out?"

"I don't know." She was quiet for a minute. "I don't think I ever thought it would happen," she said, her chest tight.

"Were you ever going to tell him?"

Tears ran down Rayna's face. She struggled to speak. Finally she said, "I don't know. I just don't know."

* * *

"How are things going with Maddie?"

Rayna sighed. "She's still very closed off. Unless, of course, she's telling me just how angry she still is."

"Have she and Deacon connected at all?"

"No. I went by Deacon's to try to get that moving, but he was more interested in being mad at me than in connecting with his own daughter." Rayna frowned. "I told him he should reach out to her, but he hasn't done it."

"Maybe you should wait for Maddie to raise the idea. I think we all believe that the two of them need to explore that relationship, but she's old enough to know what she wants. I'd wait a little longer before you feel the need to force it."

"What if it's that Deacon doesn't want to be a father?"

"Didn't you tell me the two of you had talked in the past about a family? And doesn't he have a pretty solid relationship with both your girls?"

Rayna shrugged. "I guess. But maybe he's changed his mind."

Dr. Harris looked at her for a moment. "Rayna, I think that it's just going to take a little time for both of them to adjust to this new relationship. Be patient and just be there for your daughter. Answer any questions she has. Just be supportive."

Rayna looked at him and nodded.

* * *

"Rayna, tell me why you invited Deacon back into your band after Maddie was born."

"Well, there were two reasons, really. One was that he was the best guitar player in town. Always had been. He made me good and I needed him in my band." She took a deep breath. "And because of Maddie. I did want him to have a relationship with her even though he, uh, didn't know he was her father." Her voice trailed off as she realized how ugly that sounded.

"So for all those years, he was just a guitar player."

Rayna fidgeted in her seat. "Well, no, not exactly. I mean, he was my friend. I cared about Deacon." She sat up a little straighter. "And truly we had a better relationship as friends, once he understood the boundaries."

"What were the boundaries?"

"That we weren't a couple. That there would be no intimacy, like there had been before."

Dr. Harris made some notes. Then he looked carefully at Rayna for a minute. When he spoke, he almost seemed as though he were hesitant to bring it up. "So you and Deacon didn't have an affair during that time?"

Rayna looked shocked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed with a frown. "I would never have done that to Teddy."

"Not even an emotional affair?"

Rayna looked away. Teddy had accused her of that. More than once. "No," she said flatly. But she wondered. She had wondered that last time Teddy had said it, the night he showed up when Deacon was over for dinner.

"So he wasn't in your band for you?"

Rayna's eyes flashed with anger. "That's just crazy," she said. "I was a mama. I would never have been that irresponsible."

"But you told me when we first met that you told Deacon that you had always loved him. That you had never not loved him," Dr. Harris said, quietly.

Rayna felt exposed and she looked down. "I, um, I did say that."

"So why did you have him in your band? Really."

Rayna clenched her jaw. "For Maddie."

"Rayna…."

Rayna threw her hands up. "Okay! I admit it. I was selfish. _I_ wanted him to be there. I was bored in my marriage and I missed him." She stopped and started to cry. "I missed him," she sobbed. "I needed him in my life and I wanted my baby to be close to her father and that was the best I could do." She put her hands over her face. "I was wrong," she wept. "It wasn't fair to him. I was wrong."

* * *

"Talk to me about Teddy."

Rayna frowned. "What about him?"

"Start with when you met, started to date."

Rayna looked down and played with the edge of her skirt. "Well, after I moved out of the house, Tandy introduced me to Teddy. They'd taken a couple of classes together in graduate school. I wasn't really ready to start going out again, but Tandy insisted."

"Why didn't you tell her no?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I felt like I needed to do something different."

"What did you think of him?"

"He was nice looking. Had a good job. He was smart." She looked up. "And he wasn't an alcoholic."

"Did you like him right away?"

Rayna laughed softly. "Teddy's a very likeable guy. Or at least he was then. These days he's become someone I don't even recognize. But back then he was nice. He was polite, he treated me nicely. He didn't get drunk."

"Did you date regularly?"

She frowned slightly. "I'm not sure what that means. We went out for dinner or something on weekends and maybe once during the week, if I wasn't busy."

"Did Teddy know about Deacon?"

"He knew about the relationship. I told him a little bit, that he was an alcoholic and that it made the relationship difficult."

"Did you tell him how hard it had been? What you were dealing with?"

Rayna made a face. "Just a little. Tandy told him most of it. Even though I asked her not to."

"How did that make you feel?"

Rayna scowled. "Mad. But he wanted to be the white knight, and she knew that, so she told him a lot more than I would have. So I think he saw himself as my protector."

"When did you start getting intimate with him?"

Rayna blushed. "Not right away. It felt kind of awkward in the beginning."

"Because of Deacon?"

Rayna took a deep breath. "Maybe."

Dr. Harris looked at her carefully and made a note. "Were you still intimate with Deacon then?"

Rayna's eyes teared up. "Some." She looked at Dr. Harris. "I still loved him. Even though he was destroying me. Sometimes I just, well, I couldn't say no." She knew she didn't owe him any explanation, but somehow she felt it was important to give some kind of explanation. It usually only happened when Deacon was drunk and came by her apartment. Exactly when she shouldn't have, but she did.

"At some point, did you?"

Rayna bit her lip and looked off. Then she lowered her head and shook it. "Not really, no."

"So you were having sex with both men at the same time?"

Rayna nodded. "I know that sounds awful. I did try to put Deacon off when I started, um, with Teddy. But, you know, I loved him."

"Did you think of Teddy as someone you'd want to marry?"

Rayna sighed. "I didn't really think about that at all. He was just, you know, not Deacon." She looked up. "It was nice to not have to deal with hangovers and fights and having to drag him out of a bar. It was pleasant. But no, I didn't think about Teddy that way. Not then."

"So you were still seeing Deacon, at least on occasion?" Rayna nodded. "Did he know you were dating Teddy?"

"Yeah. I told him. Because I wanted him to know I was moving on, or trying to. He got mad at first, but then he tried to, you know, get better and stay sober. To try and win me back, I guess."

"Is that when he took you to the cabin? And proposed?"

Rayna gave him a sad smile. "Yeah." She started to cry and reached for a tissue. "It was all I ever wanted. He seemed really good that night, so I thought…well, I thought he was okay."

"Then what happened?"

She lifted her hand to her mouth as tears streamed down her face. "That was the night I got pregnant with Maddie," she whispered.

* * *

"Let's go back to Teddy. You said that you didn't really think about marrying him. Did that change at any point before you found out you were pregnant?"

Rayna shook her head. "No, not really. He was just a nice guy to go out with. I never really thought it would go anywhere." She ran her tongue over her lips. "I knew that he was in love with me. _He_ wanted it to be more. But he didn't really understand what I did or what my life was like, so I thought it would be a nice little, um, interlude to kind of get me past Deacon. Nothing really more than that."

"But then you got pregnant."

Rayna nodded. "Yeah."

"And what happened then?"

Rayna took a deep breath. "Well, my plan was to tell Deacon. And I don't know what I thought would happen then. That maybe it would be the thing that made him stop drinking. I don't know. But I did think he had a right to know. At first, anyway. But, as you know, he was drunk when I got there and I left without telling him."

"When did you tell Teddy?"

Rayna shrugged. "A couple weeks later. Tandy thought I should but she didn't want me to tell him the baby was Deacon's. So finally I did tell him. But I didn't lie to him. I told him the truth, that it was probably Deacon's. He wanted to believe it could be his, at first. But it wasn't. I knew that. He and I always used protection."

"Was he upset?"

Rayna nodded. "At first, yeah. I mean, he didn't know I'd still been with Deacon, so he was hurt. I understood that."

"When did he propose marriage?"

"A few days later. He came and said he would marry me and he would put his name on the birth certificate and raise the baby as his own. I told him no, but he insisted and Tandy thought it was the best thing to do. So that Deacon wouldn't know the baby was his." She started to cry.

"Was it your idea or Teddy's to get the paternity test?"

"It was mine, mostly. I needed to be sure. But Teddy did agree. I think he hoped the baby would be his. But, of course, that wasn't the case."

"Who knew about the baby?"

"In the beginning, it was just Teddy, Tandy, and me." Rayna made a face. "But then I found out Daddy knew too."

"How did your father find out?"

Rayna rolled her eyes. "I'm not exactly sure. I certainly never told him. But when he wanted Teddy to run for mayor last year, he threw that out when he was trying to get me to support that. He thought I hadn't told Teddy so he assumed he was 'keeping my secret' and that he had some kind of hold over me. I actually thought I was going to tear into him that day. If Tandy hadn't dragged me out of his house, I don't know what I would have done."

* * *

"We haven't really talked about your family. Tell me about them."

Rayna looked irritated. "It was just Daddy and Mom and Tandy and me. Then Mom died and it was the three of us. Until Daddy kicked me out. And that's the Wyatt's in a nutshell."

"How old were you when your mother died?"

"Twelve."

"What happened?"

Rayna swallowed hard. "She was killed in a car accident."

"Were the two of you close?"

She nodded, tears in her eyes. "Yeah, we were. She understood about how much I loved music. And she encouraged me."

"So your father didn't support that?"

Rayna rolled her eyes. "Well, he supported _music_, just not country music. Which was what I was interested in. I took piano lessons and he was very supportive of that, but then Mom gave me her guitar and I started singing country songs with her and he got angry about that."

"Do you know why?"

"I didn't at the time, but I found out pretty recently that my mom had an affair with a musician and that he knew about it. So I think that's why. It probably brought back bad memories."

"So your parents didn't have a good relationship."

Rayna shook her head. "For as long as I remember, they fought. Tandy says he loved her, but I never really saw that. They always seemed to be fighting. Daddy ruled the house and I could tell she was unhappy, but I was just a child, so I didn't really understand. I just knew that she liked to spend time alone in the garden and, when Daddy was gone on business, she was so much happier."

"That must have been hard for you and your sister."

"Well, Tandy was older, so I think she understood more than I did. And I think she always tried to protect me."

Dr. Harris made some notes, then looked back at Rayna. "You said that your father was not supportive of your interest in country music and that he kicked you out. Tell me about that."

Rayna took a deep breath. "I really wanted to sing. My dream was to be a country music star. I wanted to be on stage, singing my heart out to thousands of fans. My mom had given me her guitar and told me to use it to work out my feelings. So I used to do that. I'd write about what was going on and how I was feeling and I'd play songs in my room. I wasn't very good on the guitar, so Tandy helped me get signed up for lessons. But I never was really good at that part." She gave Dr. Harris a ghost of a smile. "Daddy always told me he wouldn't support me making that my career, but I didn't care. I really wanted to be on my own and I hated Belle Meade and all the society shit there."

"So what did you do?"

"I'd sneak out and go to places where I could listen to music, and sing a little. Daddy traveled a lot, so it wasn't as hard as it sounds. When I turned fifteen, I started trying to get into open mic nights around town. Tandy actually helped me with that too. You know that the mecca for that is the Bluebird and that was my goal. I got picked for an open mic night and that's the night I met Watty White."

"He was the one who helped get your career started."

Rayna smiled. "Right." Then she looked away. "He was also the one who introduced me to Deacon."

"How did it come about that your father kicked you out of the house?"

She sighed. "He always told me that if I lived in his house, I had to live by his rules. And his rule for me was no country music. Because I didn't understand why, I think I really thought he wouldn't punish me. But I was wrong. I told him that I had a paying gig and he told me that if I went and did it, I couldn't live there anymore. I really thought he wouldn't kick me out, but when Deacon brought me home, my stuff was out on the street."

"Did you talk to him about it?"

Rayna shook her head and frowned. "No. I got my things and put them in Deacon's truck. He took me home with him. And that was that. Daddy and I have been at odds ever since."

"How did you feel when he kicked you out?"

Rayna frowned. "I guess I was mad, but at the same time I felt kind of free. I could go do what I wanted. I could go out and get paying gigs. I could live with Deacon and not have to listen to Daddy tell me what a loser he was. I could have my own life."

"So you didn't regret what happened?"

Rayna shook her head. "No. I mean, it was a little scary, but I had Deacon. He took care of me."

Dr. Harris nodded, then wrote some more. When he looked up, he said, "So let's talk about Tandy. Tell me about your relationship with her."

Rayna gave him a small smile. "She and I were always close, even though she's four years older than me. I could always depend on her. Growing up, she was the person I talked to, especially after Mom died. I never had a lot of friends and, other than Deacon, she is the person I'm closest to."

"And she was the person you turned to when you found out you were pregnant."

Rayna was silent for a moment. "Yeah," she said finally. "I needed _someone_ to help me. She was it."

"What was her reaction?"

"Once she found out the baby was Deacon's, she was pissed. Pissed at me."

"But she helped you."

Rayna nodded. "She did. I told her I wanted to find Deacon and tell him and, even though she tried hard to talk me out of it, she did drive me to the cabin. But when we got there and saw how bad he was, she talked me into leaving." She looked at Dr. Harris with pain in her eyes. "I didn't want to leave. But I didn't really know what else to do."

"How was she involved in your telling Teddy?"

"She knew that I didn't want to have the baby on my own. She told me to tell Teddy that the baby was his. That I could tell him that the protection failed and he never had to know."

"But that's not what you did."

Rayna shook her head and tears streaked her face. "I couldn't do that to him. I did finally tell him, of course, and I thought he'd break up with me. I was so surprised that he offered to marry me."

"So Tandy encouraged the marriage. And helped develop that plan that led to keeping Deacon in the dark."

Rayna frowned. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Rayna, why did you agree with that plan? Why did you let Teddy and Tandy determine your future?"

Rayna bristled. "I didn't think of it like that. I agreed with them, that it was the right thing to do. I wanted to protect my baby. It wasn't like they forced me to do it. I went along with it willingly." As she realized what she'd just said, she gasped and then covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes filled with pain.

Dr. Harris watched her carefully and waited while she fully absorbed what she'd said. Finally, he asked, "Did you also talk to her about whether you would tell Deacon at some point in the future?"

Rayna swallowed hard and nodded. When she spoke, her voice was quiet. "Yeah. She told me the same thing Teddy did, that I could never tell Deacon. That he was an alcoholic and could fall off the wagon at any time. That he wasn't a good father figure, because he was undependable and a risk. That it was better for Maddie to be raised by Teddy, that he would give her a better life than Deacon could give her."

"And you agreed to go along with that?"

Rayna nodded, her tears returning. "I did," she said, her voice cracking with the emotion.

"Did you ever talk to her later on about telling Deacon?"

"I did. And she always told me why that was a bad idea. And she told me that…that he would hate me if I ever told him." Her voice had lowered to a whisper and she choked on a sob. She fought for control. Then she looked up at Dr. Harris. "And she was right."

* * *

When Rayna walked in she threw her purse down on the couch and stood in front of Dr. Harris with her arms crossed. "Today I don't want to talk about how badly I fucked up. I want to talk about how bad _I_ feel and how hurt _I_ am. This isn't all just about what I did to Deacon. It's also about what he did that got us to this place."

"That's fine, Rayna," he said. "What would you like to talk about?"

Rayna sat down and crossed her legs. Her voice was angry when she started talking. "You know, he made my life pretty much hell back in those days. It was really hard to manage a career and a boyfriend who couldn't stop drinking long enough to be on stage to back me up. Or who went out after a show and made me spend all night hunting him down. I was a wreck back then. I don't think he ever understood how hard it was for _me_ and how much he was dragging _me_ down." She was starting to get emotional and her voice started to shake, which she hated. "I propped him up for _years. Years._ I kept people out of our business so that everyone didn't know what a _mess_ he was." She looked away. "I was _embarrassed._" Her voice had softened to just above a whisper. "I know he's mad about what I did, but he didn't give me any choice!"

"If it was so difficult back then, why did you keep doing it?"

Rayna opened her mouth and then closed it. She looked away, then back at Dr. Harris. "I loved him. I didn't want to leave him. And I was afraid if I left him, he would end up dead."

Dr. Harris looked at her for a moment. "So you were angry with him about being an alcoholic and making life difficult, but you stayed. And when you got pregnant, you used that to justify why you couldn't tell him. You put him in rehab and married someone else." It wasn't a question, but he looked at Rayna as though he expected an answer. She sat and stared at him and then finally got up, picked up her purse, and stormed out of his office.

* * *

Rayna cancelled the next two appointments and then, when she came back, she didn't bring up the session she'd walked out on. She sat on the couch and looked at Dr. Harris as though she were daring him to bring it up. He watched her for a moment, then started down a different path. "Were you in love with Teddy Conrad when you married him?" he asked.

Rayna raised her eyebrows. "Truthfully, no," she said.

"Did you fall in love with him at some point?"

"I did love him. He was a good man, a good father, and a good husband for most of our marriage. We had a child together. I grew to love him over time."

"But not the way you'd loved Deacon."

Rayna took a deep breath. "No," she said.

"You said at one of our earlier sessions that you were bored in your marriage."

"Well, maybe 'bored' was too strong a word. There certainly weren't fireworks every day. Teddy was a stable, good provider, most of the time. It was comforting."

Dr. Harris nodded. "But you brought Deacon back into your life. Professionally, anyway. And I'm guessing that added more excitement."

Rayna looked uncomfortable. "I guess. Some."

"When did you realize that Deacon was going to make sobriety work this time?"

Rayna looked away. "I'm not sure I can say a specific point in time. But over time I realized he was making it work."

"There had to be a time when you realized this time was different, though."

Rayna shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, he'd gotten sober before, but it hadn't stuck. I guess, like every other time, it started with days and weeks and months. I mean, it was obvious he wasn't drinking, but that could have changed at any time."

"But it didn't." He looked firmly at her. "At what point did you realize it was different?"

She shifted in her chair. "I don't know. I didn't wake up one morning and think, 'wow, Deacon's still sober'. It just didn't happen that way."

"There had to be a time. I don't mean you have to give me a date, but there was a time when you knew this time he was serious. And it didn't happen a year ago or five years ago. He's been sober for almost fourteen years."

"I don't know." Rayna looked at him stubbornly

"Rayna, how old was Maddie when you realized that this time he was going to make it?" Dr. Harris was pressing.

Rayna looked down and then rubbed her face with her hands. "She was three," she whispered. She looked up, her eyes flashing through her tears. "She was three!"

Dr. Harris sat and looked at her and she let that wash over her. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and not unkind. "Rayna, I know you felt like you did the right thing for Maddie all those years ago. It was a frightening time and I understand that Deacon had a very serious problem and you were fearful. But you made a very conscious decision at a certain point, when you realized that Deacon had found a way to make this work. And at that point, you had the opportunity to tell him he was a father and you chose not to."

Rayna felt sick to her stomach. The tears came harder as she acknowledged to herself what she had done. "I was wrong," she said, choking on the tears. "I did a terrible thing and I was wrong." She put her head down in her hands and sobbed.

* * *

It was several weeks later when Rayna came to her session looking happier than she'd looked in a very long time. Dr. Harris noted that her face looked more peaceful and her demeanor was calmer. As she had truly begun to come to terms with her actions with respect to Maddie, she had looked beaten down. There had been very little of the fire she'd shown in earlier sessions when she'd challenged him. She'd seemed weary and remorseful. But today was different.

"Tell me what's going on, Rayna," he said.

She smiled, a little shyly. "Maddie signed herself up for an open mic. Not one of the ones at a club, since she's too young for that. But a kids' open mic. Next Sunday. She invited me. And Deacon."

Dr. Harris raised his eyebrows. "And he's coming, I take it."

Rayna nodded and smiled. "Yes. He knows I'm coming and he's going to be there anyway."

"And you're feeling positive about it?"

"Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel a little like maybe things are finally getting better. This will be the first time we've been together, in public, not just at his house with Maddie or something, since everything happened. And I know we won't really be _together_, like a couple or anything, but we're doing something together, for Maddie. And I think that's a good sign. Don't you?"

Dr. Harris looked at her over the top of his glasses and gave her a small smile. "I think it sounds like things could be moving in the right direction, Rayna."

Rayna sat back against the couch and smiled. _Maybe all of this counseling was worth it after all._


	10. Chapter 10

_**Here it is – the Two Old Hippies open mic scene! Hope you like it.**_

Rayna was a little nervous walking into Two Old Hippies. First, for Maddie, who was making her open mic debut. She knew Maddie was talented, but Rayna knew her daughter was anxious about singing in public, even at a kids' open mic event, so she was anxious for her.

The other reason she was nervous was because Deacon was coming. Everything had been so strained between the two of them, ever since he'd found out Maddie was his daughter. She would typically only see him briefly, when she'd pick up Maddie from a guitar lesson. But last week, he had invited her and Daphne in. Actually Maddie had asked if they could come in and he had agreed. Rayna hadn't been able to tell if he was reluctant or not. But he and Maddie had played one of Deacon's songs for them and Daphne had jumped in and lent her voice to harmonize. Rayna's eyes had filled with tears as she'd listened to the three of them together. She especially paid attention to Maddie, who seemed happier than she'd seen her in a long time. She hoped that maybe the impasse she and Deacon seemed to be stuck at for so many months had finally started to break down.

She didn't think, when Maddie had invited him, that Deacon would come, but he'd agreed immediately. She was hopeful that it was a positive sign. He no longer seemed full of anger around her, but it still felt like they were a long way from being able to talk to each other about anything other than Maddie. They were both still in therapy, separately, so Rayna hoped this meant a breakthrough.

She dressed carefully, in a flattering white wrap dress with red polka-dots. Her hair fell in smooth waves down her back and she wore the diamond earrings Deacon had given her when she'd gotten her first headline tour.

Maddie was the one who'd told her originally that he'd decided to try a solo career again. She was proud of him for putting himself out there like that, after all these years. Maddie had told her he'd recorded an album and had played it for her when Deacon had given her a copy. In fact, she played it endlessly, and Rayna had been impressed with how good it was. Recording it live at the Bluebird had been inspired and had really made it special. She knew he was opening for Luke Wheeler on his Cowboy Party tour. She'd heard Deacon was getting good buzz, enough so that Luke apparently was annoyed. Bucky had shared that little tidbit with her after a recent meeting at Edgehill. She had to laugh at that. Deacon was so much more authentic than Luke. She found herself thinking about how unpredictable success could be. Deacon was definitely the better musician and singer, yet Luke was the one that had risen to superstardom. She was glad Deacon was getting his shot.

Rayna found a seat and placed her purse on the seat next to hers for Deacon, in case he wanted to sit with her. She had looked around for him when she got there, but he hadn't arrived yet. She was a little worried. She didn't want him to disappoint Maddie. She had an anxious feeling, wondering if he would make it. But then in the middle of the second act, he slid into the seat next to her, handing her her purse. She felt her heart flutter.

"Sorry I'm late," he whispered.

"It's okay. She hasn't gone on yet."

He nodded and smiled at her, then looked up at the stage. She couldn't believe he was sitting this close to her. She'd missed him. So much. When Maddie came on stage, Rayna stole a glance at him. He was beaming and it warmed her heart. She'd been impressed with how well he'd fit into the role of father and how quickly he'd grown into it. _I should never have doubted him._

Maddie sang two songs and she did beautifully. She looked so lovely standing up on the stage and the applause had been enthusiastic, which caused her to smile appreciatively. Rayna looked at Deacon. He smiled and shook his head in disbelief. Then he reached for her hand. She held her breath, but he merely squeezed it and then pulled away. She felt a pang of regret.

When the event was over, Maddie happily ran over to her parents. "Dad!" she cried. "I'm so glad you made it."

Deacon gave her a hug as he smiled with pride. "I wouldn't have missed it," he said. "You were great!"

Rayna looked at her daughter with surprise. She hadn't realized Maddie was calling him "Dad" now. She touched Maddie's arm. "You were wonderful, sweet girl," she said, smiling.

Maddie hugged her. "Thanks, Mom," she said. Deacon watched them, thinking Maddie was looking more grown up every day. He could see now that she looked like him, but she also had Rayna's easy grace and lean build. He thought maybe she'd gotten the best of both of them.

"Can we go get ice cream?" Maddie asked, interrupting his thoughts. "Together?"

Rayna looked apologetic. "Deacon might be busy," she said.

He shook his head. "No, actually I'm not. I can go." He smiled.

Rayna's heart fluttered again. She looked shyly at Maddie. "Where do you want to go?"

"Jeni's!" Maddie replied, with a big smile on her face.

* * *

When they walked in to Jeni's, Rayna was aware of the buzz around the shop, people looking at her surreptitiously. One thing she appreciated about Nashville was that people didn't invade her space. She often wished she weren't that recognizable. It felt awkward, knowing that people were looking at her and talking about her, even if their words weren't unkind. She was very conscious of people watching now as she, Maddie and Deacon ordered ice cream and then went to a booth. She suspected that Deacon was becoming more recognizable as well, considering his featured position on Luke Wheeler's tour. She sat across from the two of them and she knew it would be obvious that there was some connection between Deacon and Maddie. They had such a natural ease around each other and that showed as they talked to each other.

Rayna leaned forward slightly and smiled at her daughter. "Maddie, you were so good today. I'm so proud of you!"

Maddie smiled and blushed a little. "Thanks, Mom," she said. Then she gave her a playful look. "So when do I get to do a real open mic?"

Rayna scrunched up her face. "That _was_ a real open mic, honey."

Maddie rolled her eyes. "It was for kids. I want to do one that's not for kids."

"Not until you finish school."

Maddie looked at Deacon. "Can't you talk her into it? Remind her that she was sixteen when she started out?"

Deacon chuckled. "I'm not going to fight with your mama on this, Maddie." He glanced quickly at Rayna, then back at Maddie. "Besides, I agree with her. _And_ you're not even sixteen yet anyway."

Maddie huffed. "That's not fair."

Deacon put his arm around her shoulder. "It was a different time back then, Maddie. And finishing school is the right thing to do. You want to have options."

Maddie frowned. "I don't need options, I want to be a singer. Like you and Mom. I don't understand why you won't help me."

Rayna reached across the table for Maddie's hand. "We _will_ help you, sweet girl. When you're a little older."

Maddie scowled. Deacon looked at Rayna and smiled apologetically. Rayna felt her heart race as she smiled and shrugged, feeling a little like they were finally starting to reconnect, with that unspoken language of parents. It was a start, and one she'd gladly take.

* * *

Deacon hugged Maddie warmly outside the ice cream shop. He smiled down at her. "I'm so proud of you, Maddie," he said. "You did so good today."

Maddie beamed. "Thanks, Dad. It was fun."

He looked at Rayna. "I think she's gonna be special," he said. "Whether we want her to or not."

Rayna smiled. "We'll just have to make sure we get her started off right." She glanced at Maddie. "When the time comes," she said, a warning look in her eyes.

"Thanks for inviting me, Maddie," Deacon said. "I need to get going. I'll see you Tuesday before I go out again."

Maddie nodded. "I'll see you then." She waved and then turned to walk to the car.

Rayna hesitated for just a moment. "I'm glad you came," she said.

"Me too." They looked at each other for a long moment. Then Deacon took a deep breath and looked past her. Rayna let out a tiny sigh, realizing it was time to go. Deacon stood and watched her turn towards Maddie and then watched them walk away. He felt a tiny stir inside him as his eyes followed her. He wanted to say he was watching Maddie, but he knew that wasn't the case. In the beginning, he knew his anger was pure and true. But as time had gone on, he'd found himself sometimes wanting to just stop being so angry. He wanted her to acknowledge all that she had done, though, and take responsibility somehow. But when he was honest with himself, he knew there was an emptiness inside him now that she had always filled. He was trying to do what Dr. Harris suggested, forgive Rayna. It wasn't an easy thing, but Dr. Harris had told him it would not be. As he'd thought about the act of forgiveness, he'd realized that he was ready to move past the hurt and the pain. He did want to develop a partnership with Rayna to be parents for their daughter. He wasn't quite sure if he wanted anything else, or if it was even possible, but he thought that was enough for now.

* * *

When they were on the highway headed home, Rayna glanced over at Maddie. "How did that feel?" she asked.

Maddie turned and smiled. "Like a family," she said. "For a minute, anyway."

Rayna's eyes widened. That wasn't what she'd meant and it surprised her that Maddie had gone in that direction. "It was nice to do something together," she said carefully.

Maddie suddenly looked serious. "Do you think you and Deacon can work things out? Maybe get back together? Daphne and I talked about it and we think that would be good."

Rayna wasn't sure what to say at first. She and Maddie had talked a lot about Deacon and her early relationship with him, since Maddie had questions any child might have about their parents. Maddie had begun sharing more about her visits with Deacon and how comfortable she was feeling with him. Rayna and Daphne had even talked, when Daphne had expressed some wistfulness over the new direction of Maddie's life and how it felt like it was drawing the sisters apart a bit. It had been a learning process for all of them and Rayna thought that it probably was a good thing that she and Deacon had not been working on their own relationship at the same time Maddie was navigating hers. She sighed then and answered her daughter's question. "I don't know, Maddie. What I did was really hurtful to him, maybe even more than to you. I don't know if we can work it all out." She smiled sadly. "I'd like to, though. I hope we can. Someday."

Maddie looked at her mother and sighed, nodding slightly. Then she turned her head and looked out the window. Rayna glanced over at her daughter and saw the sag of her shoulders. There was such an emptiness inside her where there used to be Deacon and she wondered if she'd ever get that back.

* * *

Rayna was fixing dinner when she heard her phone and picked it up. She was startled to see it was Deacon. "Hey," she said, her voice more calm than she felt.

"Hey." He paused. "Maddie was really good today, wasn't she?"

Rayna smiled. "She was. It scares me a little."

Deacon chuckled softly. "I know. She reminds me of you. So headstrong and confident."

Rayna felt her heart beat faster. "Maybe a little."

"The reason I called was that I, uh, I think it might be time for us to meet with Dr. Harris again. Together."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I think I'm ready to talk. Are you?"

Rayna took a deep breath. "Yeah. I am."


	11. Chapter 11

Rayna looked up as the door opened. Deacon entered and looked over at her, then walked over and sat in the chair perpendicular to hers. "Hey," he said.

She gave him a small smile. "Hey." She shifted in her chair. "You sure you're ready for this?"

He nodded. Just then, Dr. Harris opened the door to his office. "Rayna, Deacon, I'm ready for you," he said. They exchanged glances, then got up. Deacon followed Rayna into the office.

Rayna sat on the couch and Deacon sat in the chair opposite her. Dr. Harris sat in his usual seat, where he could see both of them. "I'm glad that you're both ready to talk to each other again," Dr. Harris started.

Rayna put her hand up to stop him. "Dr. Harris, I'd like to start, if that's okay." She looked at Deacon. "And if it's okay with you." He nodded. She took a deep breath and looked down at her hands, then back up at Deacon. "Maddie told me, the night of the CMA's, that this was all my mistake. And she was right. _She_ wasn't a mistake. _Having her_ wasn't a mistake. Even getting pregnant wasn't a mistake. All I ever wanted was to be your wife and have your babies. We'd talked about it so many times, but it was never the right time. But when I did get pregnant, everything was so scary and I made mistakes. I didn't tell you I was pregnant. I didn't tell you when she was born. I didn't tell you at any point while she was growing up. And I wasn't the one to tell you at all."

She looked away for a moment, then back at Deacon, who sat there watching her. "I thought it was enough for you to know her, have a relationship with her, but I was wrong. It was a mistake for me to think I could get away with that. She had a good father – I hope you can acknowledge that, at least. But she should have grown up knowing who you were. I can see that now." Her eyes were moist and she wiped away the tears. "I was afraid, Deacon. And I was exhausted. Living with you, and loving you, were the hardest things I'd ever done. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't want to do it anymore. That was why I left you and then, when I found out I was pregnant, it was why I let other people convince me that the best thing to do was not tell you."

She got up from the couch and walked over to the window, looking out at the rainy day. "I did think I was doing the best thing for my baby. I wanted her to have a stable home and you and I just hadn't had that. I know I told you that I did go out to the cabin to tell you, but when I saw how you were, I let Tandy talk me into leaving. I walked away and I'm ashamed. I should have given you a chance." She took a deep breath. "I know that keeping you in my life so that she could have a relationship with you wasn't fair. To either one of you. But it was the closest thing I could get to us having a chance to be together with her. At least that's what I thought."

She turned back to look at him. "You asked me that night why I didn't tell you when she was younger. I didn't because I was afraid. It wouldn't have been easy to do that, because there was Teddy to consider, but I know now that I should have at least done that." Tears started rolling down her face again. "I didn't do anything right in this situation. I know it's not enough, but I'm so sorry and I hope that someday you can forgive me for this."

Deacon worked his lip. His eyes were full of pain as he sat considering her words. "You didn't do everything wrong, Rayna," he said finally. "You're a good mother and you did a good job raising Maddie."

Rayna gave him a tiny smile. "Every day I looked at her, I saw you. She couldn't have been more perfect." She sighed. "And I was always glad she was yours."

Deacon rubbed his face with his hands. Then he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and clasping his hands together. He looked down. "I did hear you when you said there was no good time to blow up her life. I'd never been a parent and I didn't understand that then, but now I do. There would never have been a good time to tell her, I get that. But you _should_ have done it at some point, when she was younger. Being Maddie's dad has been the best part of my life. I still wish I'd gotten all those years with her, but we're going to make the best of what we do have."

He looked up at her then. "I know I was a mess when you got pregnant. I understand all of that now. But when I found out about Maddie and that you had never told me, I felt like I didn't know you. The woman I knew, that I had loved for so long, wouldn't do that, couldn't do that. It's taken a long time and a lot of work to move beyond it. To decide how to live with that. But I look at Maddie and I'm blown away by the fact that we made her. I always loved her, you know that, and to know she's part mine is the most amazing thing."

He looked away for a moment, then back at her. "I guess what I want to say is that we do have to be her parents together. That day at the open mic showed me we could do that. And I think I'm finally at a place where I _can_ forgive you. I still think a lot of it was wrong and it still hurts, probably always will, but I can't hang on to the mad, as a wise friend of mine told me once. I still don't know what happens for you and me, but I do want us to be able to be good parents – together – for Maddie."

Rayna closed her eyes, then opened them and smiled. "I'm grateful that you're willing to forgive me. I know I don't deserve…."

"It's not a matter of deserving it," Deacon said, interrupting her. "But I can't get past all this if I don't do that. I need to let it go or I'll just be bitter forever and that won't help Maddie."

Rayna held her breath. She hadn't thought he'd really let her off that easily. "Maddie has always been most important," she said softly.

Deacon stood up and walked closer to her. "I still have questions though, Rayna. Like I still need to understand why you never told me about her." He ran his hands over his face, shaking his head. "I've been sober over thirteen years. You can't tell me that there was never a time during those thirteen years that you didn't think I was good enough that you could tell me."

Rayna felt a chill run down her spine at the look on his face. He may have forgiven the act, but she didn't really think he'd forgiven _her_. She stood looking at him, not really sure what to say. She breathed in and then ran her tongue over her lips, looking away. When she looked back, he was still looking at her with that questioning stare. "I was just protecting her, Deacon," she said. "I didn't want to blow up her life. She was just a child. How was she supposed to understand grown up things like that?"

Deacon shook his head. "Rayna, I was around her her whole life. Maybe it would have been challenging when she was tiny, but how about when she was old enough to understand? Daphne's ten and she understands all this. Why would Maddie have been different?"

She looked down. "If it had just been me, maybe it would have been different, but I had Teddy to consider. I mean, he was the only father she'd ever known."

He let out a sharp, sarcastic laugh. "That fucking Teddy Conrad, the one who told you to lie to me about my own daughter," he said, shaking his head. "The one who can't face the truth himself, that he's not her biological father. He's the one who made you think that this was all an illusion. That I really couldn't be trusted to stay sober and be a father to my daughter!"

Rayna turned to him, her eyes flashing. "You did that all on your own, Deacon!" she cried. "I spent eleven _years_ dealing with your lack of dependability, your inability to be trusted. I had to live with the fear that you wouldn't come home, that you'd drink yourself to death, that the least little thing would send you off the wagon." She took a deep breath, her chest heaving. "I was _scared!_ I wanted you to be better. I was glad you were better. I believed in that. But I had seen you make promises you couldn't keep and I was scared. It was one thing when it was just me. But now we had a daughter. And I couldn't do that to her."

Deacon walked back to his chair and sat, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, looking up at her. "I spent a lot of time in rehab talking about why I drank. Because, you know, they want you to figure that kind of shit out before you go back out in the world." He nodded his head towards Dr. Harris. "And Dr. Harris made me go through that again too. But you, Rayna, you never asked me why I drank. When I came home, all those times, we never talked about that." She looked at him with regret. He shook his head. "But that was okay. I didn't really want to have to tell you all of that. Because it was ugly." He took a deep breath. "My family was screwed up. You know about Beverly, of course, but did you ever really think about why she and I were like we were? Well, my father was a drunk and my mama was crazy. So she and I, we grew up just like them." Rayna looked distraught. "My father was a mean drunk. He beat us up, he pushed my mama around and Beverly and me too. Our lives were hell. I was scared every damn day. I was scared my father would beat me, sometimes for no other reason than because I crossed his path. My mama couldn't protect us and there were times I hated her for that."

Rayna gasped and raised her hand to her mouth. Tears formed in her eyes. "I never knew," she said softly.

Deacon rubbed his face and brushed away the tears with the heel of his hand. "I didn't want you to know," he said brokenly. "You were so pretty and sweet and young and perfect, and I didn't want you to know about my past. I drank to forget all that. I drank because I was afraid I'd never be good enough." He looked up at her. "But you know what? I liked it. I liked the taste of it. It felt good going down, all warm and smooth. I didn't like being wasted and I sure as hell didn't like how I felt hungover, but I couldn't stop. I tried. God knows I tried." He worked his lip. "I hated what it did to you, what I did to you. I hated disappointing you, never being the man you wanted me to be. I didn't know how to stop, not really, but you always took me back. And then you didn't. And so I get why you didn't believe in me then. I get that you gave me a hundred chances and then on that next time, you said no."

Rayna wrapped her arms around her waist. "It was the hardest thing I'd ever done," she said, her voice nearly a whisper. "I didn't want to do that."

Deacon shook his head. "But I got better, Rayna. I still need you to tell me why that wasn't enough. It was enough for you to bring me back into your band, it was enough for us to be friends, it was enough for you to let me be part of your daughters' lives." He breathed in. "It was enough for you to come stand on my porch and tell me you'd never not loved me. Why wasn't it enough for you to tell me we had a daughter?"

Rayna looked away. She had somehow hoped she wouldn't have to say it out loud, because it sounded so horrible to her. But she realized he wasn't going to let it go. And that if she didn't say it, they would never have a chance. She put her hands on her hips and took several deep breaths, then threw her arms out in front of her. "Okay, I didn't tell you because every day that went on, I didn't know how to even start that conversation. How was I supposed to come to you and tell you that I'd lied to you, that I'd had a baby and she was yours and I didn't know how to tell you that? I didn't know how to tell you so that you wouldn't hate me. I didn't want you to cut me out of your life and I knew, the longer it went on, that you'd do that. And see? I was right, because that's exactly what's happened." She wrapped her arms around her waist again.

Deacon looked a little stunned as he listened. He breathed slowly in and out as he processed what she'd said. "Why did you come back to me, without telling me?" he asked.

Rayna screwed up her face in anguish. "I was selfish! I wanted you for myself and I couldn't tell you, because I couldn't have you walk out of my life." She swiped at her tears. "Oh, God," she murmured. "I did a horrible thing. I have no excuse. I did a horrible thing." She turned and looked out the window.

Behind her, Deacon watched her with sorrow in his eyes. He stood, but didn't move. "For thirteen years, I did this for you. I stayed sober for you. I got sober for _you_. Every time I got challenged, I thought about you and making you proud. Showing you that you were right to have faith in me. But this time I couldn't do it for you. So I had to do it for me."

He put his hands on his hips, then reached up one hand and rubbed it across his mouth. "I don't think us making Maddie was a mistake either. I've never thought that. There was a reason for it and maybe we should have dealt with it before or maybe now was the time. But I get now that I have to stay sober for _me_, so I can be the dad she deserves. This is all about Maddie, Rayna, not us, but her. We have to be the best parents we can be, for her." He cleared his throat. "I had to forgive myself too, for all the pain I caused you, that led you to think you couldn't depend on me, that I couldn't be a father to Maddie – ever, and that kept you and me apart all those years."

She turned to look at him, tears streaking down her face. "I made such a mess of everything," she said.

His eyes were sad, but not angry. "Rayna, we made this amazing girl together. Even if we didn't raise her up together, she's ours. She's the best of both of us and we have to do right by her."

Rayna turned away, towards the window, her arms around her waist. Tears trailed down her cheeks and then she lifted her hand to cover her mouth. She felt Deacon's hands on her arms, knew he was standing right behind her, not touching her, but close enough that she could feel his heat. He took a deep breath and then sighed. "It's good for us to put it all out there, Rayna," he said, his voice sad. "It's the only way we're gonna be able to do this at all." He cleared his throat. "I'm not walking away. I'm not turning my back on you. We're gonna have to do this together."

Rayna dipped her head, the tears coming harder. "I never wanted to hurt you," she said, brokenly. "But that's exactly what I did. I have no excuses and nothing I can hide behind. I understand why you hated me. I hated me too. I just hope I can make up, in some way, for all the wrong I did to you and to Maddie."

Deacon was silent for several minutes, still grasping her arms. Then he pressed lightly and let her go. "We'll figure it out," he said softly.


	12. Chapter 12

Rayna had left the joint therapy session feeling unsettled and unsure about what the future held for her and Deacon. He had gone back out on tour a few days later and she knew he would be gone for three weeks, as the tour wrapped up. So she was surprised when, a week later, her phone rang and it was Deacon. "Hey," she said as she answered.

"Hey," he responded and then paused. "I know you left the session with Dr. Harris feeling kind of low. But I think it went good."

"Really?" He was right. She'd pushed past him out of the office and hurried out to her car before he could say anything to her.

"Yeah." He sighed. "Nobody said it would be easy."

"Yeah, I guess." She had a lot of mixed feelings about it, unsure as to whether it had really helped at all.

"So your tour is over, right? No 'Red Lips, White Lies 3' on the horizon?"

She was grateful for the change of subject and laughed softly. "No, thankfully. I'm sure Juliette has told you the same thing."

He chuckled. "Yes, she has. I guess now you can do your own tour."

"That's the plan. Although, first I need to get my album released. So that's what I'm working on at the moment." She wondered why he was calling. Small talk wasn't usually his thing and, with how things had been between the two of them, it was the last thing she'd expected.

He cleared his throat. "Well, um, I was calling because, well, Luke's tour finishes up in Nashville and I wondered if you and the girls might like to come."

Rayna caught her breath and then smiled. "Well, they're at Teddy's this week but I think I can speak for them and say yes, we'd love to come." She felt that fluttering in her heart, pleased that he'd included her. "I really am happy for you, Deacon, that you're getting this chance."

"Thanks. I wasn't sure how it would go, if I was too old for this, but I've enjoyed it. Mostly, anyway."

"Well, you know that Luke is now on Edgehill's roster and word is that he's feeling a little threatened by your popularity. So it sounds like you've made quite a good impression out there."

Deacon smiled sheepishly. "I don't know about that. But Luke _is_ kind of a diva."

Rayna laughed out loud. "I've heard that. I might be a little biased, but I think that you're much more talented than he is. I never understood why his career took off and yours didn't, back then. I'm just glad that you're getting to do this now."

He was silent for a moment on the other end of the phone. "Well, anyway," he said finally, "I'll have passes for all three of you. Come early and I'll bring you backstage before I go on."

"Maddie and Daphne will love that," she said. _And so will I._ "We'll see you then."

* * *

Deacon's set was winding down. Rayna was thrilled that the crowd was so enthusiastic. She knew there was good buzz around him, so the seats were filling up earlier for fans interested in hearing him as well. She knew she had nothing to do with his success, but she couldn't help but be proud of him. Maddie and Daphne had found places right on the edge of the side stage so that they had an unfettered view. Rayna had stayed back, not wanting to be a distraction, but close enough to keep her eye on the girls.

"So the rumors were true," came a voice from behind her. "Rayna Jaymes, the queen of country music, is actually in the house."

Rayna turned around to see Luke Wheeler standing behind her. She hadn't seen him in years until Jeff Fordham had signed him at Edgehill, to great fanfare. She and Deacon had known him back when they were all starting out. She'd not known him well at all until one night, when they were all playing at the Texas State Fair, and Deacon had not shown up for her set. She'd been frantic and scared, and pissed, and Luke had offered to fill in onstage. She'd taken him up on the offer and then he'd helped her search for Deacon after the show. They'd finally found him, passed out in a bar, and Luke had helped her get him back to the tour bus. Luke had tried to cheer her up by taking her out on the fair midway and on the Ferris wheel. She hadn't been good company, she knew, because she was worried about Deacon. She'd appreciated his help and his friendship, until, as they were walking back, he'd tried to kiss her. She'd pushed him away and walked off. Their paths occasionally crossed after that, but she'd always kept her distance. She'd always thought he was a little too cocky, plus she wasn't a fan of the "bro country" trend that he embraced.

She'd been out on the Red Lips, White Lies tour when he'd signed with Edgehill so the first time she'd seen him was at an investor event, but she hadn't stayed long enough to have any conversation with him. "Well, hey, Luke," she said, putting on her performance face.

He took off his hat and did a semi-bow. "No one told me you were coming tonight. We could have worked you in for a duet."

Rayna shook her head. "I'm just here as a mama tonight. My daughters and I are here to see Deacon Claybourne. As his guests."

Luke's eyes narrowed slightly but he kept his smile, although it seemed less genuine than before. "That's right, I forgot y'all go way back." He tilted his head slightly. "But I thought you'd fired him from your band a long time ago."

"I did. But we're still on friendly terms." No need sharing anything with him. She quickly looked back to check on the girls, as she heard Deacon finishing up his last song.

Luke stepped over closer to her, lifting up her hand and kissing it. "Tonight's our last night, but you should come out when we start up again next spring. As _my_ guest."

Rayna didn't like the look in his eye and she felt uncomfortable with how close he was. She withdrew her hand as politely as she could, even though her instincts were to snatch it away. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Deacon wave to the crowd and then walk off the stage. She watched him grab Maddie up in a big hug and then lift Daphne up playfully.

"That looks kind of cozy," Luke said, his voice sounding a bit ominous.

Rayna looked back at him and frowned. "What do mean by that?" she asked, her voice a little sharp.

Luke took a step back and raised his hands in mock surrender. "Whoa! Just an observation. Just seems like maybe that's more than just old friend stuff." Rayna eyed him carefully but his expression was neutral.

Deacon and the girls walked up just then. Deacon had seen Luke standing near Rayna and had recognized her tension. He also had been surprised by his own feelings of irritation and a desire to push Luke away from her. He hadn't expected to have those protective feelings towards her and it left him feeling unsettled. He looked at Rayna, then at Luke. "What's going on?" he asked, his voice tight and his jaw twitching with anger.

Luke looked at Deacon. "Just catching up. I haven't seen Rayna in a while and I didn't realize y'all were still close." He glanced quickly, but knowingly, at Maddie. "Y'all look just like a little family." Then he slapped Deacon on the shoulder. "Good set, bud," he said, as he walked off towards the stage.

Deacon frowned, watching Luke for a moment, then turned back and looked at Rayna. "What was that about?" he asked.

Rayna had watched Luke as he walked towards the stage and then looked at Deacon, concern in her eyes. "I'm not really sure," she said. Then she looked over to the girls and smiled. "Deacon was great, wasn't he, girls?"

"Yes!" they cried out together.

She looked at him and then back at the girls. "Maybe we can all go back to his dressing room and hang out for a bit before we go home." She looked back at him and he nodded, his own eyes filled with concern.

"Let's go!" he said, putting an arm around Maddie and taking Daphne's hand and heading for the tunnel, Rayna trailing behind, worry on her face.

Later that night, after she'd gotten the girls to bed and she'd poured herself a glass of wine, Rayna pulled out her phone. She thought about calling – she knew he'd be up late, winding down after the show, as they always had – but she decided to send a text instead. _Thanks. Appreciate your having my back._

A minute later came his response. _Any time. On my way to the cabin._

Rayna stared down at the phone, her heart pounding. It felt like the dam had broken.

* * *

Rayna pulled up in the drive next to Deacon's truck. She got out and walked up the steps to the porch that lined the whole front of the cabin. She shivered a little, both from the chill in the air and the fact that she hadn't been here since the day she had come, Tandy in tow, with the intent of telling Deacon she was pregnant. Deacon was sitting on one of the porch chairs. "Hey," he said, as she approached. She couldn't gauge his tone.

"Hey," she responded, sitting down in the chair next to him. She looked out over the lake for a minute, then back at him. "Thanks for inviting us to the concert. The girls really enjoyed that. And you were fantastic. I'm so glad you're finally getting your chance."

He gave her a half-smile. "I'm glad y'all came." He looked at her closely. "Luke Wheeler seemed pretty interested in the fact you were there."

Rayna frowned. "I didn't really like his insinuations. He's never seemed very genuine and he sure was over the top last night. I hope he doesn't try to stir up anything."

Deacon breathed out. "He's kind of a jerk, but I don't think he'll say anything. I'm betting I won't get asked back though."

Rayna made a face. "Oh, please. He'd be a fool not to. You're very good." Then she laughed. "But that whole 'Wheels Up' stuff and 'The Cowboy Party Tour'. How did you stand it?"

Deacon smiled. "It paid pretty damn good," he said, with a laugh.

"You don't need the money _that_ bad, Deacon. Couldn't you find someone else to tour with?"

"Maybe. But I was an opener, not opening for the opener. There's something to be said for that, as you well know."

She smiled and nodded. "That's true." She reached out and tapped his arm. "George did remember me enough to invite me to perform in his final concert."

"I heard. I was pretty impressed, Ray. And you got to sing 'Jackson' with him. One of your favorite Johnny and June songs. I know that had to feel good."

Him calling her "Ray" felt good. But she didn't say that. "Yeah, it did feel good. Kind of a full circle moment." She looked over at him. "I wish I'd had my guitar player though." She knew she was taking a chance, saying that. But things seemed better between them.

He looked down, then out over the lake. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Those were good times." They were quiet, sitting with their thoughts. Then Deacon looked over at her, his eyes with that puppy dog look. He reached for her hand and loosely threaded his fingers through hers.

She looked at him as she held her breath. She thought she saw something in his eyes. A flicker of what used to be there, back before the night of the CMA's. Back before all their worlds had exploded around them. Maddie was happier. She and Deacon had developed a good, close relationship. Watching them together had both thrilled her and made her sad for all the time they'd lost together, because of her.

Finally he spoke. "Thank you for Maddie," he said, his voice breaking just a bit.

She smiled sadly. "I wish I'd made different decisions," she said.

He shook his head. "I know. And I understand better. I wish things had been different, but I understand. You did the best you could. And you raised a beautiful daughter."

She felt his fingers tighten around hers. "You know that I always was glad she was yours," she said softly. Deacon looked away and then back at her, working his lip. She could see the tears pricking at his eyes. "Deacon, I want us to try again. To work at trying to be together. I love you. That's still true. I know I don't deserve you loving me again, but I hope you will. I don't want to be with anyone else but you. I've loved you practically from the moment I met you and you're still the man I want to spend the rest of my life with."

He took a deep breath and didn't say anything for a long time, just looked out over the lake. Her heart felt heavy, waiting for him to say something. He was still holding her hand, but she wondered what was left for them. "You know, I kind of feel like I'm in a scene in that movie the girls and I watched the other night," she went on. "'I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.' I'm asking you to love me again, Deacon."

He had turned to look at her while she was talking. He had those sad eyes she remembered from all the times he'd beg her to stay, beg her not to leave him, beg her for a second chance. They were a little shiny. He worked his lip, and she thought she saw the hint of a quiver. He breathed in, then out. "I do love you, Ray," he said quietly. "I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say that to you again. There was a time when I was sure I never would." He squeezed her hand. "This has been a hard year. For both of us. There was a lot we had to go through. But I look at Maddie now and I keep thinking that she is the most perfect thing ever." He took a deep breath and, when he spoke again, his voice was rough with emotion. "And we made her. _We made her._ No matter what the circumstances, she's like the perfect part of us. She reminds me why I fell in love with you all those years ago and why I can't stop loving you now."

Rayna felt the tears in her own eyes and her free hand flew to her mouth as she struggled to keep her composure. "Is there a chance for us then?" she asked, finally.

He looked at her for a moment and then nodded. "I want there to be." He gripped her hand tighter and pulled her up from her chair. She looked at him with a question in her eyes. He took a deep breath and then started down towards the dock on the lake, still holding her hand. They walked out to the edge of the dock. It rocked gently with the rhythm of the water. Deacon dropped her hand and turned towards her. "I remember the day I brought you here the first time."

Rayna nodded and smiled shyly. "I do too."

He looked up at the sky, his hands in his pockets. "God, Ray, we had everything in front of us then. It was all supposed to be amazing. We were getting everything we wanted." He looked back down at her. "I don't know why I couldn't keep it together then. I've tried to figure that out so many times. I blamed my father being a drunk, I blamed everybody else for drinking with me, I blamed my own weakness. I still don't know exactly what it was, but I think mostly I was afraid. I was afraid I'd disappoint you. You were Rayna Jaymes, the rising star of country music and the pride of Belle Meade society. You were so far beyond me and I was sure one day you'd wake up and look at me and wonder why you got mixed up with someone from the wrong side of the tracks." He took a deep breath, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes. "So I think I screwed up so that you'd have a reason to cut me loose. I didn't do it on purpose. I never thought about it that way. I didn't want to lose you. I loved you, Ray. God help me, I loved you so much. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Nothing in the world felt as good as being with you, whether we were on stage or in bed or just sitting on the floor writing songs. But I was afraid too."

"Deacon…." Rayna started.

Deacon held up his hand. "I'm not done." He took a deep breath. "I wasn't the one who was wrong in this scenario we're in now. I understand why you didn't want to tell me in the beginning and, based on everything I know now, I understand that decision. But everything else, you not ever telling me, marrying Teddy and letting him be Maddie's father, that was hard to get past. I'm still not a hundred percent past it and maybe I never will be. I believe you did it because you loved Maddie. The rest of it, well, I heard you when you said you were afraid and that you didn't want to hurt Maddie, all of that. I heard you when you said you needed me in your life all those years. But I lost all trust in you and I'm not sure we can go back to what we had."

"Deacon, I know I did the worst thing I could have done to you. There's no way I can make up for that. There's no way I can fix it or make it go away. I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. I'm not sure I can forgive _myself_ for the choices I made. That's what _I_ have to live with." She looked out over the lake. "I don't expect us to go back. I know that's not possible. But maybe we can move forward. We have Maddie. And you, well, you're my family. No matter what we've done to each other, you're my family."

Deacon looked at her with that haunted look in his eyes and nodded. "We'd have to start over. It can't be like it was. Maybe it will never be. I don't want to give up. But it's got to be different." The sun came out just then and shone down on her red-gold hair, making it look like it was on fire. "We need to be able to trust each other again."

Rayna nodded. "I know." She sighed and looked down at her feet, sliding her boot back and forth slightly. "I know that I have a lot to make up for." She looked back up. "But I still love you. I've always loved you. That's really just always been the truth." She reached for his hands. "I want to earn back your trust, Deacon. There's nothing more important to me than that."

Deacon took a deep breath. When he spoke his voice was low and quiet. "Forgiving you meant that I wasn't mad anymore and it opened up that place where I could let you back in. But I don't want it to be that we don't deal with what got us there to start with. I don't want to cover up resentment and anger and pain. I don't want to just let things go. I want us to be careful with each other, never take this for granted anymore."

Rayna nodded. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I know I'm at fault here and I need to earn your trust and your love again. I won't ever take this for granted again, Deacon."

He breathed in and raised his eyebrows. "You know, as hard as it was for me to forgive you, it was harder to forgive myself for everything _I_ did. You need to do the same thing, Rayna. You need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive me. It's done. We can't go back and make it different, it just is. Dr. Harris told me that it doesn't mean it's all okay, like we let each other off the hook. It just means that we can move on."

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. "I want to."

He looked at her and worked his lip. Then he pulled her towards him and wrapped her up in his arms. After a moment, she pulled her head back and looked up at him, a question in her eyes. He leaned down and kissed her, first gently, then tugging on her lip, kissing her with a passion he hadn't felt since the night before the CMA's.

She lost herself in that kiss. She forgot everything else as she concentrated on how his lips felt on hers, how his tongue felt, battling her own. She clung to him like she was drowning and she drank in the feel of his arms as they held her tight against him, warm and secure. She forgot everything that had happened over the past year, for that moment.

Finally he pulled away from her lips and she unconsciously whimpered in protest. He leaned his forehead to hers, looking deep into her eyes. They both were breathing hard. He stepped back and took her hand, turning and walking back towards the cabin. They walked up the steps and then he turned back to face her. He leaned down and kissed her softly. "I need you to leave now," he said quietly.

Her face registered surprise. "What?" she asked, confused.

"I need you to leave before we do something we're not ready for," he said. "I could so easily take you inside and make love to you all night long and I know you would do that willingly. But we're not ready for that yet. So I need you to go home." He watched the emotions run across her face – confusion, pain, worry, anxiety – and he reached out and put his hand on her cheek, running his thumb over it lightly. "I'm not sending you away for good. Just for now. I don't want to rush into something. I'm not ready and you're not either. Not really. We need some time, to work through this differently."

Rayna reached up and put her hand around his wrist, her face still etched in sadness. "I think you're right. I want this to work, Deacon."

He nodded. "I do too. So let's just take it slow. Let's not be in a hurry." He leaned down and brushed her lips with his. "Drive safe. I'll see you soon." Then he backed away, although his face said he didn't want to.

Rayna stood, looking at him, then reached up and brushed away a tear. She smiled shakily and took a deep breath. "I'll see you soon," she said. Then she raised her hand in a wave, turned and walked back down the porch to her car. When she got in and looked back at the house, he was gone.


	13. Chapter 13

_**The next two chapters are just some scene snippets that take place over the next few months as Deacon and Rayna work on their relationship.**_

Deacon stood at the window in the kitchen and watched Rayna drive away. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to keep his warring emotions under control. He'd wanted her. Badly. It had taken every bit of self-control he had to keep from pulling her into the bedroom. Or, hell, just taking her right in the living room. But it was right to send her away. He wasn't ready.

When Dr. Harris had talked about forgiveness, he'd scoffed at first. But he was tired of being mad. He'd come to realize that being mad all the time took a lot of energy and when he'd made the conscious forgiveness decision, he'd been surprised at how much lighter he felt. It didn't mean he didn't still have anger over missing so much of Maddie's life, but it helped him feel more comfortable around Rayna.

He'd surprised himself a little when he'd invited her and the girls to the concert. But he had actually enjoyed spending time with her and Maddie after the open mic and hoped it meant they could have a friendlier relationship. He hadn't been prepared, though, for the feelings he'd had watching Luke Wheeler with her. It wasn't jealousy, because he could see she wasn't interested, it was a desire to rescue her. To push away the person getting too close to her. It reminded him of all the times he'd done that in the early days, although sometimes he'd punch out the guy coming on to her, which she never liked.

He sighed. He'd known in that moment that he wasn't over her. Would never really be over her. The time apart had probably been good, even though the reason for it was not. It had let them both explore things they might not have. He still wasn't sure what the future held, but for the first time in a long time, he felt hopeful.

He walked back out on the porch. He put his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders, looking out over the lake. He loved her. That was still true. And it felt strangely comforting, after all that had happened to them, to be able to acknowledge that again.

* * *

Rayna was shaking so hard as she drove away from the cabin that she had to pull over on the side of the road to calm herself down. She'd gone through such a roller coaster over the last year. For a while it had seemed as though she and Deacon would never be able to be in the same room together without his anger rolling off him and their being reduced to only having conversations about pick-ups and drop offs. Dr. Harris had counseled her to be patient, which had been difficult to do. The more time that passed, the more she despaired that she had lost Deacon forever.

She had watched Maddie develop a relationship with him, as the two of them explored all the connections they had. It had gone more smoothly than she'd thought it might, at least with respect to their bonding with each other. There had been struggles with Teddy and his unwillingness to loosen the reins, at least initially, and that had created stress for all of them. But she and Deacon hadn't been able to even bond over that, at least in the beginning. Eventually he'd turned to her to help navigate that rocky road and she thought maybe that had started bridging the distance between them.

As time went on, things got incrementally better. She tried to hold on to the positives – Deacon spending a little more time telling her about Maddie's progress on the guitar or talking about her schoolwork or an event in her life – but sometimes it felt like they would never be able to be comfortable with each other again, never mind reestablishing a romantic relationship. But then came the day that she and Daphne listened to Maddie and Deacon play and sing together. It felt like there had been a shift in the dynamic. A small one, but they'd built on it until the day of Maddie's open mic performance. Spending that afternoon with the two of them, talking to each other in a way they hadn't in so many months, acting more like a family, had felt promising. And then the look she'd seen on his face after the concert, it was something she wasn't sure she'd ever see again. It was the same look she'd seen all those years ago, when he would be there to take care of her.

She had hoped she hadn't read things wrong when she'd seen his text the night before. She'd showed up without letting him know that she was coming and then laid her heart out on the table for him. Her heart was still racing from his response to her. It had actually been more than she had hoped for, although she admitted to herself that it was what she'd wanted to hear. As she sat on the side of the road, she thought about turning around and driving back. She was pretty sure that if she showed back up, he'd make good on his promise of making love to her all night long. But he was right, they weren't ready. It was too soon.

She sat back against the seat of her car and closed her eyes. _Please, God, don't let me mess this up._ She breathed in and out, centering herself. When she finally felt calm, when her heart had finally stopped racing, she took a last deep breath, opened her eyes, got back on the road, and headed for home.

* * *

When Deacon and Rayna next met with Dr. Harris, he noticed a significant shift in how they interacted with each other. When he'd met them in the waiting room, they were sitting next to each other on the couch, relaxed and talking, something they'd never done before. Once in his office, they both sat on the couch in there, although not quite touching. But their body language was more relaxed than he'd ever seen it and there was no discernable tension in the room. He looked at each of them and then smiled. "It feels like something's changed," he observed. "I'm assuming that the last session broke down some walls."

Rayna nodded and glanced shyly at Deacon before looking back at Dr. Harris. "I think so. We've, uh, talked a couple times since we were here and I think we're in a better place."

"What's different this time?"

Rayna took a deep breath and exhaled. "I think we're being more honest with each other. I went to see Deacon at the cabin and we talked. Just us. That helped."

Dr. Harris looked at Deacon. "Do you agree with Rayna?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. It's better."

"So you both feel like you can work together as parents?"

"Yes," Rayna said. "And more." She looked at Deacon. "I think, anyway."

Dr. Harris looked over his glasses at the two of them. Rayna's face seemed relaxed, but he detected a small amount of tension in Deacon. "Deacon? What do you think?"

Deacon took a deep breath. "I think we're on the right track with Maddie. I feel like Rayna and I can work together better for her."

Dr. Harris saw Rayna's tiny frown and he pressed a little. "Is that all?"

Deacon worked his lip, then looked away. "I think the rest of it's just gonna take time," he said finally. He looked back at Dr. Harris. "We're not ready to really take that next step. There's still some healing that needs to happen." He looked quickly at Rayna. "For me, at least."

A look of confusion crossed Rayna's face. "But I thought…" she started.

Deacon looked back at her. "I do want to work things out, if we can. I meant that. But it's gonna be harder for me than it is for you. There's still a lot of trust to rebuild. I told you that." He reached out and took her hand. "We got a lot out on the table last time. I do feel good about that. But I just don't think this is going to be easy. At least not for me. And now that we kinda had this breakthrough, we're gonna have to figure it out ourselves from here on out." He looked deeply into her eyes. "I told you, when you came out to the cabin, that I didn't know where we'd end up. I don't want us to mess things up where Maddie's concerned, but I don't want to make promises to you about us."

Rayna breathed out and looked down at her hand, held in Deacon's. She was quiet for several moments. Then she looked up at Deacon, then over at Dr. Harris, sadness etching her face. "Dr. Harris, could we keep coming to see you? To talk about our relationship? Can you help us do that?"

Dr. Harris nodded. "Of course." He looked over at Deacon. "If Deacon's agreeable."

Deacon looked a little surprised at Rayna's suggestion, but after a moment, he nodded. "I think that's a good idea." He looked at Rayna. "I do want to make this work. Don't think I don't want that. I just know it's not going to be easy just yet."

Rayna nodded and smiled hopefully. "I told you before that I'm fighting for us. I still am. I'll do whatever I have to do to show you that I want this to work for us."

Deacon nodded, then looked over at Dr. Harris. "Okay. I'm in."

* * *

Rayna loved nights at home with the girls. Friday nights, when they were with her, were movie nights. They had just finished watching "Sleepless in Seattle" for what felt like the hundredth time and the three of them were snuggling together in Rayna's bed.

Daphne looked up at her. "So are you and Deacon dating again?" she asked.

Rayna looked back at her daughter. Deacon was coming over more often, but they'd tried to keep it low key when the girls were around. It _had_ felt more like dating, though, when the girls were gone. She scrunched up her face. "Yeah, I guess you could say that," she said.

Maddie looked around at Daphne. "They _are_ dating," she said.

Rayna looked at her and smiled. "You seem quite sure of that," she said.

Maddie shrugged. "I asked Dad and he said yes." She wasn't going to tell her mom that she'd badgered Deacon into confirming it.

Daphne clapped gleefully. "That's great, Mom!" she cried. She tilted her head to one side. "So are you in love with him?" she asked with a coy smile.

Rayna hesitated. "Well, yeah, I guess so," she said. She wanted to be careful what she said, not only because it was still so fragile, but she also wanted to be sensitive to how Daphne might feel. "You know, I loved Deacon for a long time back before I married your dad. And then he and I were friends and I cared about him a lot."

"And now you're back together," Maddie said.

Rayna nodded. "Yes, that's true. Y'all know that it's been kind of tough for a while, but we're working things out now and I think we'll be good." She looked back and forth between the two of them. "Are y'all okay with that?"

"You know I am," Maddie said.

"I'm good with it," Daphne said. She smiled up at Rayna. "So when's he gonna move in?"

Rayna's eyes widened and she laughed. "Oh, baby, I think we're a long way from that."

"But we love him, Mom. We think you two should be together all the time," Daphne said, leaning forward and looking at Maddie, who nodded. She sat back and crossed her arms over her chest and smiled with satisfaction. "So you have our blessing."

Rayna laughed and put her arms around her daughters, hugging them close. "Thanks, girls," she said, happily. "I'm so glad y'all approve."

* * *

Rayna inserted the key card and let herself into her suite in midtown Manhattan. It was the last night of a bittersweet weekend. More sweet than bitter, if she was honest. She had agreed to perform at a benefit concert for a cause she strongly and passionately supported and it had been everything she could have hoped for and more. Tandy had come with her to New York and they had made a weekend out of it, doing a spa day and taking in a Broadway play. She had agreed to do this because it was the same night as the CMA's, hence the bittersweet.

She'd been nominated again for Female Vocalist of the Year. They had wanted her to both perform and present, despite her no-show of the previous year, but she'd said no. She wasn't even going to be in Nashville that night. She couldn't imagine being there, although she didn't say that when she turned down the request. But she couldn't help but remember the horror of the year before and there was no way she would put herself there again this year. It was too soon.

She and Deacon were working on their relationship, meeting with Dr. Harris as they continued to work through their own issues together. Things were still raw, but it helped to deal with them in a controlled way. They were concentrating on reconnecting, spending time alone together, but without the complications of an intimate relationship. It felt, to her, like they were moving at the speed of a glacier, but she knew it was important to Deacon to do the repair work carefully. She was willing to do that, if that's what he wanted.

Daphne was staying with Teddy and Maddie was with Deacon. That seemed appropriate. As usual, after a performance and the after party, Rayna was too wound up to immediately go to bed. So she prowled the floor of the suite, standing in front of the floor to ceiling windows, looking out over the still lit-up skyline of Manhattan. Her phone had blown up a little over two hours ago, was still pinging her, because this year she'd won. There had been texts from both of the girls, from Bucky, even from Teddy, and countless others. But nothing from Deacon.

She didn't really expect it though. It would have been a painful reminder of how that night, a year ago, had gone so terribly wrong. They were in a better place today than they had been then, moving ever so carefully back down the relationship path. They had avoided talking about this year's event. Even Maddie had been very low key, when she would usually be over the moon about a nomination. Only Daphne had been disappointed that she wasn't attending and wouldn't be buying a pretty dress to wear.

She felt tears on her face and wiped them away. She was being silly. It was a touchy subject and they'd skirted around it when the nominations had been announced. It seemed better to just avoid it. She wondered if Deacon and Maddie had watched the show. Maddie always liked to watch, but just because she knew Rayna had won didn't mean she had seen it.

She walked over to the mini-bar and pulled out a split of champagne. She opened it and smiled at the satisfying pop, then poured herself a glass. She walked over to the windows and raised her glass at her reflection. "Congratulations, Rayna Jaymes," she said with a sad smile. "CMA number five. Even if you weren't there to pick it up." Then she took a sip of the champagne.

Just then she heard the vibrating of her phone. She frowned. It was almost one. When she picked it up, her heart turned over. _Deacon._ She lifted the phone to her ear. "Hey," she said softly.

"Hey." His voice sounded warm and loving. "How was the benefit?"

She smiled. "It was great. I was so happy to be part of it."

"I know they were glad to have you."

"How's Maddie?"

"Good. Asleep, finally. She's going to be tired at school tomorrow, but she had to stay up late. She said she never misses an awards show."

So they had watched it. "Yeah, that's true." She paused. "So, y'all watched?"

Deacon hesitated only a moment. "We did. Congratulations."

She closed her eyes. "Thanks." She wasn't sure what to say after that. Deacon was silent on his end and she wondered what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry you weren't there," he said finally, sadness tinging his voice. "I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could be."

"It's okay. I think it was better this way."

"Maybe." He cleared his throat. "I think we need to start figuring out how to do this stuff again. We've moved past it, Ray, we need to get back to some kind of normal."

Rayna nodded, although she knew he couldn't see her. "You're right."

"We'll do it together."

"Yeah." She felt tears sliding down her cheeks. "Thanks, Deacon."

"For what?"

"For everything. For Maddie. For being there for her. For not giving up. On us."

"You too, Ray. So, I know it's late there, so go get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."

Rayna laughed softly. "It's already tomorrow, so yeah, I'll see you soon." She paused. "I love you, babe."

"I love you too."

Rayna ended the call, then pressed the phone to her heart, wrapping her other arm around her waist. She closed her eyes as she felt a sense of relief wash over her, knowing they were still moving forward.

Deacon laid the phone on the couch next to him and leaned back, closing his eyes. He hadn't told Rayna how Maddie had cried through the awards show, blaming herself for everything that had gone wrong a year ago. He'd tried to comfort her, but hadn't felt like he'd done a good job at it. Rayna was so much better at this parenting thing than he was. Hell, Teddy probably would have done a better comforting job at this point. But he'd told Maddie it wasn't her fault at all and that they were all in a better place now and should just focus on moving on. He hadn't told Maddie, though, how tense he felt, how watching the awards brought back the pain he'd felt just a year ago. Oddly, all that tension had flowed out of him the minute Tim McGraw had said Rayna's name as the winner. It was like a full circle moment. They'd been through a lot and overcome a lot, the three of them, in the year since that last CMA Awards.

Maddie had been thrilled when Rayna won and had cheered, then ran to get her phone so that she could send a text. He had watched her joy and was glad they'd done this together. It had taken a while for Maddie to settle down and go off to bed and he'd decided to wait to call Rayna until he knew she'd be back in her room. He'd understood why she hadn't wanted to go to the show and why she'd even wanted to be out of Nashville altogether. He just wanted her to know they were good. And so he had.

* * *

Rayna went in the kitchen and started cleaning up after dinner. She and the girls had made lasagna and salad and, while it had turned out well, they'd left a mess. She looked over into the den, where Deacon was backing up Maddie and Daphne as they practiced some songs for the school holiday pageant. She smiled as she watched them. This had become a regular appointment on the calendar during the weeks the girls were with her. It felt so much like a family, the family she hoped they were building together.

After she'd finished cleaning up, she walked into the den. She sat on the arm of the chair Deacon was in and softly laid her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her and smiled. "They're gonna outsing everyone else," he said proudly.

She smiled at Maddie and Daphne. "Y'all sounded so beautiful," she said, and the girls beamed. "It's homework time now though."

As they walked out of the room, Daphne turned to Maddie. "It's Mom and Deacon make out time, she said.

"Daphne!" Rayna cried as Deacon laughed.

Daphne turned back and smiled. "Well, you know it is," she said, as she and Maddie ran for the steps, laughing.

Rayna looked at Deacon. "She is such a smart aleck," she said, but she was smiling. Deacon put his guitar down and then pulled her down onto his lap, as she squealed with pleasure.

"She's also pretty smart," he said, with a wink, after he'd kissed her. "So, you wanna make out?"

Rayna gasped and then wrapped her arms around his neck. "After they go to bed," she said, smiling. She gave him a quick kiss. "I wanted to ask you, um, if you would want to come spend Christmas Day with us?"

Deacon raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Mm hm." Rayna nodded. "They're with Teddy on Christmas Eve, but he'll drop them off here late. You could come over early and spend the day with us."

He smiled. "I would love that," he said and kissed her. Then he looked at her with concern. "Will you help me with presents?"

Rayna smiled. "I will," she said, and then leaned in to give him a more serious kiss.

"See? Make out session!" came Daphne's voice and Rayna jumped out of Deacon's lap. Daphne looked at her and smirked as she went to the fridge for some water. As she turned to walk back to the stairs, she gave them a cheeky smile. "I'll tell Maddie to stay in her room. It would gross her out to see her parents all kissy face."

Deacon laughed as Rayna stared in shock as Daphne ran up the steps. Rayna looked down at Deacon. "She's just awful," she said.

Deacon grinned at her, then pulled her back down in his lap. He pulled her close and kissed her hungrily. When he let her go, he whispered, "We might as well let her be right." Rayna giggled and kissed him again.

_**~nashville~**_

"So I need some help on what to get Daphne for Christmas," Deacon was saying.

Rayna was on her way home from dropping the girls off at school, the last day before the Christmas break. "She loves clothes and shoes and all that girly stuff."

Deacon smiled on his end. "I'm not really skilled at buying stuff like that, you know."

Rayna laughed softly. "You could buy her a new pair of boots. She's pretty close to outgrowing the ones she has. But don't spend a lot. They grow out of things so fast."

"I can do that." He paused. "So I'm thinking about giving Maddie one of my old guitars."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I took that L double-O and got it refretted. Thought I'd give it to her."

"Wow, Deacon, that's a pretty expensive gift. I know she'll love it though."

"Well, it's fun to be able to spoil her a little bit. And she's really good, Ray."

Rayna smiled wistfully. "I know she is, babe. It scares me a little bit too."

"She's got us. We won't let her go down a wrong path."

Rayna felt herself tear up a little. Things had been good for the two of them. Dr. Harris had helped a lot in making sure they kept moving forward. She'd been a little surprised at how much they still needed to work on, but she appreciated that Deacon seemed committed to doing it. They'd been taking things slow and doing little more than making out, as Daphne called it. It felt sweet and, if sometimes it didn't feel like enough, she reminded herself that just over a year ago he couldn't even look at her, much less even just want to make out. "I'm glad we're in this together," she said now, meaning a lot more than just keeping an eye on Maddie's ambition. She was getting close to home. "So, we'll see you tonight?"

"You bet. I'm bringing dinner this time."

She laughed. "Okay. Sounds good. See you later."

"Bye, Ray."

_**~nashville~**_

Deacon knew better than to show up too early on any morning, even Christmas morning, but when he got to Rayna's, she and the girls were already up and they'd opened their Santa gifts. "Hey, I'm sorry I'm late, y'all," he said, after warmly hugging and kissing Rayna at the door, then hugging both girls.

Maddie smiled and waved him off. "You're fine. We haven't even eaten breakfast yet. Mom promised us you'd fix your famous eggs."

Deacon smiled. "Not like you haven't had them before, young lady."

"I know. But it's better than Mom's pancakes."

Rayna frowned. "Hey, now," she said. "It's Christmas. Be nice."

Deacon walked into the den, which was strewn with wrapping paper and bows. "I brought presents," he said. He handed a nicely wrapped box to Daphne and put another one on Rayna's chair.

Maddie looked at him with confusion on her face. "Nothing for me?" she asked.

Deacon winked at her. "Oh, yeah, that's right." He turned to Rayna. "You still have that package I left here?"

Rayna smiled wickedly. "I do indeed." She walked back into the butler's pantry and then returned with the guitar case. Maddie's eyes got huge as she watched her mom walk over and put the case at her feet.

Maddie looked up at Deacon. "For me?"

He gave her a quick hug. "Well, it's not for your mama," he said, winking at Rayna. "It's one of my old ones. I had it refretted for you."

Maddie opened the case and then gasped, putting her hands over her mouth. She looked up at Deacon. "Oh, my gosh," she said. "This is so awesome!" She walked over and threw her arms around him. "Thank you so much!"

"I'm glad you like it." He watched her with tears glistening in his eyes. Being here, spending Christmas with her, as well as Rayna and Daphne, was overwhelming. Rayna walked over and put her arm around his waist and he put his around her shoulder and pulled her close, as they watched Maddie reverently pull the guitar out and rest it on her legs. She ran her hand gently over the strings, then looked back up at Deacon. "It suits you," he said.

"Hey, can I open my present?" Daphne asked, a little pout on her face.

Deacon turned and smiled at her. "Absolutely," he said, as he sat on the couch. Rayna sat down next to him and they watched Daphne tear the paper off the box.

"Purple boots!" she cried, as she pulled one out of the box. Her face was lit up with pleasure as she looked at the boots Deacon had gotten for her. "I love them!" She quickly ran over and hugged Deacon around the neck, then sat back down and slid off her slippers and pulled on the boots. "They're perfect!" She twisted and turned, this way and that, showing them off. Then she turned and picked up a small box. "I made something for you, Deacon," she said as she handed him the brightly wrapped box, covered in bows and curlicues.

Deacon took it with a smile. "Thanks, Daph," he said, as he worked to open it. Daphne hovered, hopping back and forth as she waited to see what he thought. When he opened the box, it was filled with guitar picks.

"I decorated them," she said with a smile.

Deacon pulled out one that had glitter all over it, another with tiny flowers painted on. Then he pulled out one with the letters "DR". He looked at it carefully and then at Daphne. "'Doctor'?" he asked, puzzled.

Daphne rolled her eyes and sighed. "No, silly. D R. Deacon and Rayna." She pointed. "Don't you see the heart around it?"

Deacon laughed and glanced at Rayna, before looking back at Daphne. "I see. Very nice, Daphne. Now I'll have the best guitar picks around." He reached out to hug her. "Thanks, sweetheart."

Daphne beamed and sat back down. "Maddie, give Mom our gift," she said.

Maddie found the small package and handed it to Rayna. When she opened it, it was a DVD with a list of songs written on it. She looked at the girls. "Did y'all sing these?" she asked.

"Yes!" Daphne said. "We sang every song. Deacon sang on a couple of them. And Dad recorded it all."

Rayna looked surprised. "That's quite a production," she said. "How did you get your dad to help?" That surprised her the most.

Deacon looked at her. "It was a good opportunity for him to hear the girls. I think he actually enjoyed it."

Rayna turned it over and over in her hand. "We'll watch it after breakfast. I can't wait to see it." She smiled. "This is such an amazing gift. I love it!"

Maddie handed a present to Deacon. "For you, Dad. From me."

Deacon smiled at her as he took the gift. When he opened it, he looked puzzled. "A picture frame?"

Maddie laughed. "It's digital. I loaded in pictures. You turn it on and it goes through all of them." She started it and it scrolled through a series of pictures of Maddie as she grew up. At the end were two pictures of her and Deacon, taken when she'd gone out on tour with Rayna as a child. She was sitting on Deacon's lap in one picture as he helped her play the guitar. The other was of him carrying her piggyback across the stage. The last picture was a recent picture of the two of them. She looked at Deacon. "See, I told you. You were there," she said softly.

Deacon looked at her with misty eyes. "This is awesome, Maddie," he said. He looked back at Rayna, who had tears in her own eyes. He got up and hugged Maddie. "Thank you, sweetie. This is great." He sat back down and ran through the pictures again. He was overcome with emotion, seeing the pictures of himself with Maddie. It was an amazing gift, in more ways than one.

Then Rayna handed him her gift. When he opened it, he breathed in sharply. It was a picture of Rayna, obviously still in the hospital. She was wearing the hospital gown and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was holding a newborn Maddie close to her heart. She wasn't looking at the camera, she was kissing the top of her baby's head, her eyes closed. He looked at her.

"That was right after Maddie was born," she said quietly. "Just the two of us." She put a hand on his arm. "I thought you might like to have that."

Deacon was so overwhelmed with emotion, he couldn't speak, so he merely nodded. He looked back down at the photo and ran his thumb over the image of Maddie, then Rayna. For the first time, he felt like he had a glimpse into that day so long ago, that he'd missed. He reached for Rayna's hand and squeezed it gently, then leaned over and kissed her lightly. "Thank you," he said. Then he cleared his throat. "And I have something for you." He handed her a package.

Rayna opened it and smiled. "This is definitely a picture Christmas," she said. Deacon had given her a double frame with two pictures of the two of them at the Bluebird. On the left side was one of the first times the two of them had played there together. "I look so young," she said. The other picture was one that was taken the night she'd gone on stage with him and sang "No One Will Ever Love You". The night when they had finally acknowledged their feelings for each other had never really changed. "Who took this picture?" she asked.

"Erica. She actually showed it to me not long ago. She had a couple from that night and wanted to frame one of them and put it on the wall. This was the one I thought was the best, so I got her to let me have it."

Maddie and Daphne had come over to take a look. "All my best memories are at the Bluebird," she said, smiling happily.

_**~nashville~**_

Maddie was playing her new guitar and she and Daphne were singing in the den, while Deacon made breakfast and Rayna kept him company. She smiled at him. "Thanks for coming today," she said. "It was perfect having you here."

"This was probably one of the best days of my life, Rayna," he said. "This feels right." And then he took her in his arms and kissed her. She couldn't help but agree with him.


	14. Chapter 14

Maddie was sitting at the counter as Deacon was making dinner. She leaned forward on her elbows and smiled. "Did you have to learn to cook when you and Mom were together?" she asked.

Deacon grinned and shook his head. "No. This came a lot later. Your mama always liked to be the one cooking."

"Was she bad back then?"

"She wasn't awful. Let's just say her cooking skills were kind of like her guitar playing skills. But at least she didn't kill me or give me food poisoning. But she does okay."

Maddie laughed. "Daphne and I kind of miss Dad's cooking. He was pretty good." Deacon just nodded. "And you are too," she added quickly.

Deacon smiled. "It's okay. He can be better than me at cooking."

Maddie watched a little longer. "So are you and Mom really back together?" she asked.

Deacon raised his eyebrows as he looked at her. "I think so," he said.

Maddie smiled. "Good. Mom seems happier."

"What about you?"

"I'm happy. I want you two to be together. That makes me happy." She looked at him with a question on her face. "Do you think you'll get married some day?"

Deacon breathed in sharply. "I think we're a ways off from even thinking about that, Maddie."

Maddie sighed. "Okay. I guess."

Deacon didn't say anything else about that, but kept cutting his eyes over at Maddie as she seemed to be processing that. Finally he cleared his throat. "Should we watch a movie tonight?" he asked.

Maddie looked back, her eyes a little sad. She shrugged. "Yeah, that sounds good."

He hated not being able to be more definitive but he didn't want to rush things. He and Rayna still hadn't slept together since they'd started seeing each other again. It had been hard to stick to that, but it felt like a milestone they'd be crossing when that happened, and he wanted to be very sure when he made that commitment. Anything beyond that was not something he even wanted to entertain at this point.

He went and pulled the chicken casserole out of the oven and set it on the counter. "Ready to eat?" he asked Maddie.

She smiled. "Yeah, I am." She eyed the casserole. "That looks amazing, Dad. Can't wait to try it."

* * *

It was one of those early February days that turned into a tease for spring. It wasn't going to last, but it was nice to sit outside along the river while it lasted. Rayna turned when she heard the truck door slam. She smiled as she watched Deacon jump over the ledge and then walk down the incline. He hopped up on the picnic table and turned to smile at her. "You still drive like a bat out of hell, you know that?" he said, with a wink.

She grinned. "I've always got places to be and people to see. You know me."

He bumped her shoulder. "Yeah, I do know you." He looked out towards the river. "I thought we had a good session today."

Rayna nodded thoughtfully. Dr. Harris had gotten them to revisit some of what they hadn't really touched on before, mostly around Rayna's motivations for keeping Deacon in her life while she and Teddy were married. He had wanted to be sure there wasn't residual baggage that would crop up unexpectedly because they'd never really talked about it. "I don't think I realized just how selfish I was. And how wrong that was. I didn't do right by you then. Or Teddy either, really."

Deacon took a deep breath and looked at her. "I think I always knew why you did it. I just never understood why you didn't just leave him."

Rayna gave him a sad smile. "It's hard when there are children involved. And taking the whole Maddie piece out of it, I'd made a commitment. I felt like I had to honor it." She looked down at her hands in her lap. "You know, he was always more in love with me than I was with him. And I did love him, Deacon. He was a good man, for a long time. I wasn't _in love_ with him, maybe, but I did feel love." She looked up and out towards the horizon. "Of course, in the end I hardly knew him anymore. He wasn't the same man. And I don't know how much of that was because of me. Because, you know, he always _knew_. Deep down inside, he always knew it was you. For me. I think he did all that stuff he did to compete with that. To show me, in his own misguided way, that he was worthy of my love." She looked back at him. "When I told you I had always loved you, that was the truth. It was the first time I'd really admitted that out loud to myself. And I did that knowing that I'd kept our daughter a secret from you. Which was a very stupid, selfish thing to do. I know that. But I couldn't go one more second without telling you how I felt."

Deacon put his arm around her and pulled her close. She laid her head on his shoulder and he rested his chin on the top of her head. "There's a whole lot of things I wish we'd done different, Ray. I wish that I hadn't been a drunk. At least, I wish that I'd figured out how to get my act together a long time before I did. But I think maybe it just took you breaking up with me and moving on to make me get serious about that." He brushed his lips against her hair. "I know you were scared back then. I get that." He paused. When he spoke, his voice was quiet. "You know, I was so close to going to a bar that night. I'm still not really sure why I let you take me home, but I'm glad you did." He ran his hand up and down her arm.

Rayna was quiet for a moment, then asked a question she'd wanted to ask for a while. "Did you date anyone, you know, while all this was going on?"

Deacon pulled back and frowned. "Why?"

Rayna shrugged. "I just wondered. I wouldn't blame you, I guess. I know how angry you were with me."

Deacon huffed. "No, I didn't. I needed to focus on Maddie and that would have just confused things." He worked his lip. "Did you?"

"No, of course not."

"Well, I know Liam was in town for a while. And he sure had a thing for you."

Rayna made a face. "Deacon, I sent him a text that said 'sorry, can't make it', an hour before I was supposed to fly to St. Lucia with him. He was _not_ my biggest fan. He was only here to help me finish my album, and that was under a lot of duress. And, he was a jackass the entire time."

Deacon looked at her for a minute and then he laughed. "Now _that_ part doesn't surprise me," he said.

Rayna gave him a rueful smile. "He could really be quite charming when he wanted," she said. "He just didn't want to then. So, no. No dating for me either."

He looked at her for a long moment and then leaned in and kissed her. Then he sat back and smiled at her. "I have some news," he said.

"What?"

"I got a tour offer."

Rayna scrunched up her face. "Please tell me it's not with that awful Luke Wheeler. The 'Wheels Up' tour." She made air quotes around wheels up and rolled her eyes.

He laughed. "No. Keith Urban. Opening for the North American leg of his tour."

She sat back and grinned, genuinely happy for him. "Wow! That's the real deal, babe. Congratulations!" Then a tiny frown crossed her face. "What's the schedule?"

"I've got it at home. I know this will make things more complicated, with you going out again and all."

She sighed. "I hope we cross paths at least occasionally."

He leaned towards her and kissed her. "We'll make it work."

* * *

Rayna hurried up the steps to Deacon's house. He was leaving the next day on tour. She was leaving in three days. Since the girls were at Teddy's, it was a good time, she thought, for them to hang out at Deacon's, instead of her house. Besides, she wanted his help on a song, and this had always been a magical place for them for songwriting.

He opened the door with a smile and reached for her hand to pull her in. She giggled as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Truth be told, a part of her hoped this might finally be the night they'd have sex again. Songwriting usually led to that. At least in the past. But Deacon had wanted to move slowly, so she wasn't holding her breath.

"Hey, baby," he whispered in her ear.

"Hey. Are you all packed?"

He smirked. "As packed as I'm gonna be. As long as hotels still have someplace to wash clothes, I'll be good with an overnight bag."

She smiled, running her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck. He had always teased her about the number of suitcases she brought on tour, not including her outfits for on stage. He always wore some combination of jeans and a t-shirt or flannel shirt. "Must be nice," she murmured against his lips before she kissed him.

"I made dinner," he said a few minutes later, tearing himself away from her inviting mouth.

"Mm," she murmured, not really hungry for food. She'd felt him getting aroused and she didn't want to let him go, but he stepped back and quickly headed for the kitchen. _Not tonight, I'm guessing._ "I'm not really hungry right now, babe," she said. "Maybe just some water."

He pulled two bottles of water out of the fridge and walked back over to her, handing one of them to her. He led her to the couch and they sat next to each other. Rayna draped her legs across his lap. She smiled up at him. "I've been working on a song," she said. "But I'm really stuck."

"Do you want to show me?" he asked. She nodded. "Where is it?" She pointed at her purse and he reached for the notebook that was sticking out.

She took the notebook from him and flipped it open to where she'd been working, then handed it back. She watched him as he read. "You can be honest with me, babe," she said.

He looked up at her when he'd finished reading. "I know why you're struggling with it," he said, his eyes sad.

"Why?"

"Because it's so personal. You put a lot of yourself out there, Ray, in your songs. You always have. But this is pretty raw. More than you would normally do." He watched as she turned that over in her head. Then he looked back at the notebook and read. "_'I'm living over and over / Not stayin' here divided, I've drawn my own line / I've talked my way out of the lie / I'm finding it's not a weakness, it's forgiving myself'_." He looked at her again. "You don't need to tell other people that. You only need to tell me." He kissed her gently. "And you just did."

She smiled a little sadly, as a tear streaked down her cheek. She brushed it away and leaned forward to kiss him again. She let her lips linger there, then lightly bit down on his lower lip, pulling it closer. He put his hand on the back of her head and deepened the kiss. He moaned slightly as their kisses turned more raw and intense. Rayna moved to straddle Deacon and he ran his hands down her back and over her ass, pulling her towards him. She threaded her fingers through his hair, moaning deep in her throat. She was incredibly turned on and she could tell he felt the same. Then, suddenly, he surprised her by pulling away from her mouth and, grabbing her by the waist, moving her off of him. He got up off the couch and walked a few steps towards the kitchen, before he stopped, his back to her.

Rayna sat on the couch watching him, breathing hard, completely confused. She watched as he put his hands on his hips and clearly struggled to get himself under control. When he turned back to face her, his eyes were full of hurt. "I can't do this," he said, his voice cracking with emotion.

"I don't understand…." Rayna said, puzzled by his sudden change in behavior.

"You took away thirteen years of time I could have had with Maddie. It's just not that easy to completely overcome that. I thought I was there, but I'm just not yet."

Rayna felt a lump in her throat and she nodded sadly. "Okay," she said quietly. She got up off the couch, picked up her purse, sliding her notebook back in, and walked out the door. She held it in until she got to her car, but once she'd shut the door, she broke down in tears. She was devastated and confused. She thought things were better between them and this had totally taken her by surprise. After a few minutes, she started the car and headed for home.

_**~nashville~**_

Rayna was lying in bed, wide awake, unable to stop her mind from going over and over the events of the evening. She felt heartsick, knowing that Deacon was leaving the next day and their lives were seemingly in turmoil. They'd come so far and it felt like it was all for nothing now. She couldn't find a comfortable position in bed and she sat up, her fingers rubbing her temples, trying to decide what to do. Her phone buzzed. She reached for it and saw that it was a text from Deacon. _I'm sorry. Not giving up on you. Just not ready for the next step._

She read the text over and over, then held the phone to her heart, as the anxiety started to drain out of her. Finally she texted back. _I understand. See you soon?_

_Yes. Love you._

_**~nashville~**_

Deacon had felt bad about Rayna leaving the night before. Things hadn't ended the way he'd wanted them to. He guessed having her come to his house like that was not such a great idea, at least until they were ready to take the relationship to the next step. He didn't feel like the text was enough, so once the bus was on the road the next day, he called her.

"I'm sorry about last night, baby," he said, when she answered.

"I know."

He hesitated, working his lip. "You know, sometimes, everything just kind of comes back to me and I just, I don't know, I still feel mad. I guess I'm still working on that forgiving thing, making it stick."

She thought about that. "I get it. You told me it might take you longer. I guess it just scared me a little. Like you were done with me, or something."

"No. I'm not done. I love you, Rayna. It's gonna work out."

She sighed. "That's what I want."

"I've got a couple days off when you're in Chicago. I've already bought a ticket to come see you."

She smiled. That was just two weeks away. "That would be great." She felt tears prick her eyes. "I love you, babe. I really do."

"I know. I love you too."

_**~nashville~**_

Rayna walked off the stage in Chicago, her eyes darting around looking for Deacon. Bucky was right behind her, giving her a running commentary on how things had gone and what was up next with the after-party. She hardly heard him. She'd been on pins and needles all day. She'd felt a little down when she'd gotten Deacon's text, just before she went on, that his flight was delayed by weather in Atlanta. She had a lump in her throat as she realized he wasn't backstage.

"Rayna? Are you paying attention?" Bucky was saying, an annoyed note to his voice.

She turned to him, a scowl on her face. "What?" she said, a little sharply.

Bucky frowned. "Where's your head at tonight?"

She stopped and closed her eyes, shaking her head a bit. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm distracted. Deacon is supposed to be here and he's not."

"I'm sure he'll get here. In the meantime, you need to get changed for the after-party."

Rayna looked at him. "I don't want to go."

Bucky looked annoyed. "Not an option, Rayna. Maybe we can shut it down a little early, but doing a no-show at your own after-party isn't happening."

Rayna rolled her eyes and stomped off towards her dressing room.

_**~nashville~**_

Rayna put on her best performance face and chatted up the radio station program directors and other execs, as well as label people, and various other local VIP's. She truly hated this part of the business, not because she didn't like to talk to people, but it reminded her so much of the society affairs that her father had dragged them all to over the years. She hated small talk and being nice to people who were just trying to get a piece of her, whether it was a favor for more record play or an inside track to her father. But she had learned very early on that this part of the music business was probably more important than any album she released or concert tour she went on. This determined whether her records got on radio and, thus, were heard by the buying public, and whether there were those who would promote and sponsor her tours with money and publicity. Over the last almost two years, she'd realized how much she had relied on Deacon during these events. He always reminded her who people were and could easily steer her to the right contacts. She had learned a lot from him and was able to maneuver well on her own these days, but she missed that support.

She was talking to yet another local radio industry bigwig when she happened to look up at the entrance to the ballroom. And there he was. Looking a little tired, but she found herself smiling a little more as she realized he'd been watching her. She politely wrapped up her conversation and made her way purposefully to where he stood. She reached for his hands as she drank him in and then he pulled her into an embrace.

"I'm sorry I missed the show, baby," he whispered.

"You're here now. That's all that matters," she whispered back. "Get me out of here."

He grabbed her hand and pulled her out to the elevator and they rode up smiling furtively at each other, mindful of others riding up with them. When they got to her suite, he pulled her into his arms for a long, slow, deep kiss.

"Mm, I missed you," he said, when they finally, reluctantly pulled away from each other.

"I missed you too," she said. "But you're here now, and not for long, so I just want to enjoy it."

"Can we sit?" he asked. She nodded, and he took her hand and led her over to the couch. He pulled her into his arms and ran his thumb over her face, drinking her in with his eyes. He sighed. "You're the most beautiful woman in the world, Ray," he murmured, and she smiled, blushing slightly. "I wanna do this right, you know."

She looked up into his eyes and ran her thumb over his lips. "I know. I'm trying to be patient and not push."

He kissed her lightly and then looked deeply into her eyes. "There's nothing I want more than to be with you every way possible. You may not know it, but it's hard for me to not just make love to you all night long. I remember how good that was, how amazing that was. And I miss that. But I need you to understand that, when that happens, there's no going back. We have to be a hundred percent sure, because I can't do this again with you." He kissed her again and brushed her face with the back of his hand. "I wanna be all in. For a long time, I didn't think that would happen. I had no plan for it to happen. But you're in my blood, Ray, I know that. It's more than just because we have Maddie, it's just always been that way. You know that." She nodded. "So, I want to do this with you. But not yet. I want to be sure that I can deal with what comes after. I can't do that until I'm sure I can wake up the next morning and fight through anything with you."

She laid her head on his shoulder and sighed. "It hurts for me to know you still have doubts. I can't lie."

He threaded his fingers in her hair and nuzzled the top of her head. "I'm fighting for us too, Ray. I wanted to come here and tell you that."

She snuggled up closer to him and he put his arms around her, drawing her in tight, and they sat like that until they both nodded off, close to dawn.

* * *

"So when is the next time you have a weekend off?" Deacon asked Rayna, late one night as he was relaxing in his hotel room. Now that they were both back out on tour, finding time together had been more challenging. There had been lots of phone calls and texts. He was in Denver and he thought he remembered that she was in Houston.

"Um," Rayna said, stalling for time as she pulled out her calendar and looked at it. "Three weeks."

"Amazing. Me too." He paused and worked his lip. He'd been thinking about this for several weeks and decided to pull the trigger. "How about we go to the cabin that weekend?" he asked.

Rayna caught her breath. She felt her heart flutter and a happy tingle run through her. "I'd love to," she said softly. "When do you get back to Nashville?"

"Actually that Wednesday before. What about you?"

"Not until Friday. Like early, early Friday morning. I've got a show in Knoxville that Thursday night and then we drive back to Nashville."

"We could drive up Friday afternoon," he said. "If you don't think you'll be too tired."

"No, I'll be fine. I'll sleep on the bus. It'll be good." She took a breath. "I'm looking forward to it."

Deacon smiled on his end. "Me too. I think we're ready."

Rayna smiled. "I think we are too."

After they hung up, Rayna let out a little cheer of excitement. She wasn't at all sure how she was going to make through the next three weeks.

_**~nashville~**_

The bus had rolled in to Sound Check about three in the morning. Rayna had dozed some on the bus, but she'd been too excited to sleep much. Even once she got home, she'd gotten no more than a couple hours sleep. All she'd been able to think about was sex and that had kept her hot and bothered and unable to rest. But she was running on adrenaline and, in a burst of energy, had packed and straightened up the girls' rooms and cleaned the kitchen.

Deacon was picking her up at three and she was ready well before then. When he came to the door, she'd kissed him hungrily, first, because she'd missed him, and second, because she couldn't wait to get to the cabin with him.

The drive to the cabin was not quite an hour and a half, but for both Deacon and Rayna it felt a lot longer than that. They held hands and said little, Deacon occasionally lifting her hand to his lips. They exchanged furtive glances and smiles. At one point, Deacon commented that they could pull off the road for a bit. Rayna laughed softly and reminded him they were probably too old for sex in the back of the truck or in the backseat. Deacon reluctantly agreed and stepped down on the accelerator a little more.

When they got to the cabin, they blew out of the truck and stumbled down the porch, Deacon's arms around Rayna from behind as he hurried her forward. They both laughed shakily as he fumbled with the keys. Finally, with a frustrated groan, he got the door unlocked and pushed her inside, slamming the door behind him.

She turned and started unbuttoning his shirt as he worked on her belt and skirt. She moved her hands down to his belt, unfastening it and deftly working open the button and sliding down the zipper, while he was pushing her skirt and panties down. Then, with a groan, he captured her mouth with his own and, lifting her, carried her over to the couch. He laid her down and she watched through heavy-lidded eyes as he shed his boots and jeans, then pulled her boots off. She reached up her arms to him and he covered her, moving inside her with no preamble.

The next few minutes were hands and lips and moans and whispered words, all leading to loud groans fo pleasure and fulfillment.

Afterwards, as they lay on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, Rayna smiled happily. "This was worth waiting for," she said breathlessly, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Yes, it was," Deacon whispered in her ear, kissing her on her neck. "Maybe I should go bring our stuff in?"

"Babe, there is nothing out there I need right now," Rayna said with a smirk. "We could, however, move somewhere more comfortable."

Deacon laughed and pushed himself up and off the couch, throwing aside the blanket. He took Rayna's hand and helped her up and they made their way quickly to the bedroom, where they got rid of the rest of their clothes and crawled into bed.

It was very, very late when Deacon got up and retrieved their bags from the truck. Then he climbed back under the covers, wrapped himself around Rayna, and they continued making up for lost time.

_**~nashville~**_

The next morning, Rayna woke up to find Deacon laying on his side watching her. She smiled lazily. "Hey," she said.

"Hey." He reached out and stroked her arm lightly. He smiled. "How did you sleep?"

She rolled over and snuggled into him. "I think you know I didn't sleep a lot."

He kissed her. "Funny, neither did I." He wrapped his arm around her. "I'm glad you're here."

"It feels like it's right where I'm supposed to be."

He kissed her again. "You are." Then he rolled her over and rolled on top of her. "I don't think I can get enough of you," he whispered and then kissed her more deeply.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled her legs up. "I know I can't get enough of you," she murmured. He slid his hands behind her back and down to her ass, tilting her up towards him. As he moved into her, she moaned deep in her throat. She wanted to stay here with him until they'd made up for all the time they'd missed.

_**~nashville~**_

As they were cleaning up the kitchen, Deacon said, "I'd really like to take Maddie to the Bluebird with me the next time I'm in town."

Rayna stopped and frowned. "As what?"

Deacon looked puzzled. "Not for an open mic," he said.

Rayna sighed. "I didn't think that's what you meant. But, who do you say she is?"

Deacon frowned and rested his hand on the counter. "My daughter, Rayna," he said. "Who else?"

Rayna turned to face him, leaning against the counter. She looked down. "Deacon, it's not like we've made some big announcement about this. I don't want her feeling pressured."

Deacon slammed his fist on the counter. "Damn it, Rayna, I'm not pressuring her," he said angrily. "But she _is_ my daughter."

Rayna crossed her arms and looked up, her gaze steely. "I want this to be private, just for her. I don't want her to have to deal with the hurtful things people can say."

Deacon shook his head. "You're kidding me, right? I'm not talking about taking out an ad or hanging a banner here. I just want to be able to take my daughter to hear me play. It means a lot to me to share that with her. I'm proud to be her dad."

"I don't want her to get hurt," Rayna said again.

Deacon scowled. "You don't want your _secret_ to get out," he said, raising his voice. "We're back to that. Keeping secrets again. And you don't trust me in public with her."

Rayna threw down her towel, her eyes flashing. "That is _not_ what I said and you know it!" she cried.

Deacon ran a hand over his mouth. "I can't believe this. We've come all this way and I finally feel like I can let you all the way back in, and you're back to keeping secrets! That's exactly what got us here in the first place, Rayna!"

Rayna threw her arms out. "All I want is for Maddie to be able to make her own choices. It's my job as her mama to protect her. And you should want that too. As her father."

Deacon's eyes flashed with anger. "I do want to protect her, Rayna. But not by pretending she's not mine." He turned away from her. "I can't believe we're back to this. I can't do this."

Rayna stood silently for a moment, breathing hard, watching him. "Then maybe we need to go home," she said quietly.

Deacon slammed his towel on the counter and walked over to get his keys. He hesitated only a moment and then he walked out the door. Rayna glared after him and then went into the bedroom to pick up her purse and overnight bag, and then followed him out the door.

The ride back to Nashville felt as long as the drive up, only this time it was because they were angry and couldn't find the words to work through the impasse. As Deacon dropped Rayna off at her house, they both felt defeated and hurt.

_**~nashville~**_

Rayna walked in the house and slammed the door behind her. "That man is infuriating!" she shouted, to no one but the empty room. Then she stomped her foot and scowled. _He's just looking for something. I'll never win with him. He'll never really trust me._

She walked over to the bar and pulled out a bottle of wine. Then she stood there, looking at it. _I can't do this._ And then put it down. She went over and picked up her overnight bag and carried it back to her bedroom, throwing it on the bed. She ripped the zipper open and started pulling out her clothes and stomping into the closet with them.

After she'd put away her toiletries, she sat on the bed and wrapped her arms around her waist. She hated this. _Why do we keep doing this to each other?_ She thought about what he'd said, about how much it would mean to him to feel like he really was Maddie's dad, being able to acknowledge her openly. She wasn't really sure why she felt like she still needed to protect her daughter that way. She sighed deeply.

She sat very still for a few minutes and then pushed herself off the bed and ran into the kitchen. She picked her purse up off the counter and headed out the door. When she rounded the corner to the driveway, she stopped. Deacon was standing there, beside his truck. She could see the pain in his eyes as he started to walk towards her. She dropped her purse and ran into his arms.

"I'm sorry," she said, burying her face in his shoulder.

"No, I'm sorry," he replied, his hand cupping her head. "I should have listened."

She pulled back and looked up at him. "I don't want us to fight like that."

"I don't either." He worked his lip. "I'm sorry I didn't listen. You were right. We need to let Maddie decide. We don't have to make a big announcement about it. Just let it be natural."

She gave him a tiny smile. "I think it says a lot that we both came back."

He nodded. "Yeah." He leaned down and kissed her. "I love you, Ray."

Her smile got bigger. "I love you too." She raised her eyebrows. "Maybe we can finish the weekend here?"

He smiled back at her. "That sounds good." And they turned back towards the house, their arms around each other's waist. She grabbed her purse as they walked past it and then they walked together into the house.

* * *

It was late when the tour bus arrived at Sound Check. Rayna tried not to show her irritation over the unloading process. She was standing near the cargo hold, her arms crossed, tapping her foot.

"Got somewhere to be?"

She turned at Bucky's voice. He had an impish grin on his face. "Kind of," she said, with a smile.

"How's his tour going?"

Rayna's smile broadened. "It's great. I know I'm not supposed to say this, probably, but I'm glad he's not out with that awful Luke Wheeler again."

Bucky laughed. "Don't let any of the suits hear you say that or they'll want you to do a co-headline tour with him." Rayna made a face. "I think touring with Keith is a perfect fit," he went on.

"He said Keith's been inviting him out for the encores. He really respects Deacon as a guitar player." She grinned. "I'm really proud of him, Bucky. He's had two number ones plus he's on the road with Keith Urban. How awesome is that?"

Bucky winked at her. "Pretty awesome," he agreed.

"Oh, there's my stuff," she said and ran over to get her suitcases organized. One of the roadies put them on a rolling cart and she rushed off, directing him to her car. When everything was loaded in, she peeled out of the parking lot.

Deacon's house wasn't far from Sound Check and, with the late hour and minimal traffic, she was there in ten minutes. She hurried up the steps and went to put her key in the door. Deacon pulled it open, as though he'd been standing there waiting for her, then swept her up in his arms, kissing her fiercely.

Rayna reached up and fisted his hair at the back of his neck, her lips and tongue practically devouring him. When he finally, reluctantly, pulled his lips away, he leaned his forehead to hers. "Hey," he said, breathing hard.

"Hey," she whispered back. "I missed you."

"I missed you." He reached around her and shut the door, then turned and pulled her back to the bedroom.

_**~nashville~**_

The next morning, Rayna woke to the smell of bacon and an empty bed. She pulled the sheets around her and breathed in deeply, smiling as she smelled his scent. It had been two weeks since they'd seen each other, although they talked every day. Both of them being on tour had meant they had to be creative in getting together, plus Rayna had to work around the girls. So they didn't see each other as often as either of them would have liked. And now she didn't want to waste another minute without him. She'd left all her clothes in the car, so she got up and walked to the closet, pulling out one of his flannel shirts. She put it on and then stepped into her panties, grabbing them from where they were hanging off the edge of a picture frame, where they'd obviously landed in their haste to undress each other the night before. She padded barefoot into the kitchen, where Deacon was making breakfast.

She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around him, pressing herself against his back. "Good morning," she said, her voice still raspy from sleep.

He smiled and twisted himself so he could brush her lips with a quick kiss. "Good morning," he said. "How are you feeling this morning?"

She giggled. "Sore." Homecomings were always extra-lusty.

Deacon laughed softly. "You're insatiable." He turned to face her. "Speaking of that, are you ready for breakfast?"

She nodded. "I am."

He fixed two plates and carried them over to the counter and they sat and started to eat. He looked at her. "What's your day like?"

She shrugged. "The usual. I've got to unpack, then meet with Bucky about the tour and some other business. Then pick up the girls." She looked at him with a smile. "Can you come over for dinner? The girls would love to see you."

"I'd love to."

Rayna watched him and noticed a sadness that seemed to cross his face. She frowned. "What's the matter, babe?" she asked.

He shook his head at first, then stopped and looked at her. "You're only home for a week. I leave in three days. It already feels like we're not together enough and then you've gotta go home and I can't really stay with you."

"You could, babe. You know that," Rayna said.

Deacon looked at her a moment, then breathed out, working his lip. Finally he said, "I think we should move in together."

Rayna's eyes widened. "Really?"

He nodded. "Yeah. You, me and the girls."

"Where?"

"Here." He wasn't sure how she'd feel about giving up her house. "I can't live over there."

Rayna nodded thoughtfully. The Belle Meade house was hers and Teddy's and she knew Deacon would be uncomfortable there. This place, though, had been their home first. She smiled. "Yes," she said. "Yes, let's move in together. And yes, here."

Deacon smiled and reached for her hand. He jumped off the stool and pulled her with him, breakfast forgotten. She followed him back to the bedroom, laughing happily.


	15. Chapter 15

Rayna was smiling to herself as she waited for the girls. She'd ended up staying at Deacon's until she had to leave to pick up the girls at school, also blowing off Bucky and their meeting. She and Deacon had stayed in bed, alternately making love and talking about the logistics of her moving in. She had been laying on her stomach with Deacon on top of her when she'd rolled her head over and the clock crossed her line of vision.

"Oh, God, babe," she moaned softly. "I have to get the girls."

He leaned into her neck. "Rayna Jaymes, you have horrible timing," he growled.

She laughed softly, rocking her hips against him and then gasped, as she felt a warm throbbing start to run through her. She moaned out loud, giving in to the waves of pleasure.

"Oh, God, baby," he cried out and then he collapsed around her, his hands gripping hers. When his breathing returned to normal, he rolled off to face her, tracing the profile of her face with his finger. "I can't wait till we can do this every day."

She rolled on her side and smiled, threading her fingers in his. "We won't be doing _this_ when the girls are around to hear," she said.

He smiled back at her. "I guess not." He winked. "But when they're at school…."

She laughed. "Then I'm totally and completely yours."

He pulled her in close and kissed her. "That's what I like to hear."

She pushed on his shoulder. "But I do need to pick them up. And I think I need a quick shower." She rolled the other way and got up from the bed. She headed for the bathroom with a quick look and a smile over her shoulder. Deacon leapt out of bed and grabbed her around the waist, nuzzling her neck while she giggled happily.

The opening of the car doors brought her back to the present. She caught Daphne's puzzled look as she climbed into the car.

"Mom, why's your stuff in the car? You're not leaving again already, are you?" Daphne whined.

Rayna cut her eyes behind her daughter and realized all her suitcases were still in the back. She smiled. "I guess I forgot to take them out," she said.

"No, she stayed at Deacon's last night," Maddie said, looking at Rayna, then back at Daphne.

Daphne gasped playfully. "Ooh, Mom, is that true?"

Rayna frowned at Maddie, who laughed, and then looked at Daphne in the mirror. "Deacon's coming for dinner tonight," she said, ignoring Daphne's question.

"Is he bringing the food?" Daphne asked.

"Hush," Rayna said, as she turned the car towards home.

* * *

Deacon arrived with a bag full of Chinese food. After getting enthusiastic squeals and hugs from the girls, he set the bag on the counter and pulled Rayna in for a kiss.

"Ooh, Mom and Deacon are in loooove!" Daphne cried.

Deacon grinned and Rayna blushed. "Girls, can you put plates and stuff out?" Rayna asked. While the girls busied themselves with dinner preparations, she busied herself with another kiss from Deacon and some wordless eye communication.

As they ate, Deacon found himself looking forward to more of these meals, on a regular basis, talking about mundane things like homework and school activities and weekend plans. He'd wanted this for so long and then had felt like it had been permanently derailed after the truth about Maddie had come out. Although he knew that he and Rayna had a deep connection that had helped them not cut ties forever, he acknowledged that her persistence had played a part in getting them back to this place. Even now, when he looked at Maddie, he could feel the anger at missing so much, but he'd learned to be grateful for what he _did_ have and not waste time on the mad, as Juliette had put it.

"Ok, it's fortune cookie time!" Daphne announced and handed one to everyone. "Me first." She broke hers open and looked at the fortune. "'Your days will be filled with sunshine'", she read, then smiled at everyone. "Go, Maddie."

"'Watch out for what's around the corner'." Maddie frowned a moment, then shrugged. "I'm going to assume it's something good." She looked at Rayna.

Rayna opened her cookie. "'Big plans are in store for you'", she read, with a smile, looking around the table.

"More tour dates?" Daphne asked.

Rayna shook her head. "No, I think I have enough of those, thank you. I'm guessing it's something else."

Maddie turned to Deacon. "Dad? What does yours say?"

Deacon raised his eyebrows as he looked it over. He quickly looked at Rayna, then turned his attention to the girls. "Mine says 'You will soon be living with three female roommates'. Hmm."

Daphne gasped. "Does Mom know?" she asked.

All of a sudden, Maddie's eyes lit up and she was bouncing in her chair. "It's us! You're gonna live with us! That's it, isn't it?" she cried.

Rayna smiled and Deacon laughed. "Yes, it is," Rayna said. "That is, if you two approve."

"Yes! Yes!" both girls cried.

"And we're moving to Deacon's house," she added.

Daphne looked confused. "We aren't going to live here anymore?"

"Well, I really don't think we need such a big house, you know?" Rayna said, scrunching up her face.

"But Deacon's house is kinda small," Daphne said.

"It's big enough for us," Rayna responded.

Maddie winked at Daphne. "It's _their_ house, silly," she said. "They lived there back when they used to date."

Rayna and Deacon exchanged glances. Daphne considered that. "Oh," she said finally, and then she smiled. "Okay, then."

Maddie looked back and forth between her parents. "Daphne and I can take the attic bedrooms, so y'all can have the downstairs." She looked at Deacon. "I know you put your guitars up there, but…."

Deacon smiled at her. "I can move them." He looked at Rayna. "I think we have a plan then."

Rayna smiled happily. "We do. Now all we have to figure out is when."

* * *

After the girls went to bed, Deacon and Rayna cuddled together in the den. Deacon had his arm around Rayna and she was resting her head against his shoulder. He took her hand in his and gently ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "Are you sure living in my house is okay?" he asked.

Rayna turned her head to look up at him. "Why wouldn't you think so?"

"I couldn't tell if the girls were okay with it or not."

"I think they'll be fine. I'll take them over one day soon and they can look around. It'll be fine." She smiled. "There's a lot of history in that house. I think it's going to be the perfect place for us to be a family together."

* * *

Rayna and the girls drove over to Deacon's house. He was not in town, but Rayna wanted to start getting things organized for the three of them to move in. Her house was on the market and she hoped it would sell quickly, but she wasn't optimistic. When she and Teddy had had it built, she'd spent hours and hours with architects and designers laying out the house just the way she wanted and designing it to reflect the lifestyle of a country music superstar. It truly had always been too much, but Teddy had wanted to have a showplace. It was back in the days before the disaster at the credit union, when he was riding high in the financial community. Maddie had been tiny when they'd built it, so, in essence, it was the only home the girls had ever known. Even though it wasn't _her_ dream home anymore, it was a big step.

The last time she and Deacon had been in town together, they had measured rooms, and made a few decisions on Deacon's furnishings. But now it was time to figure out what the girls could actually bring with them and what they would all need to leave behind. Rayna was happy to walk out with nothing more than the clothes in her closet and her awards, but she knew it might be different for Maddie and Daphne.

They parked on the street and walked up the steps to the porch. Rayna put her key in the lock and opened the door. She smiled at the girls. "Let's go check out upstairs," she said, and they hurried in and raced up the stairs. When she got to the top of the stairs, she saw that the rooms had been completely emptied.

"Mom, I don't think all my stuff is going to fit in here," Daphne whined.

Maddie rolled her eyes. "It's not, stupid. It's a smaller house."

"Maddie, don't call your sister stupid," Rayna warned, with a frown. She turned to Daphne and put a smile on her face. "Daph, you don't need to bring everything. Why don't you think about it like you're going to start all over."

"But Mom, I love my bed." Daphne still had the bed she and Teddy had bought for her when she was three, with the tall fairy tale castle headboard. That was definitely not going to fit into either of the attic bedrooms.

"Daphne, that was a little girl's bed," Rayna said. "Maybe we can get you a new bed." She tried to give her an encouraging look.

Maddie looked around and said, "I'd be fine if the only thing I brought was my mirror." Maddie had recently gotten a full-length standing mirror and she loved being able to model her outfits in front of it.

"I think that would fit perfectly," Rayna agreed. "We can get you both all new furniture. You could pick out new colors, even paint the rooms if you want."

"Really?" Daphne cried, more interested now. "Could I paint my room purple?"

Rayna laughed and nodded. "Yes, you can paint it purple."

"Yay!" She danced around the room happily.

Rayna left the girls upstairs trying to decide what furniture they wanted and where they'd put it. She walked down the stairs and then wandered around the main floor, thinking about when she and Deacon had first bought this place. They'd had very little furniture and a little bit of money, so they'd splurged on the leather couch and club chair set that was still in the living room. As time went on they had furnished the house and, in typical Deacon fashion, it still looked much the same as it had the day she'd moved out. Deacon was a creature of habit and he only replaced things that broke. The cabin was the same. Every piece of furniture, every single picture was the same as when she'd been there last. Even the 'Eternity' sign. She smiled to herself. There was definitely comfort in that.

She walked into the bedroom, the room that had been theirs and would be theirs again. She planned to add some touches, but she didn't want to change much. It reminded her of all those years ago and she didn't want to forget that. She saw an envelope propped up on the chest of drawers that had her name on it. She walked over and picked it up. She turned it over and slid her finger under the fold. Inside was a sheet of paper and a note from Deacon. _Dear Ray, Welcome home. I wish I was there with y'all right now, but I'll be there soon. I can't wait for all of us to be together. I love you, Deacon._ She smiled as she held it to her heart.

* * *

Since she was headed back out the next day on the final leg of her tour, Rayna had dropped the girls at Teddy's. She drove home and spent time packing, then poured herself a glass of wine and relaxed. She kept checking the time and when it finally was late enough, she called Deacon.

"Hey," he answered.

"Hey, babe." She smiled. "We went over to the house today."

"Yeah?"

"Daphne wants to paint her room purple. I hope you don't mind."

"Whatever they want is fine with me."

"I don't think their furniture is going to fit, so they're ordering new things. I think that will be easier."

"I'm just ready for y'all to move in."

Rayna smiled. "Me too." She paused. "Thanks for the note."

"I'm ready for us all to be home together."

"I am too. Remind me again how much longer you have?"

"The North American leg is over in six weeks. Then I'm off."

"I'm done in about four weeks. And then the girls and I will pack everything up. We'll be ready to move in when you get home." She felt tears welling up in her eyes. "I can't believe we made it, babe. That night at the CMA's, I thought it was the end…." Her voice trailed off as the tears overtook her.

Deacon was quiet, listening to her. He heard her sniffing. "Baby, don't cry. I thought it was the end too, Ray, but it wasn't. I think because you were fighting for it and then both of us were fighting for it, we got there. It wasn't easy, and I think we might always have to work at it, but we made it. And now Maddie, Daphne, you and me, we'll be a family. We'll be together, like we were meant to be."

"I miss you so much, babe."

"I miss you too. I'll see you in LA though."

"I know." She took a deep breath. "I love you."

Deacon smiled. "I love you too. Sweet dreams, Ray."

* * *

Moving day was both hectic and stressful. As excited as they had all been to take this step, the reality was sobering. The girls had struggled with what to bring with them and fought with each other over silly things. Deacon and Rayna had bickered over how much space she needed in the closet. She had pointed out that his shirts did not need to be hung and could be folded in drawers and he accused her of taking over the house. There had been yelling and slamming of doors before a sheepish hug and kissing that elicited high-pitched "eww's" from the girls.

The girls' bedrooms had been painted and furniture delivered, but Daphne had an uncharacteristic tantrum when she saw the paint color she deemed too lavender. Maddie hated the furniture, even though she'd picked it out. Rayna had cried about giving the portraits of the girls that had been hanging in her bedroom to Teddy. Deacon had told her there was no way he'd hang them in their bedroom, like a couple of watchdogs, and there was no other suitable wall space for them. That had resulted in angry tears that eventually got kissed away, along with the promise of a trip to a portrait studio for a picture of the new family.

Finally, everything was packed and on a moving truck, the keys were turned over to the realtor, Teddy had one last snit over the arrangement, and then they unpacked late into the evening. Pizza solved a lot of the pouting and crying and temper tantrums and before long they were laughing and enjoying all being in one place together.

Rayna snuggled up to Deacon late that night, after he turned off all the lights and crawled into bed. "Finally," she said. "We're all under one roof."

Deacon laughed softly. "Hopefully there's no more arguing and crying."

Rayna smiled. "Babe, it's girls. Get used to it."

He put his arm around her and pulled her close, kissing her. "I'm just glad we're all here. This is all I ever wanted."

She felt tears spring up in her eyes. "Me too." She ran her foot up and down his leg, planting little kisses on his face. "I love you, babe," she whispered.

"I love you, too." Then he rolled her on her back and rolled on top of her. He looked down and then leaned in to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around his back and moaned deep in her throat as they celebrated their first night living together under the same roof in more than fourteen years.

* * *

Rayna sat in front of the mirror, brushing her hair. Today she and Deacon were getting married. Just the two of them and the girls on the beach at Sea Island. She gazed at her reflection in the mirror and smiled softly. It was a beautiful day, the sun was out, and she was marrying the only man she'd ever truly loved. What could be better?

She thought about the last two years. They'd been tough. It had taken nearly a year of work after the paternity reveal for Deacon and her to get to a place where they could even really talk to each other again, without Deacon shutting down or something, and start to explore if they could make things work. When they decided to try, Rayna surprised herself by suggesting they keep going to Dr. Harris.

That had turned out to be a good idea, because they realized that there were still trust issues between them and she doubted they would have survived doing it alone. They went through another six months of pain and hurt and anger, working through what still remained. Rayna remembered thinking they had reached a turning point when Deacon took her to the cabin for the weekend. They'd had that one exquisite night – their first time together since he'd found out about Maddie – but the next morning a simple disagreement had escalated to an impasse and they'd driven back to Nashville, in complete silence.

It took another six months for them to finally push through and get to this day. By the time Rayna and the girls moved into Deacon's house, two months ago, the arguments had diminished and things finally felt more normal. She'd been surprised to wake up one morning nearly three weeks ago, with Deacon's arms around her and him nuzzling her neck. "I think we should get married," he whispered.

"What?" She turned towards him and took his face in her hands. "Are you sure?"

He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. Will you marry me, Rayna Jaymes?"

She burst into tears and then kissed him. "Yes! I will definitely marry you, Deacon Claybourne!"

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't want to wait. I want us to do it now."

She looked surprised. "Really? I mean, I'm fine with that, but are you sure? I mean, we haven't been back together…."

He silenced her with a kiss. "We've loved each other almost all our lives, Ray. I don't think we have to wait to do this, do you?"

She stared into his eyes and then shook her head. "No, we don't." She raised her eyebrows. "But don't we need to tell the girls first?"

He smiled. "Already done. I asked their permission before they left for Teddy's. I hardly got the words out of my mouth before they said yes."

Tears sprang up in her eyes and she laughed. "I can't believe you did that. And that they kept it a secret." She moved closer to him. "This is the best day of my life. So far." She kissed him. "I love you, babe."

He looked deep into her eyes. "I love you, too, Ray."

* * *

They had decided they wanted to go someplace close and, after talking to a travel agent, decided on The Cloisters at Sea Island. It was secluded and private and they'd be able to get married on the beach. It was right before the CMA's and they decided that was the perfect time. They were going to make a long weekend of it, returning to Nashville in time for the awards show. Then, after Christmas, Deacon and Rayna were going to go to the west coast of Mexico for a two week honeymoon.

Deacon was sitting on the couch, working on a song, when Rayna walked in and sat down, holding a small velvet bag in her hand. She curled one leg underneath her and listened as Deacon sounded out some lyrics. Then he stopped, giving her a puzzled look.

"You don't have to stop, babe," she said. "That sounded good."

He set his guitar aside and looked at her. "You look like you want to say something."

She gave him a tiny smile and looked down at the little bag. "Yeah, I guess." She sighed. "I've held on to this for fourteen years. You gave it to me the night we made Maddie." She opened it up and turned it over, letting the ring fall into her hand. She held it out to him and he reached for it. She watched him as he turned it over with his fingers. She could see him clench his jaw and, for a moment, she was afraid she'd done the wrong thing. But then he looked up at her and his eyes were full of both sadness and love.

"Is this the ring you want?" he asked.

She nodded. "I kept it all this time, hoping we would need it someday." She smiled. "I looked at it every day for a long time. Then I finally had to stop doing that, but I'd pull it out every now and then and think about you and what we'd lost." She pointed at the inside of the ring. "You had it engraved with 'Eternity'. That's what we thought we would have back then and I think it's what we can have now."

He reached for her hands. "Do you want to wear it now?"

She shook her head. "I want you to give it to me on the beach when we get married. I think that's appropriate."

He dropped the ring into his left hand. "I remember buying this, Ray," he said quietly. "I just don't remember giving it to you."

She gave him an encouraging smile. "This time you will."

* * *

The day before the wedding, Deacon and Rayna left Maddie and Daphne at the pool and took a walk along the beach. At first, they just walked silently, Rayna's arm linked through Deacon's. It was a perfect early November day, just warm enough. After they'd walked a bit, Rayna turned to him and said, "Do you remember back when we were first starting out? Back when Watty introduced us?"

He looked down at her and smiled. "I sure do. I remember I didn't want to go, but it was Watty, and you couldn't say no to Watty."

She laughed. "That is true. He told me he had someone he wanted to play guitar for me and collaborate with me on songs. That made me so mad, because I wanted to do it all myself."

"Well, you ended up with the career you wanted, so I think he knew a thing or two."

She smiled. "Yeah, I guess. I don't think he expected us to fall in love, though."

"Probably not." He breathed in. "Do you ever miss those days?"

"All the time. Everything was so much simpler then, it seemed like. When we were driving all over the place for gigs, living in that tiny studio apartment, living on love, it felt like." She was silent for a moment, leaning her head on his shoulder as they continued to walk. "Sometimes I feel like when we finally got that big break that it was just too much. I love my career and I know it was what I always said I wanted, but it was like that's what got things all messed up. When it wasn't just you and me and love and music anymore, that's when it felt like things kind of went off the rails."

They continued to walk silently. Then Deacon finally broke the silence. "I'm sorry, Ray, for being such a mess back then. I wish I'd known back then how much it would end up hurting us."

"I wish I'd been stronger."

Deacon stopped and turned towards her. "You're the strongest person I know, Rayna. But I pushed you beyond what anyone should have. You did everything you could and you did the best you could for me. I just wish I hadn't made it so hard on you."

Rayna looked off towards the ocean. "I wish I'd done more though. I wish I'd known what to do to help you. I feel like I abandoned you."

"You were right to do that then. As hard as all this has been, knowing what happened now when you got pregnant, you letting me go back then probably was what saved me. You were always there to pick me up and I needed to figure it out on my own."

"We've been through a lifetime of stuff, haven't we?"

Deacon nodded. "Yeah. But now we get to go through the rest of it together."

Rayna smiled. "Yeah, we do."

They turned back then, heading back towards their future.

* * *

So now she was finally, after all these years, going to marry the man who had rescued her back when she was sixteen years old. The man she'd fallen in love with the first time she'd seen him. Back then they hadn't fully realized that they were two halves of a whole. All they knew was that apart, they were good, but together they were great. It was the music and the love that drew them together and created the fabric that was them.

"Mom?" Rayna blinked a few times. "Mom," came Maddie's voice, a little louder. Rayna shifted her eyes in the mirror to look into Maddie's. Maddie made a face. "Why aren't you ready?"

Rayna smiled slowly and then, resting her elbows on the counter and leaning her chin on her hands, said, "I was waiting for you."

Maddie smiled. "I think Dad's getting a little anxious."

Rayna rolled her eyes and laughed. "It's not like we have a bunch of people waiting for us. And he knows I'm _never_ on time."

Maddie grinned. "I know." She walked over to stand beside her mother.

Rayna grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes. "Are you happy?"

Maddie nodded. "Are you?"

Rayna nodded back. "I am."

"Well, then, you need to get dressed."

"Will you help me?"

* * *

Rayna walked out of the hotel with Maddie and Daphne. They were all dressed in flowing white dresses, simple and beachy. They walked out through the gardens and down towards the beach, where Deacon waited with the justice of the peace. When they got to where he was standing, they smiled at each other.

"I understand y'all have written your own vows?" the JP asked. They nodded. He looked at Deacon.

Deacon took Rayna's hands in his. He smiled at her, but his eyes were glistening with tears. "Ray," he started, his voice hitching. He cleared his throat and started again. "Rayna, I wondered if this day would ever happen. I knew you were the one the minute I laid eyes on you. You put up with more from me than you should ever have had to, but you were always there. We've made it through good times and tough times. We've come back from the edge so many times. We fought for each other. And I just can't let you go. I keep coming back and now I don't ever want to leave. I want to be the man you deserve, be your husband and a good father to the daughter of my blood" – he smiled at Maddie – "and the daughter of my heart" – and he winked at Daphne. "I want to be with you forever, no matter what happens. I finally have that life that's good." He swallowed and took a deep breath. "I love you, Rayna Jaymes. I've always loved you." He leaned in and brushed her lips lightly with a kiss. "No one will ever love you, like I do."

Rayna took a deep breath, tears spilling down her cheeks. She smiled up at Deacon. "Deacon Claybourne, I have loved you since I was sixteen years old. I have never not loved you. You've been my soulmate, my best friend, the person I relied on, my family. We've been through so much over these almost thirty years and yet here we are, still connected to each other. You and me, we just don't know how to be without each other. We've always fought for that and now I know that it's true. True love always, _always_ wins. I can't wait to live the rest of my life with my true love." She rose up on her toes and kissed him. "No one will ever love you, like I do."

"Do you have rings you want to give each other?" the JP asked. Deacon nodded.

Rayna turned towards Daphne, who handed her the ring she'd gotten for Deacon. It was a plain gold band, exactly what he'd told her he wanted. But she'd had it engraved on the inside of the band - _'No one will ever love you, like I do. DC/RJ'_ She turned back to Deacon and slid the ring on the ring finger of his left hand. Deacon held his hand out and Maddie put the ring on his palm. He looked into Rayna's eyes and took a deep breath. Then he reached for her hand and slid the ring he'd given her all those years ago back on her finger, back where it belonged.

"By the power vested in me by the state of Georgia," the JP said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Accompanied by the excited cheering and dancing of Maddie and Daphne, Deacon leaned down and kissed Rayna, as she wrapped her arms around his waist. "I love you, Mrs. Claybourne," he whispered against her lips.

"I love you too," Rayna whispered back.

**THE END**

_**A/N: So, this is my last story, maybe for a long while. I've always had a heart for Deacon and Rayna and I've loved writing about them, but I can't find the heart to write based on what appears to be coming. It hits too incredibly close to home for me and there are others who want to, and already are, writing those stories. So I'll leave that to them. I've had fun writing these stories and I appreciate everyone who took the time to read them. But I'd like to especially thank those who took the time to favorite or follow or leave a review – you are the people I wrote for, and I appreciate the fact that you took the time to share your thoughts or just let me know you were reading. That's all we can ever ask for.**_


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